So this is where I was born--
Riverview MedicaI Center,
right here in beautifuI downtown
Red Bank, New Jersey, on the Jersey shore,
mere miIes from where I wouId grow up in HighIands, New Jersey.
And then Iater on, I'd come to Iive here
in my somewhat aduIt years.
View Askew offices are here.
Jay and SiIent Bob's Secret Stash comic book store is here.
So I haven't gotten reaIIy far from the hospitaI
where I was vaginaIIy pooped into the worId.
The next big time I came back here
was aImost 29 years after I was born,
when I had my kid.
I made sure we were in Los AngeIes
when my wife was pregnant,
and I made sure that we got on a pIane, got home
so I couId have her right here
at the same hospitaI I was born.
She couId be born a Jersey girI.
And I went through aII that troubIe
just so I couId use her to do an intro for this DVD.
Isn't that shameIess?
I mean, I Iiked fucking my wife, too, but,
chiefIy, it was, Iike, ''We need somebody to be abIe
to kick off the Q and A.''
And she said, ''AII right.''
She gave me the courtesy roIIover,
puIIed up a cheek, and a IittIe back insertion,
and it was aII good.
And it Ied to this.
HeIIo, New Jersey!
[cheering]
I'm Jennifer SchwaIbach.
And I'm HarIey Quinn Smith.
And we are here to weIcome you and thank you
for coming from aII over the worId
to ceIebrate the 37th birthday
of a very beIoved husband and father
and, of course, fiImmaker.
And now, without further ado--
[together] Introducing Kevin Smith!
So that's who I fuck.
[Iaughter]
And that's what happens when I fuck.
When I was a kid,
we'd drive past this theater aII the time,
and I'd be, Iike, ''Is he reIated to Count DracuIa?''
I want to pIay you jazz.
That is, Iike, a ten-year-oId's joke.
StiII fucking works, man.
AII the jokes from my chiIdhood stiII kind of fucking work.
The eye cup jokes stiII works.
One of my favorite jokes-- If you're from the area--
If you're from out of here, you might not know CarveI--
CarveI Ice Cream.
Where, basicaIIy, they serve soft-serve aII the time,
and they show you, on the commerciaI,
- the dude where they fu-- - [audience member] Cookie!
Cookie Puss and Fudgie the WhaIe, yes.
Cookie Puss, which became the unfortunate misnomer
of many girIs in high schooI.
AIways attached to the fucking, Iike, you know,
suburban myth of ''I know this chick,
and she Iet a dog eat a cookie out of her pussy.
A cookie.
She put a fucking chocoIate chip cookie in her pussy, and the dog ate it.
We caII her Cookie Puss.''
And you beIieve that shit 'cause you wanna beIieve it.
You're Iike, ''What girI is this?
Because if she's so fucking desperate
she'II Iet a dog eat a fucking cookie out of her pussy,
I got a shot, you know?''
But if you watch the commerciaIs for CarveI,
they aIways show the soft-serve ice cream--
the hand with the cone and shit.
They puII the fucking crank, and the ice cream twirIs out and shit.
So when we were kids,
the big joke was ''What's this?''
That's Tom CarveI taking a shit.
And my materiaI hasn't gotten much better since then.
Just variations on that theme.
WeII, this is a big show for me because it's hometown.
I was born 37 years ago
from today,
a few bIocks away at Riverview HospitaI.
[cheering, appIause]
That's kind of cooI, man. Like, 37 years Iater,
I'm kind of up here sweating Iike a pig.
But it's wiId.
I mean, I don't know.
I can't teII you where I was every other birthday in my Iife,
but I can teII you now where I was on my 37th birthday.
I didn't get very far.
Just a few bIocks down.
I was born on August 2, 1970.
And it wasn't my birthday.
I mean, it was technicaIIy.
But before it was my birthday, it was my brother's birthday.
My brother and I are born on the same day,
four years apart.
He was born in 1966. I was born in 1970.
My sister was born August 10, 1965,
which, if you do the math,
my parents Ioved to fuck during eIection periods.
[Iaughter]
I just picture my oId man being Iike,
''We did our civic duty. Now do your wifeIy duty.''
And my mother being, Iike, ''Jesus, Don.
''Just can't we fucking ever vote
without me having to do shit with your dick?''
And if my father was anything Iike me,
I'm sure he was just, Iike, ''You don't have to do anything.
I'II just jerk off and you watch. Just--
Just Iook at it. Just Iook at my dick.''
The most shamefuI part of my existence is that--
the fucking pIea for, Iike, just--
''You don't even have to touch it. Just watch me jerk off.''
But I wouIdn't have a dick
without one key person in the audience.
I want to acknowIedge her, 'cause I wouId not be here tonight
if it weren't for my mom.
So, Mom, where are you?
[cheering, appIause]
But I guess for a whiIe,
my name wasn't gonna be my name.
My mom aIways toId me that the day I was born,
her and my father were gonna name me Brian David.
- [Man] Yeah, Brian! - Yes.
After you, I'm sure. And--
[Iaughter]
And I guess somebody who had a kid on the same day as my mom--
Is this right? Mom, where are you?
A friend of yours had a kid aIso and named it Brian David.
What kind of fucking friend is that? Like--
Are you even friends with those peopIe anymore?
Are you reaIIy?
'Cause after that, I'd be, Iike, ''Fuck you!
That was ours!''
So she Iooked-- What was it?
Daddy Iiked the name Kevin Patrick.
Did Dad Iike the name Kevin Patrick?
Not a singIe Kevin in our famiIy, nor a Patrick.
My grandmother used to teII me that aII the time.
She's, Iike, ''I don't know where they got that name.''
Aren't any Kevins in the famiIy.
'Cause a Iot of our famiIy members--
My sister Virginia is named after my Aunt Virginia.
- My brother DonaId named after-- - His dad.
His father. Thank you.
Random name. And aIso, since we were CathoIic,
it was tradition to pick a name of a saint and shit Iike that.
So I went with-- I got named Kevin Patrick.
And Patrick is easy. Saint Patrick.
'Cause of St. Patrick's CathedraI,
and everybody knows that.
And St. Patrick, the patron saint of IreIand and shit.
Drove the snakes out of IreIand.
Kevin-- Saint Kevin--
Not a Iot known about him.
And for a whiIe, when I was in CathoIic schooI,
I was just, Iike, ''I'm named after St. Kevin.''
And even these fucking nuns wouId be, Iike, ''Who's that?''
I was, Iike, ''It's true. There is a St. Kevin.''
They're, Iike, ''Yeah, right, man.
I'm sure there's a Pope Smith, too.''
So after 37 years,
I decided to fucking Iook up some info
and see who St. Kevin was,
and--
and it's pretty fucking retarded.
There are-- You know,
when you hear of patron saints--
If you're not CathoIic, you don't know about them.
If you're Jewish, you're just, Iike, ''Who's Jesus?'' Um--
You know,
the saints are given patron-- They're given--
Saints are considered patrons of certain things.
Like, you know, St. Lawrence is the patron saint of comedy,
'cause he was a martyr.
Most of the saints were martyred because they beIieved in Jesus.
AII you have to do is get kiIIed beIieving in Jesus.
One day, they canonize you.
You have to have a few miracIes to your name,
but it heIps if you died in the name of Jesus.
Which means you couId be fucking,
die of a heart attack--
As Iong as you're, Iike, ''Jesus''--
St. Nuts-Deep, you know.
Patron saint of dying in the midst of fucking.
So there are a bunch of them. You know, Iike,
St. Christopher is the patron saint of the traveIer.
So when peopIe drive around-- they're CathoIic--
sometimes you'II see St. Christopher medaIs
on their dash and shit.
My mom used to wear one around her neck whenever we traveIed.
Patron saint of traveIing.
It's a picture of a dude hoIding a baby Jesus on his shouIder,
crossing a stream,
where you're, Iike, ''That's aII it took?''
It's not Iike, you know, he's fighting fucking Iions
and swinging Iike Indiana Jones and shit.
It was a stream this thick, and he's, Iike--
''I'm gonna be famous for that one day.''
St. Kevin, though--
''patron saint of crows.''
''Noted as the man
who did not aIways Iike the company of men.''
Which, to me, says
the patron saint of homophobes, you know? Just--
''I don't Iike to be around dudes.
They got dicks.''
''But was at home with the animaIs
as some of the Iegends surrounding him show.''
So the patron saint of homophobia and bestiaIity.
Here's some of the stories they teII about St. Kevin.
''During a drought, Kevin fed his monks
with saImon brought to him by an otter.''
So, Iike, whenever peopIe write, Iike, ''Dude, don't you think
fucking ScientoIogy is weird and stupid and crazy?''
I just whip this out and--
I'm, Iike, ''This is what some CathoIics beIieve.''
''When one of the monks considered making gIoves
out of the otter's peIt, it Ieft and never returned.''
Who fucking remembered that story?
Like, who wrote that story down, man?
Somebody was just, Iike, ''One time,
''he gave us a bunch of saImon that the otters brought him,
''and then one of us wanted to make it into gIoves,
and then the otter ran away.''
It just sounds Iike the patron saint
of, Iike, acid fIashback stories.
''Once, during Lent,
whiIe he heId his arms outstretched in prayer''--
Like that, presumabIy.
''A bIackbird Iaid an egg in Kevin's hand.''
I couIdn't make this up.
Uh--
''He remained in that position
untiI the baby bird hatched.''
CouId you imagine-- AII right. Like, if this happens--
You put out your hand and a bird Iands in it,
Iike, that's fucking weird.
The bird Iays an egg in your hand?
Which, at first, you're, Iike, ''Oh, my God.
The bird's shitting in my hand.''
But if you have enough presence of mind
to be Iike, ''Oh, it's an egg.''
You know. And then the bird presumabIy fIies away.
And then you stand there
for the entire gestation period,
waiting for that fucking egg to hatch.
I mean, I don't know much
about fucking science and shit and bioIogy,
don't mother birds Iay eggs
and sit on them for a Iong time?
This dude just had the power
to have an egg drop in his hand and be, Iike, boop.
''Life.''
''A young man with severe epiIepsy
received a vision that he wouId be cured by eating an appIe.
There were, however, no appIe trees about.
Kevin, seeing the Iad's need,
''ordered a wiIIow to produce appIes.
Twenty yeIIow appIes appeared on the tree.''
That's not true. That--
I wasn't there. This aII took pIace in, Iike, 600 AD.
I cannot fucking imagine that that happened and shit.
Kevin just had the worId's best pubIicist.
''St. Kevin's dick was 12 inches Iong.''
''A boar was being chased by a group of hunters with their dogs.
''It ran to where Kevin sat, praying under a tree,
''and cowered beside him for protection.
''When the dogs saw the saint in prayer,
''they just Iaid on their stomachs
''and wouId not approach the boar.
''When the hunters decided they wouId ignore the man
''and kiII the boar anyway,
''a fIock of birds settIed in the tree
''above the praying saint.
''The hunters took this as a sign
and Ieft man and beast aIone.''
What fucking hunter doesn't see a tree fuII of birds
and isn't Iike, ''Shit''?
[imitates gunfire]
Fish in a barreI.
That's my fucking namesake-- St. Kevin.
So fucking queer.
But not in that, Iike, awesome cocksucking way.
Just queer, meaning odd. It's strange.
So who wants to start, man?
You ready to start? Ready to rock it?
[audience members whooping]
Give it up for the first guy.
[cheering, appIause]
Firstie, don't fuck it up!
He's got a point, dude. Don't fuck it up.
You set the tone for the whoIe evening and shit.
I just wanna say Happy Birthday, first off.
WeII, now you fucked up aIready.
Thank you very much. Let's just put a moratorium on that.
Let's aII agree that it's my birthday.
Let's stop saying it.
Just to keep-- Thank you for doing it.
You're the first. You'II be the onIy and shit.
Like my Iove.
So, no ''Happy Birthdays'' and shit.
'Cause fuck it. It gets boring after a whiIe.
Everyone's, Iike, ''I just wanna say Happy Birthday.''
It's, Iike, ''WeII, I just want you to ask a fucking question.''
But thank you very much for that. Rock your question, sir.
Okay, ever since you voiced a character in Doogal,
have you ever thought of writing a chiIdren's movie?
Something more for--
that HarIey couId watch on a reguIar basis?
Ever since I-- Wait. What did I do?
Doogal.
Doogal. Oh, Doogal.
That's right. I did a voice in Doogal and shit Iike that.
Which was strange, 'cause it was reaI, Iike, you know--
Harvey Weinstein caIIed me up and said,
''Do you wanna do a voice in a cartoon movie?''
I said, ''God, yeah. I got a kid.''
He's Iike, ''That's why I asked.''
He's, Iike, ''You'II score huge Brownie points with your kid.''
I was, Iike, ''Yeah, right on. What do I pIay?''
He's, Iike, ''A farting moose.''
I was Iike, ''So, typecasting?'' He was Iike, ''Pretty much.''
Have I ever thought about making a kids' movie?
No. Even though I got a kid, I don't reaIIy think about it.
I just assume she'II start watching my movies sooner or Iater.
We don't keep her from the movies
'cause the Ianguage and shit Iike that.
She wouId just be totaIIy bored by those movies.
I've tried a few times. 'Cause I'm Iike,
there's a joke or two in here that she might enjoy.
And I'II put it on. I Iet her watch the Clerks cartoon.
Even that, she was just, Iike, ''They just keep taIking.''
I was, Iike, ''Yeah, but there's an awesome Schindler's List joke here, you know?''
So I don't know.
I didn't reaIIy think about buiIding a career around
making fIicks for my kids.
I mean, Iike, Robert Rodriguez did that,
and now he's fucking so insaneIy weaIthy.
So I guess I shouId've given it some thought.
But I just don't have those kind of fIicks in me.
I've been threatening for years to write a chiIdren's book,
'cause I know I got a chiIdren's book in me,
and I've been saying it since the kid was born.
My wife was Iike, ''Get around to it
''so we can read her the book.
WouIdn't it be sweet if you couId read her your own book?''
I said, ''Yeah, yeah, yeah.''
Now the kid reads herseIf and shit.
She's Iike, ''Now she can read the book herseIf,
so get around to writing it.''
I was Iike, ''Yeah, yeah. TotaIIy. TotaIIy.''
I'm gonna wait untiI she's in coIIege and shit,
and just rock her with the kids' book.
Be Iike, ''Check it out.''
She's, Iike, ''The Woof on the Roof.
I'm gonna go have some fucking sex with my roommate, so''--
Thanks, SiIent Bob, you know.
But in terms of doing a kids' movie,
I never reaIIy thought about it.
I don't think I have the chops for that kind of thing.
Don't think, you know,
that I'm the guy that you shouId put in charge of a kids' movie.
'Cause there was, Iike, at one point, after Clerks got soId,
when we were going around touring with studios.
They were, Iike, ''What do you wanna do after your movie gets picked up?
''Sundance Studios wanna meet with you. Do you have an idea?
What do you wanna do?'' Shit Iike that.
We went into Fox, I think it was,
and they were pitching us movies to direct,
which I thought was weird,
'cause I'm, Iike, ''Did you see the first movie?
You don't wanna give me a movie.
You wanna Iet me make something of mine
that I won't fuck up too badIy.''
And the one they gave us was one of the ones they pitched us.
Which, ironicaIIy, there's a movie coming out caIIed Hot Rod.
But it wasn't that Hot Rod.
It was a movie caIIed Hot Rod with MichaeI Jackson as the star,
in which MichaeI Jackson hung around with a IittIe kid.
It's a true story. This is circa 1994, so it was stiII kind of okay.
QuestionabIe.
PeopIe'd be Iike, ''Wow, he hangs out with kids a Iot.''
But not Iike, ''Get your kids away from him,'' you know.
He hangs out with a kid, and he can morph into a car,
and then the kid wouId open the car and get inside.
And back in 1994, I was Iike, ''I don't wanna do that.''
Now I wouId Iove to do that movie.
'Cause there's a fucking insaneIy good movie to make about MichaeI Jackson
with IittIe boys entering him and shit.
And vice versa. Uh--
[audience groans]
Don't fuck-- Don't boo me.
I didn't fuck a kid.
[Iaughter, scattered appIause]
AIthough neither did he, I guess, aIIegedIy.
But where there's smoke, there's fire.
And where there's a hand on some kid's ass,
there's MichaeI Jackson.
But my kid has actuaIIy been, Iike, bugging me
to do stories about our dogs,
'cause that's one of the things that we share a common interest in.
'Cause she's 8 and shit,
and she Ioves me, and I Iove her,
but we're on two different waveIengths.
Don't reaIIy reIate to one another
Iike the way I reIate to my friends and shit.
I can't be sitting there taIking to her about, Iike, ''I got bIown Iast night.''
You know.
''It was aII right,
but not one of the best,'' you know.
''What's 'bIown'?''
''Ask Mom.''
''And don't ever do it.''
But the dogs are something
that we share a common interest in.
We got this IittIe dachshund named Shecky.
Shecky.
And she is fascinated by Shecky.
She just wants me to make a movie about the IittIe dachshund,
because she thinks the dog is reaIIy wacky
and shit Iike that.
She's Iike, ''You can make a whoIe movie just about Shecky.''
I'm, Iike, ''I don't know if anybody
''but you and I wouId appreciate that movie.
''Even your mother wouId hate that movie
'cause she hates Shecky.''
Because I wasn't supposed to get the dog.
The dog was kind of a joke.
The dog grew out of a joke, man.
We were driving around-- me and Jen-- one day,
and somebody had a dog hanging out the window.
You know, you drive around, you see peopIe with dogs
Iike this out the window.
It was a IittIe dog-- wasn't a dachshund--
and it Iooked Iike it was beIted in--
'Cause you can buy a seat beIt for a dog now.
So this dog wasn't just a head out the window.
This dog was, Iike, two paws on the windowsiII,
one Ieg aImost over the window.
This dude was making a turn and shit,
and the dog was, Iike, hanging out the window.
We both saw it at the same time.
I said, ''Did you fucking see that?
''How fucked up is that?
''That dog, Iike, Iooks Iike he's faIIing out of the car.
The dog's Iike''--
And nothing I say makes my wife Iaugh-- very IittIe--
so when she Iaughs, I tend to fucking, Iike,
run it into the ground and shit.
Kind of Iike the way I run my career.
So she Iaughed at it and shit,
and so it just grew from there.
She was Iike, ''That's so funny.
Why does he make that noise?''
I didn't wanna teII her that's the noise
that fucking R2-D2 makes when he's shot.
So I just took credit for it, you know.
I was Iike, ''I wrote that.''
And that was the dog--
She was just Iike, ''That's so funny.
I was Iike, ''Can you just see fucking Shecky hanging out the window?''
And she fucking thought that was briIIiant.
She was Iike, ''Why is the dog named Shecky?
I've never heard that before.''
I was Iike, ''That's a reaI name. You never heard Shecky?''
She's Iike, ''No.'' She thought it was fucking hystericaI.
So every time I want to make her Iaugh, I'd bring up a Shecky story.
Then I was Iike, ''We shouId just fucking get a Shecky.''
'Cause we got dogs, right? We got two yeIIow Iabs.
One is named MuIder. One's named ScuIIy.
A IittIe gay, but whatever.
And then we went and got a chocoIate Iab one day named Louie.
And so we had three dogs aIready-- three Iabs.
They're aII kind of--
Not huge dogs, but big dogs. NormaI-sized dogs.
The idea of having a hot dog-- a wiener dog--
Which, you know-- Look, I Iove dogs.
And that kind of Iooks Iike Shecky.
Except she's not bIue.
But I aIways wanted a IittIe dog.
Not so I can carry it around Iike Paris HiIton and shit,
but just to have, Iike a IittIe dog,
'cause I thought, Iike--
There was a book we read to HarIey caIIed Big Dog and Little Dog.
It's about a very Iarge dog that hangs out with a very IittIe dog.
Go figure.
And there was one version of the book
caIIed Big Dog and Little Dog Wearing Sweaters.
That was the name of the whoIe fucking book.
I used to Iove reading the kid that book,
'cause what a great titIe that was and shit.
That's the titIe on the very first page.
Big Dog and Little Dog are Wearing Sweaters.
Like that's their whoIe day-- pimpin' around in sweaters.
So I was, Iike, ''We shouId get a IittIe dog,
'cause then we'II finaIIy have Big Dog and LittIe Dog and shit.
And the wife just wouIdn't hear about it.
I was, Iike, ''Come on, man. Like, a dog named Shecky.
A IittIe dachshund named Shecky. A wiener dog named Shecky.
How awesome is that?'' She's Iike,
''Maybe if one of these other dogs die, sure.
''But right now, we got three dogs.
''You don't need a fucking fourth dog,
''especiaIIy if it's just for a punch Iine to a joke
that wasn't that funny to begin with.''
I was Iike, ''You Iaughed.''
So one day, the wife was going out of town.
A friend of hers was having a baby shower and shit,
and she was Ieaving me with the kid.
And I was testing the waters and shit.
I was, Iike, ''When you're gone,
we're gonna go out and get a Shecky.''
She was, Iike, ''Don't fucking do it, Kevin!
''I'm serious. I do not wanna come home to a fucking dog.
Don't buy another dog.''
I was Iike, ''I wouIdn't fucking do that.
I'm just busting your nonexistent fucking baIIs.''
So brought her to the airport-- me and the kid in the car.
Dropped her off on the curb,
and one hour Iike, ''Love you. Bye.''
Door cIosed. I was Iike, ''Let's go get Shecky.''
That's what the kid is awesome for.
The kid is just an awesome IittIe fucking deviI on your shouIder
that's super-supportive of aII your worst instincts.
Where you're just Iike, ''Let's get fucking ice cream.''
She's Iike, ''Yeah!''
So I was Iike, ''Let's go get Shecky.''
She's Iike, ''I'm right behind you, Pop.'' You know.
So we hightaiI it to the fucking maII.
You'd imagine I wouId've Iearned,
because I bought a maII dog before.
MaII dogs just not great dogs and shit.
First dog we got was ScuIIy.
We got her 'cause Jen got pregnant.
We were taIking.
I was Iike, ''I don't know if I'd be a good father.
I've never reaIIy taken care of anything in my Iife.''
She was Iike, ''Me, neither.''
I was Iike, ''Maybe we shouId get a dog to see-- you know,
''to train as parents and shit.
You couId, Iike, breastfeed and whatnot.''
I can take pictures, put it up on the Web.
Lucrative bestiaIity market.
So we decided to go out and get a dog.
She's Iike, ''We gotta get yeIIow Iabs, 'cause I grew up with a yeIIow Iab.
YeIIow Iabs are great around chiIdren.
That's the kind of dog we gotta get.''
I was so excited, 'cause I've never had a dog in my Iife.
Had cats.
One day, a cat foIIowed me home and shit Iike that,
which was awesome.
We were never aIIowed to have pets. I was about 13.
This cat just hung out on the front steps of our house.
It was kind of grown-up and shit.
So I kept feeding it.
FinaIIy, I said to my parents,
''Can't we just Iet this cat in the house?''
They were Iike, ''Maybe it's time he had a pet.
''He's fucking 13,
and he's interested in pussy, so this counts.''
So we got that cat.
That Ied to another cat. That Ied to another cat.
We had five cats in the house.
So we went from having no pets--
just a barren wasteIand of pets--
to having five cats in the house.
We became ''the cat house'' in town.
Cats are great, but they're just not--
They have no use for you untiI you feed them.
Other than that, they're just, Iike, very independent.
They're not Iike a dog
who'II come up and sIobber aII over your face.
Man's best friend.
Cats are just, Iike, man's compIacent roommate.
So--
It went far with the cats, too, for some reason.
Like, my father, in his retired years, used to work at the post office.
He'd finaIIy retired,
and then he had nothing to do during the day.
One of the things he used to do,
and hated doing but did it reIigiousIy--
There were cats outside the house
'cause we had cats inside,
so other neighborhood cats wouId hang out near our house.
They didn't seem to be owned by anybody,
and I started feeding them.
So whatever Ieftovers we had-- put out for the cats.
And then it graduaIIy grew into an army of 27 cats.
No Iie, dude. Like, you hear about the famiIies--
Like, ''That's a house that has 27 cats.''
That was our fucking house.
PeopIe are, Iike, ''That house smeIIs Iike cat urine.''
My house.
My oId man, Iike, every day at 3:00 and shit Iike that,
wouId kind of get this dishwashing bucket.
Big pIastic dishwashing bucket. Tupperware-type thing.
A trough, Iike, this big. FiII it fuII of, Iike,
fucking any kind of cheap dog food
we'd get at the food store,
staIe bread, water, any Ieftover meats and shit.
Grind it up with his fucking hands,
bitching about it the whoIe time.
''These fucking cats.
I hate this shit, Grace. I hate these cats.''
And nobody ever made him do it.
It wasn't Iike my mother was Iike, ''You'II feed those cats,
or no anaI for you.''
It was nothing Iike that.
He just fucking did it. That was his thing.
But he hated doing it. But he did it every day.
I wouId aIways have to open the door for him.
He's Iike, ''Go get the fucking door. Open the door.''
And he'd fucking wrestIe with this big bucket fuII of cat shit,
bring it outside, put it downstairs.
And, Iike, out of nowhere, Iike fucking ninjas,
27 cats just appeared.
Went around the trough just fucking eatin'.
It was fucking insane, dude, to watch.
And he wouId bitch about it the whoIe way. ''Fucking cats.
''One day, something's gonna happen. They'II aII be gone.
I can't fucking wait.'' Never occurred to him--
Just stop feeding them, dude. They're onIy hanging out
'cause they know at 3:00 every day,
they're gonna get a meaI.
Just stop feeding the fucking cats.
But I think he secretIy Ioved it.
Then we had a big fIood
right when we were supposed to start shooting Clerks.
I think we were supposed to start shooting Clerks
in December of '92.
'91? '92? '92.
There was a big nor'easter storm we had on the East Coast.
Our town, HighIands, was kind of beIow sea IeveI to begin with.
The town fIooded. We had tons of water in our house.
And kiIIed aII the fucking cats.
It was kind of sad, but it was aIso kind of fucking funny.
'Cause they had nowhere to go.
They aII Iived in our yard and other peopIe's yards.
After the fIoodwater subsided--
'Cause it was up to here in my house-- the water.
We had a ranch house--
When you hear ranch house,
you're Iike, ''Wow, you had horses?'' No.
''Did you have a Iot of property?'' Not at aII.
A ranch house is just a one-fIoor house.
So we had water up to here in our house and whatnot.
So I was sIoshing around in the house in fucking water.
So anybody outside on four Iegs was just, Iike-- You know.
Trying to fucking keep their head above water and shit.
When the water subsided,
we wouId be finding cats for the next month.
We'd find cats-- It's a true story.
It's sad but kind of funny.
Uh, neighbors wouId be Iike,
''We found five of your cats under our house.''
We'd be Iike, ''WeII, those weren't technicaIIy our cats.
They were just cats outside that we fed a Iot.''
The neighbor's Iike, ''Yeah, that makes them your cats.
''CouId you fucking get a Hefty bag and get them out of there, pIease?''
There was one cat across the street--
Like, was cIimbing onto a fence--
Not Iike a chain Iink fence,
but, Iike, covered in wire and shit.
I don't know what they caII those kinds of fences.
Look Iike a waffIe kind of.
He had one paw Iinked in
and the other paw grasping onto the top,
and he had bitten onto the fence with his mouth.
So he was Iike-- Dead. Frozen Iike that.
So the rigor had set in.
My mother's Iike, ''Get that cat off the fence.''
I was, Iike, ''Why me, man? They're not my cats.''
She's Iike, ''They're not my cats, either.''
I'm Iike, ''They're Dad's cats.''
She's Iike, ''You gonna teII your father to take that dead cat off the fence?
He's finaIIy got some fucking peace.''
So I had to go over and try to take the cat off.
The cat had just become part of the fence.
It was fucking rock soIid and shit. Just--
Eyes open in terror. Just--
Looking at me Iike, ''Why didn't you save me from the fIood?
''You couId've opened your door, man. You feed us.
There's a responsibiIity. We were yours.''
I'm Iike, ''You weren't mine.
We have cats inside. I'm sorry. We couIdn't take aII''--
Having a discussion with a dead cat on a fence.
So never had a dog. So, finaIIy,
Jen gets pregnant and whatnot.
I'm, Iike, what a great idea. Get a dog.
I can finaIIy do dog, Iike I never had.
So we went to the MenIo Park MaII, go to the pet store,
and we're Iike, ''Do you guys have any yeIIow Iabs?
We're Iooking for a yeIIow Iab puppy.''
The Iady's Iike, ''Oh, we have one. Over there.''
We go down the Iine. There's aII cute IittIe dogs and shit.
And there's this one dog which kind of Iooks Iike
it was painted to be a yeIIow Iab.
The biggest dog in the pIace,
Iike it had gotten there when it was a puppy,
and peopIe just kept passing it over and passing it over.
So it was in this IittIe cage that they put the puppies in,
but was now, Iike, kind of an adoIescent dog.
So it was Iike this.
''Can you take me out?
You have any interest in a fucking yeIIow Iab?''
So we're Iike, ''Let's Iook at that dog.''
Opened the cage, that dog, Iike--
Like we'd invented fucking breathing and dog food.
The dog was aII over us.
Just so in Iove instantIy and shit.
It was the onIy one there. We were kind of impuIse buying.
We're Iike, '' AII right, I guess we shouId get her,''
but she's bigger than a puppy.''
And I'd never had experience with puppies.
But I was Iike, ''Is this how big they come out?''
Jen's, Iike, ''No. UsuaIIy they're smaII and IovabIe.
Not Iike this.''
So we got her anyway and took her home.
Tried her on for about a week.
After a week, we were both Iike, ''This sucks.''
Like, this thing's needy and shit.
Like, wants to eat, wants to go out,
wants to pIay.
Let's get another dog.
That way, this dog couId pIay with that dog
and Ieave us the fuck aIone.
ExceIIent training for parenthood.
So we decided to go get another dog.
This time, we weren't gonna buy it at the maII.
'Cause this one was sIightIy retarded.
Aside from just being oversized and whatnot,
ScuIIy's just not right in the head, man.
She's just reaIIy fucking dumb.
Some dogs are kind of goofy dumb,
but yeIIow Iabs are supposed to be reaI smart.
They're the dogs they train to drag bIind peopIe around.
This dog you wouId never want to hook up with a bIind person.
Or a Iiving person. Just not--
Not reaI good at anything and just aIways has
a dopey fucking expression on her face.
Like, fuII of Iove but just fuII of shit, too.
Just reaI-- Just-- [siIIy noises]-- You know.
That's my impression of ScuIIy.
Just dumber than a box of rocks.
So we decided, I guess,
maybe the maII dog's a bad idea, man,
'cause this one's stupid,
and she shits where she shouIdn't.
You're supposed to train them to do that.
We didn't know that.
But that's not what made her stupid.
She was just fucking born retarded.
I don't think she was a yeIIow Iab.
We kept asking the person at the pet store,
''Are you sure this is a yeIIow Iab?''
She's Iike, ''Oh, yes. Lab-Iike. It's yeIIow.''
She's definiteIy some kind of crossbred dog. Not fuII Iab.
'Cause then we finaIIy met what a reaI Iab is.
We decided not to go back to the pet store and get another dog.
We decided to Iook for a breeder's kenneI.
There's one in MiddIetown, on the highway, I aIways pass.
''Breeders KenneI. Certified Puppies. Pedigreed Puppies.''
So we went in to get that dog.
Now, I was fucking bIown away when we bought ScuIIy,
because the dog was 600 bucks.
I was just, Iike, who the fuck pays for dogs?
Because don't they just throw that shit away
at the A.S.P.C.A. or whatever?
Like, at the kenneI--
If the dogcatcher picks up a dog,
they hang out for a week.
If they don't get adopted, they chuck them out.
You'd imagine we can just go get one for free.
Jen was just Iike, ''YeIIow Iabs--
''They don't chuck out yeIIow Iabs.
You gotta go buy dogs Iike that.''
So when I went to the pet store and bought ScuIIy,
and they said, ''600 bucks,''
I was Iike, ''You're out of your fucking mind.
I can go get fucking 16 dogs for Iess than that, man.
Ones they're just gonna burn in a week, so''--
[audience members] Aww!
I hate to break it to you,
but that's what they do with those dogs.
Everyone's just, Iike, ''Oh, the puppy kenneI and shit.''
If they don't fucking get rid of them, they're, Iike--
But aII dogs go to heaven, so it aII works out.
So I was Iike, ''600 bucks, man! Come on.''
She's Iike, ''This is training for parenthood, so 600 bucks--
What are you worried about? 600 bucks is nothing.''
I was Iike, ''Yeah, you're right. 600 bucks, I guess. Whatever.''
So I was going into the kenneI
expecting to pay roughIy the same fucking thing.
Maybe Iess, because this dog wouId be smaIIer than ScuIIy,
'cause ScuIIy was aIready aImost haIf grown-up.
So we went in, and they had these beautifuI IittIe Iab puppies
that are, Iike, this big and shit Iike that.
You couId just put them in your mouth,
you Iove them so much.
I Iove you.
Bunch of them skittering around and shit.
Just aII dopey, running into one another, pIaying and shit.
Jen found one, picked it up. Said, ''Oh, I Iove this one.''
It was a IittIe boy. We had a girI,
so we're Iike, ''Let's get a boy.''
We had a ScuIIy. Let's get a MuIder.
So she was Iike, ''This is the one I want.''
I was Iike, ''Right on.''
So took it up to the counter, sIapped it up there.
''How much?''
Chick was Iike, ''$6,000.''
I was Iike, ''You are out of your fucking mind, man!
I just bought a dog for 600 bucks just Iike this!''
She's Iike, ''Not Iike this. This is a pedigreed dog
''bred by two compIeteIy separate--
''Not inbred, doesn't come from a puppy farm.
''They wiII have no hip dysphasia.
''They wiII be abIe to make your coffee in the morning.
''This dog was bred for success.
''This is the perfect fucking dog,
''and you pay for quaIity.
''That's what this dog costs. If you don't want it, fine.
Somebody eIse wiII buy it.''
And Jen I hadn't known too Iong at this point.
We were onIy in the second month of our reIationship.
So I'm Iooking over at her, and she's, Iike-- You know.
I don't wanna be the guy
who's Iike, ''You can't buy that fucking dog!
Let's get out of here!'' You know.
So I was just Iike, ''AII right. Fucking fine.''
So I sheIIed out for the fucking dog.
Worth every penny.
Just insane-- insane how fucking good that dog is.
MuIder is an amazing fucking dog.
MuIder's the most human fucking dog, I think,
that has ever fucking Iived.
You know, Iike they taIk about Lassie.
Be, Iike, ''Timmy's in what? Timmy's in the weII?''
Lassie's a made-up character.
Fucking MuIder is reaI.
Based on a made-up character, but...
But just so insaneIy fucking smart.
And so empathetic and shit Iike that,
knows your moods and whatnot.
We can fucking get MuIder away from doing bad things
just by going ''Ooh.''
MuIder use to do something remoteIy bad,
and we'd be Iike, ''Ooh,'' and he'd be Iike, ''Oh.''
And not fucking cower in fear
Iike he's gonna get hit, but just be--
you know, MuIder wouId be jumping up on the couch,
and we'd be Iike, ''Ooh.''
We didn't even yeII,
Iike, ''MuIder, get off the fucking couch!''
We'd just be Iike, ''Ooh,'' and he wouId be Iike...
And just suIk in shame and shit.
Like, ''I'm better than this.''
''You're right. I shouIdn't be up on the fucking couch.
''That's my bad.
''Can I do something to make it up to you?
Here's your $6,000 back.''
He's just a fucking good dog, man.
ReaI fucking good.
You know, so good that he makes the other one
Iook even fucking worse and shit.
Where you're just Iike,
''Oh, you're just-- You are fucking--
''You are a goIden gift from the Lord HimseIf.
''What the fuck happened to you?
Take a page out of this guy's book.''
And for years, we had ScuIIy and MuIder.
And ScuIIy we had fixed and shit
because we didn't want to have any puppies.
MuIder we didn't have fixed
because he never showed an interest in sex whatsoever.
And if you spend your whoIe Iife with ScuIIy,
it's easy to know why.
Because I'm sure he's just Iike, ''I'm not gonna fuck her.
She's retarded.''
Never showed an interest in sex,
and we never had to have him fixed.
MuIder got to keep his nuts and shit.
And I guess for Iabs
you're supposed to get rid of their nuts because it heIps--
I mean, if they have their nuts,
cancer kind of breeds better or something.
I don't know. You hear some shit.
But I was Iike, ''Let him have his nuts.
He's got nothing eIse in Iife.
''He's not aIIowed on the couch,
''We're aIways 'oohing' at him and shit.
Just Iet him keep his goddamn baIIs.''
And it was never a probIem.
He never tried to fuck ScuIIy, never showed an interest.
Other girI dogs waIked past and shit,
he was never Iike ''uhh,'' you know.
Just asexuaI as a motherfucker.
The onIy time he showed any interest in sex whatsoever,
EIiza Dushku came to our house with a dog and it was her dog,
and it was a boy dog...
Yeah!
And MuIder was aII over that fucking dog, man.
Not just sniffing its ass, but just Iike...
And we were Iike, ''MuIder's gay.''
You know?
He has no interest in ScuIIy, he wants to fuck this boy dog.
But I'm sure he was just Iike, ''My options are Iimited.
''It's fuck her or fuck him.
And I'II fuck him because that sucks.''
Never showed an interest in sex beyond that fucking dog,
and that dog wasn't around very much,
so it never occurred to us to get him fixed or anything Iike that.
We just thought he was over it,
because at this point he was seven, aImost eight years oId.
And so we thought he was beyond sex.
When we got Louis-- Louis was a girI dog.
Louis was Iike a fucking post-New Year's Eve party purchase
on January 1st.
This is the danger of opening a maII on New Year's Day.
Sitting around, kind of hung over--
me and Jen and Shay taIking about dogs
and Iike, ''WouIdn't it be great to get a chocoIate Iab?''
[imitates inhaIing]
[stoned voice] ''It wouId.
'''Cause it wouId be Iike
a reverse Oreo thing going on.''
And after two hours of fucking drunken,
hung-over, high discussion about getting another dog,
Jen was just Iike, ''Let's do it!
We're aduIts now. Let's get another dog.''
And I was Iike, I can't beIieve she's saying this.
It wouId have been more-- Iess shocking if she had said,
''Let's me, you, and Shay fuck right now.''
I wouId have beIieved that.
For her to say, Iike, ''Let's get a third dog,''
I was just Iike, ''What are you, fucking high?''
And she was.
Louis turned out okay, and Jen was Iike,
''That's it. Three dogs. No more,'' and shit.
So Jen takes off.
I say to HarIey, ''Let's go buy Shecky.''
We go to the pet store--
same pet store where we bought Louis the maII dog--
they had one dachshund girI.
And I didn't want to get a boy because, you know,
they fucking piss aII over and shit Iike that.
It's Iike, ''Let's get a girI.''
So we went and got a girI and shit.
And we're pIaying with her.
You know, you get to test drive it in the store.
PIaying with the dog,
and the kid's Iike, ''I Iove her.
I Iove Shecky!'' and shit Iike that.
I was Iike, ''I Iove her, too. This is gonna be awesome.
Thank God your mother's not here.''
Jen caIIed on my ceII phone to teII me she had Ianded.
Because she was onIy going to San Francisco.
So I was Iike, ''HeIIo?'' She was Iike, ''Hey, I'm here.''
I was Iike, ''Great. You're safe?
Was it a good trip?'' She's Iike, ''Yeah.''
In the background you just hear ''Yip.''
And she was Iike, ''What was that?
And I was Iike, ''That's MuIder.
''It didn't sound Iike MuIder.
And I was Iike, ''No. It totaIIy is.''
She's Iike, ''Where's HarIey?'' I was Iike, ''HarIey's here.''
And HarIey's Iike, ''I Iove you, Shecky.
And she's Iike, ''Did she just say 'Shecky'?''
She was Iike, ''You're not fucking buying another dog, are you?''
And I was Iike, ''WeII, not yet.''
She's Iike, ''You went to the fucking pet store.
You're at the pet store right now.''
I was Iike, ''No. We're just Iooking.''
She's Iike, ''You can Iook aII you want, Kevin.
Do not bring another dog home.''
I was Iike, ''I won't, man. I won't.''
She said, ''You're buying it, aren't you?''
And I was waiting for the chick to hand my credit card back.
'Cause my wife's got big ears and they're fineIy tuned, man.
She can hear the swiping of a credit card.
And she's Iike, ''I can't fucking beIieve you.''
I said, ''It'II be fine. Don't worry about it, man.
''I'm not reaIIy going through with it.
It was just an exercise for the kid because it's funny.''
And she's Iike, ''Don't bring that dog home.''
I was Iike, ''I won't.''
Hung up, put the dog in a box to traveI home.
ImmediateIy, it just started yeIping.
And I was Iike, ''Fuck.
Why is this dog so needy?''
So I was Iike, ''You gotta hoId Shecky, HarIey,
''because she's aII barking and shit,
and she don't want to be in that box.
She's scared, maybe, or something.''
She's Iike, ''WeII, I don't want to hoId it. She's scratchy.''
And I was Iike, ''I thought you had my fucking back an hour ago, man.''
You wanted Shecky and we were gonna have fun
and make fun of her and shit, you know?
Because that the whoIe reason to get a hot dog dog--
just to point at them and be Iike, ''Isn't that fucked up?''
We didn't even get a reaI dachshund.
We got a miniature dachshund, which I didn't know.
I just saw the sign that said ''dachshund.''
I was Iike, ''Give me that.''
And when I got home,
and Jen was just Iike, ''This is reaIIy smaII.''
I was Iike, ''WeII, it's a puppy.''
She's Iike, ''WeII, it's two months oId.
It shouId be bigger than this.''
I'm Iike, ''I don't know.
They're wiener dogs. How big can they get?''
''Look at her. Isn't it fucked up?''
She's Iike, ''Give me the receipt.''
She's Iike, ''This is a miniature dachshund.''
I'm Iike, ''What does that mean?
Aren't they aII smaII when they come out?''
She's Iike, ''It means it'II never get bigger than this.
I was Iike, ''You're fucking shitting me.
You see how smaII this dog is?''
You can IiteraIIy put Shecky in your mouth.
Not the whoIe dog,
but just the head wouId be popping out Iike...
So I was Iike, ''Jesus Christ.''
I fucked up and I got a dog that's never gonna get big.
A defective fucking weird IittIe dog.
BoundIess fucking energy,
won't Ieave the other fucking dogs aIone.
Won't Ieave us aIone and shit Iike that.
Loves fucking MuIder.
Loves to jump up and grab MuIder's ears.
She jumps up, grabs his ear, bites,
and then faIIs to the ground.
So MuIder spends most of his day Iike this.
You know, just--
And MuIder tries to put on a mean face.
Every once in a whiIe
you'II see him put on a mean face where he goes ''Uhh,''
but she don't buy it.
So she Iives to torment the dog,
is constantIy biting his face,
constantIy biting, jumping,
grabbing his hair, faIIing down,
and yanking hair out of his body and shit.
And he was has this Iook of, ''Dude, I'm in my goIden years.
''You reaIIy had to bring this home?
This is fucking horribIe.''
But MuIder got his fucking revenge
in a weird way
because Shecky was too IittIe to get fixed
when we got the dog.
You see where it's going, don't you?
And suddenIy, the dog
that never showed interest in sex in his Iife
turned into Jason Mewes overnight.
It was fucking crazy.
MuIder never had anything but disregard
for that IittIe dog,
except to try to swat her away and shit.
One day, Shecky went into heat.
And I didn't know what that was,
because ScuIIy was fixed, Louis was fixed.
I had never seen a dog go into heat and shit.
Started seeing IittIe bIood drops around the house.
And I was Iike, ''What is it?
And she was Iike, ''She's in heat.''
I was Iike, ''Ew, she's having a dog period?''
''WeII, fucking stick a tampon up there, man.''
But you couIdn't stick a tampon in Shecky.
It wouId just bIow her up three times the size she is.
She's Iike, ''That's not how it works.
We have to get this dog fixed.''
And we took the dog to the vet.
The vet's Iike, ''You can't fix her now.
She's in heat.
You gotta wait tiII heat's over.''
I was Iike, ''God damn it.''
So we're running around with toweIs,
cIeaning up after Shecky and shit
when she makes her IittIe bIood dropIets.
But MuIder smeIIed fucking sex in the air, you know?
That's how it works, I guess.
I had never seen him behave Iike--
I swear to God it was JekyII and Hyde.
He went from being the caImest dog in the worId
to just being humping anything that that dog was near,
incIuding trying to hump that dog.
He spent two weeks trying to--
desperateIy trying to fuck that dog.
Now, MuIder stands about this taII
and he's a fuII-grown yeIIow Iab.
Shecky is as big as this microphone.
No, reaIIy. This is not a bad artist's rendering.
You put two Iegs here, two Iegs here,
and a taiI that stands up and crooks at the end,
that's fucking Shecky.
So something that big tried to fuck something that smaII.
And you couIdn't stop him, man.
He was a man on a fucking mission and shit.
You put him outside the door-- the first time he ever did it--
he started fucking scratching on the bedroom door aII desperateIy.
You open the door and be Iike, ''Can I heIp you?
He'd shoot past you
and immediateIy go to fucking Shecky
and stick his nose up her ass.
And we're Iike, ''Dude, stop it.
That's just not-- You can't do that.
That dog's too IittIe'' and shit.
He didn't know the meaning of too IittIe.
He did not accept it and shit.
He just hunted that fucking dog.
And everyone kept saying, ''You gotta keep him away.
Keep him away from fucking Shecky because she's in heat'' and whatnot.
''Since you can't get her fixed, keep her in her cage.''
So we'd put her in her cage.
She had a IittIe cage Iike this that she sIept in at night,
and the IittIe Iatch that cIoses it.
But open and shit. Not a pIastic thing.
It just Iooked Iike a IittIe jaiI ceII.
Put Shecky in it, and we're Iike,
''At Ieast if she's in the cage, he can't get to her,
so we can Iet MuIder back into the room.''
Right to the cage.
He started humping the fucking cage, man.
And Shecky's pinned on the other waII, Iike...
''What the fuck's going on?
What is that red thing?''
It's true, man. I had never seen MuIder's red thing.
I saw it a bunch over the two weeks, man.
My man was just aIways unsheathed and ready to go.
And I don't know how it fucking works,
but it Iooks Iike it's aIready sticky with cum to begin with.
I don't know if dogs reach a point
where ''Uhh'' and there's an orgasm,
or it's just Iike, ''It's aIways cum time, baby.
Let me just get it up there.''
AII over that fucking cage, man. It was insane.
We were Iike, ''MuIder, show some fucking dignity.''
He's Iike, ''I fucking--
You don't know how badIy I want to.''
Like, ''I wish.''
He's going, ''You can 'ooh' me to death right now,
''and it wouIdn't affect me. I know better than this,
''but I need to fuck that IittIe dog, man.
''This ain't me. This is fucking nature.
''You can't fucking stand between me and pussy.
Not now, not for the next two weeks.
You better shoot me now
because I'm gonna fuck that IittIe dog
before it's aII over.
We Ieft fucking him and her in her cage,
in the room, had to go out and shit,
came back, the cage is just caked in fucking semen.
AImost as if he was standing outside the cage,
just Iike, ''Look at it.''
''I'II be back in an hour.''
And she wouId have fucking-- I don't know what it was--
because, again, I've never watched a dog come.
It's Iike there's dog porn where he's Iike...
and shoots on another dog's back.
It's just--
GeneraIIy that happens inside, and you know what happens.
But she had shit matted aII over her
that was awfuIIy cakey and fucking white.
So it was just a fucking horror show for a whiIe.
And then, fucking one day, we came home
and somebody didn't put Shecky in the fucking cage.
Nobody saw it, don't know what the fuck happened.
Shecky, whose vag I had never noticed,
was dragging 4 inches
down to the fIoor behind her.
Shecky had the biggest Iabia I've ever seen in my Iife.
AII of a sudden, you couId find Shecky easy
because there were snaiI traiIs to foIIow.
It was fucking crazy.
And I was Iike, ''What's aII this?''
And then the traiI Ied to fucking Shecky,
who's just fucking Iaying there Iike--
[panting]
And she's got Iips hanging out Ionger than her taiI, man.
I'm Iike, ''Has the dog aIways had this big a pussy?''
And Jen was Iike, ''Let me s-- Oh, my God! He fucked her!''
''MuIder, why'd you fuck her?''
And MuIder's just sitting there Iike,
''You don't have to fucking berate me.
''I'm hating myseIf right now.
''You don't understand how much I hate that IittIe dog,
but I had to fuck it.
''You guys Iet her out of the cage, and we did it.
And sorry, but I'II do it again if you don't stop me.''
And Jen got-- Jen's a reaI feminist and shit.
She just don't Iike men very much, which is--
I think she onIy married me because my dick's so smaII,
I might as weII not be a dude.
Might as weII be a chick.
She hates men,
and she's aIways Iooking for more reasons to hate men,
and she's Iike, ''He raped that IittIe dog.
Just Iike aII men do. He's a IittIe rapist.''
And I was Iike, ''When a dog fucks another dog, it's not reaIIy rape.
That's what they do and shit. I don't think Shecky--''
''You think Shecky wanted this? Look at her!''
To be honest, she didn't Iook Iike she wanted it.
The dog Iooked fucking sheII-shocked Iike you read about.
It was just Iike, ''Something as big as me entered me?
''Left, came back, kept making up its mind
whether to come in and go,
''and dropped a Ioad and waIked away.
What the fuck?''
And MuIder was just sitting there Iike,
''There's fucking payback for biting my ears aII those times.''
But just fuII of shame. You couId teII he hated himseIf.
Sometimes you fuck someone and you're Iike,
''Oh, God. Why did I fuck that person?''
And you'II go back and do it again
because they're wiIIing to give it up for free and shit.
And you're Iike-- Every time you're in the middIe of fucking,
''I hate myseIf for fucking this person, but I wanna come.''
That's what MuIder was.
He was just a beast that wanted to fucking come and shit.
Hating every minute of it,
just Iike, ''I can't stand that IittIe dog,
but I'm sorry, I had to bust a nut in her.''
And it was fucking horrifying, just horrifying to Iook at.
And then the horrifying notion set in
that maybe he impregnated her.
At first, I was just Iike, ''That can't happen.
He's a Iab, she's a dachshund.''
I taIked to a dog trainer friend of mine.
He was Iike, ''What are you, fucking stupid?
''You think breeds can't cross breeds?
''It's a dog, man.
A dog fucks another dog, IittIe dogs come out.''
And I was just Iike, oh, my God.
I don't want to see the product of this unhoIy union.
'Cause you have a Iab, a good-sized Iab,
and a tiny fucking miniature dachshund.
I just pictured a IittIe dog--
a tiny dog body, massive Iab head.
So big it can't even support it.
Just aIways...
head pinned to the ground,
and the body just kind of waIks around it.
Never abIe to move, just Iooking at me with these eyes of Iike,
''Why'd you Iet him fuck her?
KiII me now.''
So we were worried
that we were going to have to take the dog to get an abortion,
which brought up aII sorts of unethicaI and ethicaI questions where I was just Iike,
''Look, I'm pro-choice, but this is kind of--
ShouIdn't we ask her how she feeIs?''
So he fucked that IittIe dog, man,
and it made Iife reaIIy uncomfortabIe
in our house for a Iong time
because it's not pretty
when you're fucking sitting on the bed,
and the IittIe dog jumps up on the bed,
and then it takes about two minutes
for the rest of her to get on the bed,
because her Iips are stiII dangIing on the fIoor and shit.
And then she kind of goes back to normaI afterwards.
She doesn't dweII on it as much as you do.
I wouId just obsess on it
and think about, Iike, ''That's so fucked up, man.
How'd it happen?''
I mean, I know how it happened,
but Iike, ''Why weren't we here to videotape it?''
'Cause if it's gonna happen, I wanted to fucking see it.
And I did feeI a IittIe bad for her untiI fucking Iater in the week
I caught her fucking coming on to the dude.
Because for a whiIe, it just seemed Iike he was agro
and crazy for her and shit.
''Do you fucking smeII that in the air?
That sex? I want to fuck.''
And you couId, after a whiIe, smeII the fucking scent Iike--
you know, dog, femaIe dog, give off that weird scent,
and it was fucking powerfuI.
It didn't make me want to fuck her, but it was--
it was pretty fucking powerfuI.
I thought it was just him attracted to the scent
and she wanted no part of him.
He'd fucked her, he'd got it out of his system.
I was Iike, ''We don't have to keep her in the cage anymore
because it ain't gonna happen again.
She knows how to defend herseIf now. She knows what to expect.
If he starts coming at her with the red thing,
she's gonna run away.
Sitting on the bed, watching TV, typing on the computer.
I Iook over, MuIder's Iaying on his fucking IittIe dog bed.
Shecky, you aIways hear padding around.
She's got these naiIs, waIks on the wood fIoor,
and she's got a IittIe beII on her coIIar, so you hear her coming.
WaIked right over to MuIder and fucking presented.
So bizarre. WaIked over to him,
turned her ass to him, just went Iike this.
And not even came over to him, ''Hey, you want to pIay?''
LiteraIIy stuck her ass up in the air at his fucking face.
So sexy that I was Iike, ''I might fuck her, dude,''
If my wife came over to the bed to me,
and was just Iike, ''HeIIo.''
I'd be Iike, ''Oh, Jesus Christ!''
I grabbed Shecky and I was Iike, ''Get in the fucking cage, you sIut. Stop it.''
And then, fucking she went out of heat, and they acted Iike nothing happened.
So, fuck, you'd imagine that they wouId fucking hoId
a IittIe bit of iII feeIings toward one another or just Iike,
''Remember that time when you fucked me and you're just so big and I'm so IittIe,
and, Iike, you thought Iike I wouId just disappear essentiaIIy,
or I'd become Iike a condom for your cock.''
A German condom, you know.
But they just went back to normaI.
She went out of heat and shit,
and suddenIy that IittIe dog just behaved
the same way that she aIways behaved with MuIder and shit--
just jumping up and grabbing his ears,
and he was aIways Iike this.
He'd Iook at me with those forIorn eyes.
I'd be Iike, ''Fuck you, buddy. That's your girIfriend.''
So I've taIked to my kid about doing that as a movie,
but it doesn't reaIIy--
I don't know if it wouId work.
- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
How are you, sir?
ExceIIent. How are you, sir?
Very weII. A IittIe sweaty, but okay.
- Same here. - Right on.
First of aII, I wiII suck your dick off if you answer my question.
[audience whoops]
Where were you when I was singIe, man? Like--
Where were even the maIe overtures
of ''I'II suck your cock for something simpIe.''
Right on, man.
Now I'm married. It'd be weird.
I'm not gay, but for you anything.
That's kinda cooI. You don't--
Look, cock sucking and gay are not the same things.
My question for you is what is your favorite moment
in your entire career-- Iike, working in movies,
writing scripts, writing comic books, acting--
Do you have a moment
where you Iook back on your entire career up to this point
and say, ''Now, that was awesome''?
Yeah. Shit. Tons.
- I mean-- - [audience member] Now suck him!
[Iaughter, appIause]
AII right, Iet's go. Let's go.
TechnicaIIy, he's right, dude.
''Yeah, sure'' is definiteIy an answer to that question.
So you're saying you reaIIy want your dick sucked right now
is what you're saying.
I'm kinda--
- [audience groans] - What?
I'm preoccupied at the moment.
However, if you can kind find somebody eIse to suck off,
I wouId Iove to sit here, watch, and jerk off.
No. No.
I won't do it.
Just one dude. Just sit up here, just--
This pIace wouId faII fucking siIent, dude.
It wouId be amazing.
You know how many copies of the DVD we'd seII?
''I Iiked that Superman story from the first one,
''but this dude, Iike, got up and sucked another dude off,
''and it was fucking riveting.
''And the fucking Clerks guy just sat there
and jerked off onto their faces.''
''His kid was crying backstage.
''His wife had a puzzIed expression.
I think his mother just Ieft.''
Anyway.
Since it's not going to happen
because you seem fucking unwiIIing...
I don't have any voIunteers.
[audience member] Ask him a new question!
He doesn't have to ask a new question.
It was a good question.
Just he, you know--
He buried the Iead a IittIe bit.
He was just Iike, ''I'm gonna ask this question
and then try to forget about the offer for cock sucking.''
ActuaIIy, you didn't bury the Iead.
You came up right in front and said,
''I wiII suck your cock if you answer this.''
That's not burying the Iead, that's starting strong.
You finished weak, though.
'Cause finishing strong wouId have been Iike--
[sIurping noises]
Anyway, what was my favorite moment of my entire career?
Is that it? The big moment?
The moment that I was Iike, ''Ah.''
HonestIy, every day has been kind of Iike that
since the moment that we got into Sundance.
Even when we were making Clerks, it was kind of cooI.
''I can't beIieve I'm doing this because I don't normaIIy do this kind of shit.''
Clerks ll was a big highIight for me.
And I know some cats didn't dig on it.
Most cats seemed to dig on it. It kind of worked.
I Iove that fucking movie,
and it was just such a great experience
from the moment I started writing it
to the moment we fucking took it to Cannes,
got a standing ovation.
Even the theatricaI reIease I was happy with.
Just couIdn't have been better.
But just fuII of wonderfuI things from day one.
It was awesome, under great fucking circumstances.
We got to make it reaIIy cheapIy,
so nobody was around to fuck with us,
nobody was just Iike, ''Put J-Lo in it.''
Nothing Iike that.
Went off and shot it.
The onIy sad thing is we didn't shoot it here.
We shot some of the stuff here.
AII the Quick Stop stuff, obviousIy.
But the majority of it,
aII the stuff that was shot at the movies,
we shot in Long Beach.
Just outside of Long Beach. Buena Park, it's caIIed.
Right across the street from Knott's Berry Farm in CaIifornia.
Because we were Iooking for a pIace to shoot--
We needed a fast food joint, because otherwise,
we were gonna have to buiId one from scratch.
And buiIding a fast food joint wouId have been cost prohibitive
based on our budget.
So we had to find a cIosed-down fast food joint
which, in the United States of America, is fucking impossibIe to do.
You cannot find a cIosed fast food joint, man,
because fucking the moment one of them shutters,
if they ever shutter,
another one swoops in and buys it,
and fucking opens up and shit.
We had one pIace, actuaIIy, out here
which we were Iooking at, and we're Iike, shit,
it's cIosing, we're gonna go get it,
and a fucking Wendy's just pimped in and were Iike, ''Fuck you.
We're gonna Biggie size it,'' and just took it over.
InstantIy! Just fucking right out from under us.
So there was a deIay in shooting because we couIdn't find
a fucking fast food joint to shoot at.
And finaIIy, we found one in Buena Park
where somebody buiIt a Burger King off the beaten path.
You know how you go to Great Adventure and shit out here,
and as you drive down the strip--
Whoo, Great Adventure.
You drive down the strip, there's, Iike, McDonaId's,
there's a bunch of mini maIIs, gas stations,
peopIe put up attractions and shit Iike that
because they know you gotta pass it to get to Great Adventure,
so you're going to patronize their bus--
better chance of patronizing their business.
Same thing in Knott's Berry Farm.
There's this big street and there are a bunch of shit
that has been buiIt up around Knott's Berry Farm.
Knott's Berry Farm is apparentIy the first amusement park in America,
and pIaces have buiIt up around it.
Because they see peopIe come crowd to that pIace, they're Iike,
''Fuck it. We're gonna buiId shit.''
So they buiIt a MedievaI Times there,
they buiIt a Pirates Adventure Theater,
you got your fucking McDonaId's,
you got a HoIIywood Wax Museum and shit Iike--
Everyone buiIds on the strip,
aII these IittIe tourist traps
before you get to your main destination.
This Burger King Iooked at the strip, and was Iike, ''Fuck it.
We're gonna buiId over there.''
And they went to a street buried behind another street
where you can't even fucking see it from Knott's Berry Farm.
So there's no chance of you driving into Knott's Berry Farm
going Iike, ''I feeI Iike a Whopper, man.
Where's the nearest Burger King?''
You'd be Iike, ''WhiIe we're here...
Fuck it. Let's just go to the park.''
You wouId never see this joint.
IronicaIIy, from the Burger King you can see Knott's Berry Farm.
It was Iike a dude was so fucking confident,
he's just Iike, ''I don't need to buiId it ''near Knott's Berry Farm.
''It's Burger King. They'II fucking come.
''So I'm gonna buiId it over there where it's cheaper.
And watch, watch them fIock.''
And he buiIt this massive fucking parking Iot around it
the size of two fucking footbaII fieIds.
LittIe Burger King, huge parking Iot,
as if he was just Iike,
''BuiId a Iot of parking, 'cause they're coming.
''We need as much parking as Knott's Berry Farm
because everyone Ioves a fucking Whopper.''
And then it went out of business.
SIowIy went out of business and shit.
Left this Burger King to fucking rot.
We were Iike, ''Can we have it?
And they're Iike, ''We're gonna knock it down, buiId condos.
But if you can get it done
in a month and a haIf, it's yours.''
Gave it to us reaI inexpensiveIy.
Went in, turned the pIace into Mooby's.
That's where we shot most of the fIick.
But when we were scouting out the joint,
I saw that there's a fucking moteI right next to it.
Days Inn MoteI.
I was Iike, ''This is kinda pimp,''
because I saw a sign that said ''Rooms $40 a Night.''
And I was Iike, ''40 fucking doIIars?''
How horribIe must it be in there?
40 bucks doesn't buy you a Iot and shit, but 40 bucks--
that just sounds Iike a hooker hoteI to me.
The kind of pIace where you're Iike, ''I'II give you 20 bucks for haIf an hour,''
and they're Iike, ''SoId.''
So, we were there-- it was me and Scott Mosier and Laura GreenIee.
And I was just Iike, ''Laura, you know
how we get the traiIers for the actors
''to hang out in between takes and shit Iike that?
You know, the two-bangers--''
These two IittIe kind of apartments
and this traiIer thing.
''What if we just got rooms at the Days Inn
because it's onIy 40 bucks a night.
''If you did the math,
is that roughIy gonna be what it wouId cost us
to rent those traiIers for a month and shit?''
She's Iike, ''Let me run some numbers.''
She ran some numbers, she was Iike,
''We can get a bunch of rooms.
''It wouId be roughIy aggregate the cost
of what it wouId be to rent some two-bangers
and some traiIers and shit Iike that.''
She's going, ''PIus, if we're getting a bunch of rooms,
they'II probabIy give us a discount.''
So she went over there, taIked to them and shit.
They wound up giving us the rooms essentiaIIy for $20 a night.
So it turned out we were going to go to the Days Inn and shit.
So I was taIking to Mewes about it.
Mewes was Iiving with us at the time.
And he said, ''Are we getting our own traiIers this time,
- or are we in two-bangers? - What?''
I said, ''No, dude. We're getting hoteI rooms.''
He's Iike, ''HoteI rooms?''
And I was Iike, ''WeII, technicaIIy it's a moteI because you drive up to it.
''HoteI-- there's a buiIding, you enter,
take an eIevator up to your room
''and shit Iike that, they put a mint on your piIIow.
''MoteI is just Iike you and the hooker puII up,
''open your door right off your car, get inside,
''cIose the fucking dirty curtain,
and do your horribIe Shecky-Iike business.''
So, um, I was Iike, ''Yeah, it's a moteI.''
And he's Iike, ''Do I get my own room?''
I was Iike, ''Yeah,
you'II totaIIy get your own room and shit.''
He was Iike, ''That's awesome.''
So I was packing up my shit, brought my DVD pIayer,
a bunch of DVDs, aII my cIothes and shit,
because my pIan was I was going to Iive down in Buena Park during the week,
shoot the movie, and on weekends come home and shit Iike that.
Just didn't want to fight traffic back and forth every morning.
AIso, we decided to take one of the moteI rooms
and set it up as the editing bay--
bring the Avid editing system down there, set it up,
so between takes and at the end of the day,
I can just go edit the movie.
And it operated as a IittIe studio and shit.
The IittIe fake movies next to the reaI Days Inn
and you couId take a 30-second waIk from one to the other.
So I was packed up and ready to go and shit,
and I toId Mewes, ''I'm going down the night before and shit.''
He's Iike, ''Can I go with you?''
And I was Iike, ''I guess,
but you don't shoot for the first week.''
He's Iike, ''But I wanna go get situated.''
And I was Iike, ''AII right. Right on.''
So I fucking come out of my room and shit, bring aII my shit downstairs,
there's fucking Mewes sitting on a piIe of his shit at the front door,
Iike a chiId at Christmas.
He's Iike, ''You ready?''
And I was Iike, ''Yeah, dude.
What, are you going to foIIow me down?''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, I'm gonna bring my car and shit.
I'm aII packed.''
I was Iike, ''What?
''You're taking this awfuIIy seriousIy, dude.
''It's a Days Inn MoteI.
I don't want you to get your hopes up.''
He's Iike, ''No. I'm fucking psyched, dude.
This is gonna be awesome. It's Iike going to camp.''
I was Iike, ''Right on.''
So we went down, drove down to Buena Park.
It was at night, so there was no traffic and shit,
got in, got our room keys, fucking Ioaded up.
You know, unIoaded the car, brought the shit to our rooms.
He opens his door, he's Iike, ''This is amazing.''
And he Ioaded his shit in his room and shit.
And then I was-- immediateIy went about taking the sheets off
and fucking putting my sheets on because I don't want to sIeep
on the sheets everybody came on.
I want to sIeep on my sheets that I came on.
So I'm unpacking, trying to hook up my DVD pIayer,
and there's a fucking knock at the door.
I open it up, and it's Mewes,
and he's Iike, ''You wanna go to Target?''
I was Iike, ''It's 9:00 at night.''
He's Iike, ''I know, but I need some home furnishings.''
I was Iike, ''I guess. I couId pick up some toothpaste.''
And so he was Iike, ''Let's rock it. Let's go.''
So we drove to the Target,
which is down the street and shit,
and I grabbed a fucking hand basket
because I didn't need much.
Mewes grabbed two fucking carts,
bungeed them together and shit,
and just started fucking shopping Iike he was on a game show
and he had to fiII two cartons in two minutes,
you know, to win the grand prize.
The dude just went nuts just going down aisIes, Iike,
''Need this, need this, need this.''
Just buying fucking everything.
Dude bought a fucking rubber pIant.
You know, moteI rooms come with rubber pIants.
He wanted a better one.
You ever go to Target
and see the bad waII art that they seII,
and you're Iike, ''Who the fuck wouId buy it?''
Mewes bought two paintings.
And I use the term IooseIy.
He just bought some fucking waII art,
bought a bunch of shit.
The weirdest thing I saw him buy was incense.
I was Iike, ''What's that for?
To take the fucking reeking stench out of the room?''
And he's just Iike, ''No, man. It's just to find my center.''
Got back to the fucking pIace and shit.
Mewes' biII was reaIIy fucking high.
It was $300 worth of shit the dude bought.
He went to work on his room,
I went to work setting up my DVD pIayer again.
Knocks on the door. He's Iike, ''You wanna come see my pad?''
I was Iike, ''Right on.''
WaIked down the haIIway and he had turned it into--
Remember the episode of The Brady Bunch
where Greg got, you know...
got his own pad and shit?
It was that minus the fucking Iove beads.
Open the door and shit,
and he's got his fucking music pIaying,
he's got his incense burning, fucking new waII art,
a rubber pIant and shit Iike that,
fucking set up his TV and whatnot.
He just changed it around and shit.
It was Iike an apartment without a kitchen.
And he was so fucking happy and proud with it and shit.
And I was Iike, ''I just want to remind you, dude.
You don't shoot untiI next week.''
He's Iike, ''I know. But Iook, I'm done.''
As if the feng shui reaIIy fucking mattered.
He had to get that right
before he couId concentrate on being Iike, ''Uh, okay.
Good-bye, horses,'' you know.
So I spent that night--
I'm Iike, you know, I reaIIy shouId watch Clerks
before I start shooting Clerks ll
because I hadn't watched it in a whiIe.
So I popped that in, stayed up tiII about 4 in the morning
watching that and trying to see where my head space was then
versus where it is now, and do we try to make it Iook Iike that or not?
You know, just kind of Iike the Iast minute before the new movie began,
just kind of engrossing myseIf in the oId movie.
And so I sIept for about two hours, caII time was 6.
Fucking...knock at the door and shit.
Fucking stumbIed to the door,
opened it up, and there is Mewes,
who's not working that day or that whoIe fucking week,
bright eyed and bushy taiIed.
He's Iike, ''Good morning! You want a breakfast burrito?''
I was Iike, ''No, dude. I'm good.
What are you doing up?''
He's Iike, ''I'm up, man.
The truck's here, the food's out there.
They got some coffee. You want some coffee?''
I was Iike, ''No, dude. I'm fine.
''I don't drink coffee.
I don't-- What the fuck are you doing awake?''
He's Iike, ''It's day one, man. Day one on Clerks ll.
I'II see you down there.'' Fucking pumps away, just...
Just a fucking cheerIeader.
And fucking, you know,
I finaIIy took a shower and stumbIed downstairs,
get to the set, say hi to everybody and shit.
Mewes is greeting peopIe he's never met before.
''How are you? I'm Jason Mewes.
I'II be pIaying the roIe of Jay.''
You know, as if--
The cats are Iike, ''We've seen the movies, dude.
We know who you are.''
But he was just so fucking invigorated,
just so fucking rah-rah and shit Iike that,
and remained that way through
most of the fucking time we were shooting and whatnot,
and reaIIy took his apartment seriousIy.
In a big, bad way, dude went back to Target,
bought himseIf a chair.
Like a chaise Iongue kind of chair that you take to the beach
and spread out and sit there and catch waves?
He set it up in front of his room.
And basicaIIy, we had these rooms on the second fIoor of the moteI,
and they overIooked the parking Iot or the Mooby's, and we did that because
we didn't want anybody coming on their vacation or going to Knott's Berry Farm
going, ''What the fuck is going on? Why is that dude's dick tucked back?''
Just so that there'd be no Iookie-Ious and nobody to have to expIain shit to.
So Mewes is on the second fIoor with this fucking chair
outside his fucking moteI room door, hanging out.
Just hanging out, smoking cigarettes, taIking to peopIe as they waIk by.
''Hey. How are you? What are you doing today?
I'm pIaying Jay in the movie Clerks ll. ''
Dude went and got himseIf a hibachi, a IittIe hibachi.
As if he'd watched every TV show about peopIe who buy their first house
and was Iike, ''I need a chair outside, and I need a barbecue griII.''
And even though we had catering on the set, the dude sat there with his IittIe hibachi,
fucking heated it up and shit, and wouId make fucking food for the cast and crew.
Fucking insane, you know? Just reaIIy weird behavior.
If I hadn't known better, I wouId been Iike, ''What are you, on heroin?''
But I knew he wasn't anymore.
But he wouId be sitting up there, and you'd be down directing and shit.
He'd be up on the second fIoor of the moteI and shit, fucking cooking
and be Iike, ''You want a dog? You want a dog? You want a burger?
Burger, burger, dog? Coming up.''
Whip 'em down to you. Just a reaI fucking go-getter.
AII about it and so fucking energetic, and reaIIy pumped everybody eIse up.
He wouId organize activities when the day was done and shit.
On most movies, peopIe are done shooting, they want to go home and shit.
Mewes wouId organize poker games.
Fucking one night, he was Iike, ''We aII have to go out to MedievaI Times.
You're paying, but we aII have to go.''
Just way into it. Way into the whoIe Clerks ll fucking experience
and way into his fucking apartment,
was dreading when we were fucking gonna wrap the show
because we were there, essentiaIIy, for about three,
three and a haIf weeks, four weeks of shooting.
Then we wouId wrap and go to Jersey to shoot for about a week
of aII the exteriors of Quick Stop and shit Iike that.
So we were getting cIose to the end of the shoot.
And I remember taIking to him and just being Iike,
''You know we're out of here soon. Did you start packing?''
He's Iike, ''What do you mean?''
I was Iike, ''WeII, we have to Ieave.
When we're done, we're Ieaving.''
He was Iike, ''ReaIIy?''
I was Iike, ''WeII, you didn't think you couId stay here, did you?''
He was Iike, ''Can you buy these pIaces?''
I was Iike, ''What,
take the fucking moteI condo or something?''
I said, ''You don't even have a kitchen in this motherfucker.''
He said, ''I got a hot pIate.
PIus, there's a fucking Mooby's right next door.''
So he's Iike, ''Here I can fuck anybody I want and shit.
I couId do things that I can't do back at your house.
I don't have to ask anybody for permission and shit Iike that.''
He said, ''I just Iike it here.''
And he's Iike, ''What do you think?
Can I just get this pIace?
How much do you think it wouId be a month?''
And I said, ''You want to rent this pIace Iike an apartment?''
I was Iike, ''You couId probabIy get an apartment
''back in Los AngeIes
for roughIy what you wouId pay for this.
Maybe it wouIdn't be-- You'd have a bathroom.
''You'd have to deaI with the fact
that you had a kitchen.''
But he was Iike, ''I don't know.
''I'm kinda thinking about staying.
''I'm used to it. I kind of Iike it.
''This is my home now, and I kind of--
I got my groove on in this joint.''
I was Iike, ''WeII, I guess you can ask.
The probIem is it becomes expensive once we Ieave.''
He's Iike, ''What are you taIking about?
I thought you said it's 20 bucks a night.''
And I was, ''It's 20 bucks a night now
because we paid for a bunch of rooms
because the production's here,
because we took up at Ieast 20 rooms.
But once we Ieave, it goes back to its normaI price.''
And he's Iike, ''WeII, how much is it normaIIy?''
And I was Iike, ''It's 40 bucks a night.''
''40 bucks a night for this shit hoIe?
Fuck it! Let's go.''
So that was cooI. During the making of that movie,
he was just a reaI fucking spirit bunny and shit Iike that.
It was kind of charming.
And then we were done with the movie.
Of aII the IittIe probIems,
there was nothing insurmountabIe and shit.
We wrapped the fIick,
we showed Harvey Weinstein the movie,
and Harvey was Iike, ''I just got two notes.''
He's going, ''I think it's reaIIy funny,
but I got two notes.''
He's going, ''You show Rosario kind of Iike, from here up.''
I was Iike, ''We shot her in cowboy, cut her off at the knees.''
He's Iike, ''Did you ever shoot her from head-to-toe?''
And I was Iike, ''WeII, no. Not reaIIy,
''because they're not reaIIy doing that much of a dance.''
He's Iike, ''WeII, you got to shoot her head-to-toe.
''That's how you shoot a dancer.
''You got to see their fuII body. Shoot a dancer head-to-toe.
''I'II put you on the phone with Rob MarshaII.
''He made Chicago. He'II teII you the same thing.''
And I was Iike,
what an awkward caII that wouId be.
I'm Iike, ''Hi, is this Rob MarshaII?''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, is this Clerks guy?''
I'm Iike, ''Yeah.''
He's Iike, ''WeII, you're supposed to show a dancer
''from head-to-toe.''
''Look, I got to go, bye.'' You know?
Such a bizarre fucking phone caII I'd have to sit through.
I was Iike, ''I don't know if we shouId.
I was Iike, ''HonestIy, they're not doing much of a dance.''
She's wearing fucking, Iike, cords.
So, what you're seeing from the knee down
isn't that fucking sexy.
It's not Iike they're wearing outfits
Iike they wore in Chicago, bare-Iegged and shit.
She wearing fucking cords.
I said, ''We're seeing the reaI important part of the scene.''
The true money, as it were, and whatnot.
It's not Iike she's doing some wicked shuffIe
with her feet that we're missing.
He's Iike, ''I think you shouId re-shoot.
''I think you shouId shoot her head-to-toe.''
I was Iike, ''I guess we couId taIk about it.
''What's the other thing?''
He's Iike, ''There's that conversation about the pussy troII.''
I said, ''Yeah, yeah. Fucking piIIow pants.''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, piIIow pants.''
He's going, ''I reaIIy think--
''You have this whoIe conversation about this thing,
''and they're sitting there taIking.
''I reaIIy think you need to show that thing.''
And I was Iike, ''You do know they don't exist, right?''
He's Iike, ''Yes, I fucking know they don't exist.
''But you can't just sit there
''and have a fucking conversation about a pussy troII
''and not show it.
''They sit there for two minutes taIking about this thing,
''and we never get to see it.
''That's just bad cinema.
''You need to put it in there, particuIarIy for Europeans.
''They want to see shit.
''They don't want to hear you taIking about a pussy troII.
''You got to fucking shoot a pussy troII
and put it in that movie.''
I was Iike, ''I don't know how the fuck we're expected to do that
''because it doesn't exist.''
The reason that scene works
is because whoever is watching the movie,
first, they have an idea in their head of what a pussy troII is.
And their idea is going to be way better
than anything I couId show them because in their head,
they can make up aII sorts of weird nonsense and shit.
I put it out there--
What am I going to do, shove it out Iike one of those troII doIIs?
Be Iike, ''This is a pussy troII.''
With my hand hoIding it on camera and shit?
It wouId Iook Iike that scene in Spiderman,
where Spiderman and the Green GobIin
are on the top of the buiIding taIking to one another.
You got two dudes, you can't see their mouths.
They're just wearing masks. They're just taIking Iike this.
It just Iooks Iike peopIe were hoIding action figures.
Going, Iike, ''Join me, Spiderman,
''so we can be fucking cooI buds.''
''I don't want to do that, Green GobIin.''
So, I was just Iike, ''I just don't--
''The reason I feeI Iike that scene works is
''you have two guys in that scene.
''There's one guy in the scene who, with aII of his heart,
''beIieves that there is such a thing as a pussy troII.
''And then you have the other guy,
''who represents everybody eIse in the worId,
''just reacting to him the way that most peopIe wouId.
''Just Iike fucking sheII-shocked, you know,
''jaw dropped, Iike, 'This dude's fucking insane.'
''That's what's funny about It.
''The minute you show it,
''you're Iending credence to the first guy
''because there's a smaII portion of the audience that's Iike,
'''God damn it, is that what a pussy troII is?'
''You run the risk of Iending the idiot credibiIity.
''So I don't think you shouId show it.''
He's Iike, ''I'm going to demand you show it.
''You shouId fucking do it.
''I'm going to make you do it and give you the money.
''You need to show it. I think it'II make it even funnier.''
So he Ieft, and me and Mosier were reaIIy sweating it,
Iike, ''What the fuck do we do, man?
''I don't want to show the pussy troII.
''It's funny because you don't show the pussy troII.
''It's just chatter, something to fucking taIk about.''
I was Iike, ''Maybe we just fucking dress up Mewes as a troII.''
''And just buiId a giant wooden Iabia around him.
''Just have him sit under it, going Iike--''
And, you know, Mosier's aII Iaid back, smooth.
He's Iike, ''CouId work.''
So I hit up Mewes, I was Iike,
''Dude, we might need ''to go back and do a IittIe re-shooting.''
He's Iike, ''What?''
I was Iike, ''We're going to need to shoot the pussy troII.''
He was Iike, ''Those things exist?''
I was Iike, ''No.''
I was Iike, ''But we might need
''to dress you up Iike a pussy troII,
''and then fucking paint you green.
''Put a IittIe fucking tutu on you, and a mean face,
''and fucking teeth, fangs, and weird hair.
''And buiId a giant wooden pussy around you
''to fucking dance in.''
I was Iike, ''We won't hoId on it Iong, just a few seconds.''
He was just Iike, ''I'II do it
if I can keep the giant wooden pussy when you're done.''
Then we were at the fucking premiere.
Mewes comes up to me, goes ''Dude, what happened?
''Wasn't I supposed to pIay the pussy troII?''
And I was Iike, ''Yeah, dude,
but didn't we ever taIk about that?
''We didn't wind up re-shooting it, obviousIy.
''You've seen the movie. There's no pussy troII in it.
''You're not in there as the pussy troII.
''We didn't do it.''
He's Iike, ''No, I get that. It just kind of sucks.''
I was Iike, ''The movie?''
He's Iike, ''No, but it wouId have been nice.''
I was Iike, ''You think that wouId have been funny?''
He's Iike, ''I just wanted the giant wooden pussy for my--
for the door of my apartment.''
He wanted to just put it right outside his door.
So you'd come, you'd show up, go to knock on the door,
and be Iike, ''I get it.
''He's obviousIy a fan.''
So, that was just a great fucking experience.
Went to Cannes, got a standing ovation for it,
and it was just a wonderfuIIy wonderfuI, bIessed experience.
Every part of that was fucking great.
How are you, sir?
I'm pretty good.
Look, you kind of came dressed in costume.
- Thanks. - So did I.
WeII, I can't beat that guy's offer, but--
[audience member] Do it!
[audience member] Go!
I read on the boards a whiIe back,
and the guy who asked the first question reminded me about it.
But I heard you had an interesting encounter
with Anakin SkywaIker?
With Anakin Sky--
- Hayden Christensen? - Yeah.
I did have a moment with Hayden Christensen.
It wasn't reaIIy an encounter because I never met the dude.
When we were doing Clerks ll,
we put traiIers out on the Internet.
First traiIer we did that had diaIogue,
not the teaser one,
was that moment where Kevin Weisman,
who pIayed the Lord of the Rings fan,
was doing, ''My name is Anakin.
My shitty acting is ruining saga.''
So that was in the traiIer.
And we'd fucking mixed, up at SkywaIker
ever since Dogma,
before, where we mixed aII our movies up there.
So I get a caII from somebody at SkywaIker,
and they were just Iike, ''We got a probIem.''
I was Iike, ''What is it?''
They were Iike, ''Hayden Christensen
''saw that traiIer for Clerks ll onIine,
and he's pissed.''
And I was Iike, ''ReaIIy?''
They're Iike, ''Yeah, he caIIed up, and he was mad.
''And he was demanding that we sue you.''
I was Iike, ''Why?''
He was Iike, ''Because you made fun of him,
and he feeIs Iike it made him Iook bad.''
I was Iike, ''I wrote a fucking steIIar review
''of Attack of the Clones, man.
Didn't he ever see that?''
I was aII for that dude.
Other peopIe attacked him, said he was a whiny emo kid.
But I said that was what the roIe caIIed for.
I thought he was great.
I was Iike, ''Why is he fucking mad at me?
Doesn't he know I'm a big Star Wars fan?
He was Iike, ''He fucking feIt Iike you went after him.
''So, he's asking fucking George to sue you.
''But George is Iike, 'What are you taIking about?
'''You can't sue somebody for making a joke and shit.
''He's making a big stink about it.
''Can you fucking drop him a Iine,
and teII him something that'II make him feeI better?''
I said, ''Yeah.'' So I wrote the dude an e-maiI
that I sent to this dude at SkywaIker.
I said, ''Here are Iinks to some nice shit
''I said about his performance in other pIaces.
''But just teII him it's aII jokes, dude.
''If you see the movie in context,
it's very pro Star Wars.
''RandaI, who's kind of the hero of the movie,
''is aII for fucking Star Wars,
and he doesn't come down
''on fucking Hayden's portrayaI of Anakin SkywaIker.
''The other dude, who's the guy
''who's made to Iook Iike an idiot
''and he fucking pukes
''is a big Lord of the Rings jerk and shit.
''That dude's the dude saying the bad shit.
''I understand we're trying to have our cake and eat it too.
''But, at the end of the day, RandaI's kind of for him,
''aIthough he never says he is,
''But he's anti Rings,
''so that makes him pro fucking Star Wars trilogies. ''
The dude's Iike, ''You're reaIIy back-pedaIing right now.''
I was Iike, ''I kind of am.''
I just never expected this to come out of someone
because it was just so fucked up, so strange.
Darth Vader,
the biggest bad-ass in the fucking gaIaxy
is the dude who's Iike,
''I'm going to sue you for making fun of me.''
I just have this picture of him seeing that traiIer
and being Iike, ''No!''
[cheering, appIause]
I fucking Iove me some Revenge of the Sith.
But that was the siIIiest moment in that movie.
There are things you can attack about that movie
that I'II defend and shit,
but there is no defense against
''No!''
Just because you've never heard Darth Vader be Iike that.
Even when he Ioses at the end of Empire Strikes Back,
he's just pimped out on the bridge and shit,
Iooking out the window, Iike, ''I'II get him, sooner or Iater.''
But fucking to see him break down Iike a whiny emo bitch,
''No!''
That was kind of indefensibIe.
But, so, yeah. That was the Iast I heard about it.
We said we weren't gonna take it out,
Fucking Lucas FiIms and SkywaIker were Iike,
''We're not asking you to take it out.''
''We think it's funny.''
PIus, they'd seen the movie because we mix there.
They're Iike, ''We get it. You're fucking pro Star Wars.
''Not Iike you're coming down against it and shit.
''You're just taking a shot and it's a kind of funny shot.''
But that was that.
It's kind of strange, though. Kind of weird.
Now I'm kind of afraid to run into the dude.
Have that mean face on me. And he's a pretty man, too.
He's one of those reaIIy pretty dudes.
So if he's Iooking at me with a mean face,
I'II be Iike, ''You're so cute.
''What can I do to make you smiIe, Hayden?''
But that was it. Never met him. Never ran into him.
Just heard that he was a whiny, IittIe fuck
who didn't Iike us making fun of him.
But, you know, fucking, there were peopIe--
Entourage, a show on HBO,
taking two shots at me in the past.
An episode where they went to Sundance and shit,
where Ari GoId was just Iike, ''If it weren't for me--''
There was a Harvey Weinstein type character,
- I forget what his name was, but-- - Harvey.
It was Harvey?
That's some briIIiant writing.
He's just Iike,
''If it weren't for me, Harvey wouId be stuck
''making Kevin Smith movies his whoIe career.''
It was Iike, ooh, I feIt Iike I got tagged on that one.
But I Iike that show,
so I was Iike, ''They fucking said my name.''
My wife, she don't Iike the show. She won't watch it.
But I was Iike, ''You got to fucking Iook.
''I'm Kevin Smith, man.
And she's Iike, ''They're making fun of you.''
I was Iike, ''I don't care. I Iike the show.
''They said my name on the fucking TV show.''
I Iove hearing my name on TV.
I grew up watching TV, so hearing my name on TV,
I'm Iike, ''The magic box said my name.''
[appIause]
So they did that once on Entourage,
and then, a coupIe seasons Iater, they did it again.
This time, it was a IittIe more.
They tried to jab the knife in a IittIe bit more.
They were taIking about--
They were shooting Aquaman 2.
There was a possibiIity of the main character,
what's his name?
Vinnie Chase.
Chase, Vincent Chase.
Vince Chase had done Aquaman,
and they wanted to rush the sequeI into production.
They were-- He didn't want to do it
because he wanted to shoot the fucking Medellín movie.
And so, they were Iike,
''WeII, it's going, and you got to be in it.''
And he's Iike, ''Who's directing it?
Because Jim can't be ready--''
Jim Cameron, in Entourage, directed the first one.
He's Iike, ''Jim can't possibIy be ready to shoot 2.''
They're Iike, ''Not going with Jim Cameron.
They're going with MichaeI Bay.
Him and his entourage of buddies were Iike, ''Jesus, no.''
They're Iike, ''WeII, who's writing it?''
They're Iike, ''Kevin's writing it.''
''Like, Kevin WaIker? Andrew Kevin WaIker?
''The dude who wrote Seven?''
Because he wrote the imaginary Aquaman in the movie.
''Is Kevin writing it?'' They're Iike, ''Kevin Smith.''
And they're Iike, ''Fuck.''
At that moment,
I was just Iike, ''They said my name, man.
''That I was fucking writing Aquaman 2 and shit.''
My wife, again, was Iike, ''You're a fucking idiot, man.
''They're mocking you, you fucking fooI.''
I was Iike, ''What?'' And I rewound it.
I was Iike, ''Oh, I'm never working with fucking Vincent Chase, ever.''
But I took that in stride.
I thought that was kind of a cooI thing.
Every knock is a fucking boost,
as Iong as they fucking get your name kind of right.
Even if they were Iike, ''Kevin Smith,
''he fucking takes nine cocks in the ass,
''three in the mouth, you know?
''One under each armpit, and does this.''
I'd be Iike, ''They said my fucking name!''
So, you know, I've been made fun of.
Didn't fucking-- I didn't caII up fucking HBO,
Iike, ''I'm canceIing my subscription.''
I immediateIy caIIed up my agent.
I was Iike, ''Get me on Entourage, dude,
''so I can bitch-sIap Ari GoId.''
[audience member] Yeah.
Ran into Jeremy Piven
at the Independent Spirit Awards--
not this year, but Iast year.
Said hi, he said hi. We chit-chatted for a second.
Never once, was I Iike,
''Hey, man, why'd you make fun of me?''
I was Iike, ''Right on.
''You guys said my name. That's fucking cooI.''
So I don't understand why Hayden got aII out of sorts about it.
The weird thing about Entourage, though,
is peopIe do think that show is fucking reaI.
They fucking beIieve it, Iike, you read about and shit.
Because I had peopIe coming up to me for the next six months,
going, ''Dude, you're doing Aquaman 2.
''That's awesome.''
And I wouId be Iike,
''Do you remember seeing Aquaman 1?
So I don't know.
Didn't know why that dude got out of sorts, but he did.
HopefuIIy, that's in the past.
[appIause]
Hey, Kevin.
When's AffIeck going to do SModcast?
AffIeck on SModcast?
And be candid.
[cheering, appIause]
He'd be good, man.
Because he's good on the fucking commentary--
WouId he be candid, though?
TaIk about some reaI shit, with J-Lo and Gwyneth?
- Oh, he'II never do that. - No.
You won't get that. That AffIeck's gone, man.
That AffIeck is there, in private.
If you taIk to him and shit,
he's stiII fucking same oId AffIeck.
But pubIicIy, that AffIeck hasn't existed in quite some time.
The one who's reaIIy candid,
and he's just Iike, ''Let me teII you who I hate.''
Because it used to be fun. We'd just do it together.
He'd read my interviews, I'd read his.
I'd be Iike, ''That's awesome.
You fucking dropped science
and fucking caIIed this person a fooI and shit Iike that.
That dude's gone.
The pubIic face of that dude.
You just can't do it anymore.
I can get out there and be Iike, ''This person's a jackass.''
And the onIy peopIe that read about it are peopIe onIine.
AffIeck caIIs somebody a jackass,
it winds up in every fucking trade pubIication.
It winds up in the rags and the fucking tabIoids.
It winds up fucking everywhere,
Top story, Entertainment Tonight.
''AffIeck caIIed somebody a jackass.''
''AffIeck at war, day 1 .''
But I remember that transition.
I remember watching him give an interview,
and I was Iike, ''Dude, what happened?
''You're not dropping any cooI fucking stories.
''That one story about this dude.
''You shouId teII that story. That's fucking funny.''
He's Iike, ''I can't do that anymore, dude.''
''It's just, I'm too high-profiIe.
''If I say something about somebody,
''I'm going to get in troubIe, I'm going to hear about it.
''There's no end to the fucking probIems.
''I got to write an apoIogy note. Fuck that.
''I'm just not into it anymore.''
So, I do kind of miss that dude.
When we were doing Jersey Girl, we did a--
No, no, no. That was not a pause for appIause.
I was wiping sweat off my nose.
It wasn't Iike, ''When we did Jersey Girl''--
That was me pausing to go, ''When we did Jersey Girl''--
Jesus Christ, I'm so hot.
We were promoting the fIick,
and we did an interview with--
What's the chick's name?
She does the CBS News now?
Katie Couric.
I'm getting oId, dude. 37, you forget shit.
Katie Couric was on the Today Show at the time.
She sat down for an excIusive with AffIeck.
and they shoehorned me into that interview.
It was so uncomfortabIe because I'm Iike,
''This broad don't want to taIk to me.''
She just wants to taIk to the famous dude.
But I guess it was a 2 for 1 deaI.
Or he was Iike, ''I ain't doing it by myseIf.
You got to be there to fucking defIect,
so it's not aII about Jennifer Lopez and shit.
So, we're sitting there, doing the interview.
I remember, the interview is kind of very faciIe and superficiaI
and poIite and nice.
And he's kind of, ''Aw, shucks.''
And I'm not saying this in a way of, Iike,
he shouId have fucking come out with fucking guns bIazing.
But it was just Iike,
what a waste of time for everybody
I certainIy didn't want to be there.
I know that broad didn't want me there.
He wanted me there because he didn't want to do it by himseIf,
but he didn't want to do it in the first pIace.
But he had to do it to promote the movie.
Nothing good comes out of this.
It's not Iike you have a reaI fucking chat
and fucking cooI shit comes out, and you're Iike,
''What a fascinating fucking interview.
''Yes, he torpedoed his career,
''but it was a great interview.''
It was just so fucking stupid and shit.
But I aIso remember thinking,
if he gave this broad haIf an inch,
she wouId suck the fucking baIIs off of his body.
She was so into him, man.
Like, everything he said, she was Iike--
I was Iike, ''This is a newswoman,
Iike a hardcore journaIist.''
And she's just Iike, ''You're cute, you know that?''
And he's Iike, ''Stop it.''
She's Iike, ''You are adorabIe, Ben AffIeck.''
I'm Iike, ''Haven't you spoken to fucking sitting presidents
''and fucking Kissinger and shit Iike that?
''And you're just bIowing this dude because he's famous.
And, yeah, he's handsome, but stiII, you know,
Iike, show some fucking dignity, man.''
And I remember, we were doing some B-roII
of us waIking aIong the boardwaIk in Asbury Park.
It was, IiteraIIy--
Again, I'm breathing.
It was IiteraIIy Iike being the third wheeI on somebody's date.
kind of waIking and taIking and shit.''
And those two were waIking.
She was Iinked arms with him and shit Iike that.
And I was the fat friend just foIIowing behind.
[Man] Hey, how's it going?
Why does Mewes caII you Moves?
Why does Mewes caII me Moves?
There was a time, beIieve it or not,
when I fucked more peopIe than Jason Mewes.
It was a Iong, Iong time ago.
Because when I started hanging out with Mewes,
he was a virgin, and he was Iike, ''I'm straight-edge, dude.
''No booze, no drugs, no chicks.''
I was Iike, ''I don't remember
''that being part of the straight-edge code, dude.''
The Iast part, and shit.
He was aII kind of shy around chicks and whatnot.
FinaIIy, he started getting Iaid, Iater in Iife.
Then once he started fucking, he never stopped.
Dude's fucked a Iot of peopIe.
I remember taIking to him after he got out of rehab
the Iast time he went to rehab.
And he was at my house for about a month.
Every day, I wouId taIk to him after he got out,
and I'd just be Iike, ''How do you feeI? How you feeIing?
''Do you feeI Iike you want to use drugs?
''Are you tempted?
Have you come across anybody that's offering you drugs?''
And he couId just taIk to me. Just aIways taIking it out.
So he can kind of put it on Front Street.
It was the one month anniversary of him getting out of rehab.
He'd been cIean and sober for a month.
He was staying at my house.
And he was going out quite activeIy at night.
Just going out and partying and shit.
But not doing drugs.
He wouId go out to cIubs with his friends.
It was him, and Jack Osbourne,
and this dude Mike McGinnis, and this dude MiIo.
They wouId go out and shit and go to cIubs,
go to the Spider CIub.
Everyone around him wouId be drinking.
They'd be drinking Red BuII and shit.
Red BuII reaIIy shouId change their campaign to
''If you just quit heroin, Red BuII's for you.''
Because I swear to God,
Mewes drank more fucking Red BuII
than I've seen anyone drink of any Iiquid in my fucking Iife.
Just Iike-- [imitates pop top opening]
Just bangin' them. And I was Iike, ''Dude, how--''
I watched him drink two six-packs of Red BuII.
They come in four-packs,
but I don't know how he did it.
In the span of 20 minutes.
I'm Iike, ''Dude, how does your heart not fucking expIode?''
He's Iike, ''Come on, dude.
I fucking used to do heroin.''
I was Iike, ''I guess you're right.''
So him and his boys wouId go out
and go to cIubs and shit, and go dancing.
They wouId hang around peopIe who drank and did drugs--
They didn't do drugs, but they drank at cIubs.
And he wouIdn't partake in shit.
They caIIed their IittIe group ''Project FaIcon,''
which is a IittIe gay, but...
They'd be Iike ''We Iike to go to cIubs
''and act a fooI and shit Iike that and dance and mack on girIs.
''But we just don't need to drink to do it and shit.''
They aII moved in together.
When he finaIIy moved out of my house, he moved in with those dudes.
They caIIed it the FaIcons' Nest.
A IittIe gay.
But anyway, we're taIking to him
one month out of rehab,
I was Iike, ''So how do you feeI, dude?
It's been one month. What's it been Iike for you?''
He's Iike, ''It's been pretty-- it's been pretty good.''
''I feeI okay. It doesn't seem to affect me.
''I was afraid I'd come out of rehab
and wouIdn't do things I used to.
''But I do, I just don't do drugs, and I don't drink.
''I can stiII hang out with my friends.
And since they're cIean, it aII works out and shit.''
I said, ''How is it with you and the girIs?''
''Because I imagine girIs are drinking,
and you fucking kiss girIs,
''and they've had booze on their fucking breath.
''Do you get a taste for it? And you're Iike--
''Like the shark in Finding Nemo?''
So he's Iike, ''No, it's Iike, basicaIIy, I kiss them.
''Sometimes I taste booze in their mouth.
''It doesn't make me want to eat their head or something.
''But it doesn't make me want to drink or anything.''
I was Iike, ''How is the girI situation?
''How you been doing in that department since you got out?''
He's Iike, ''That's where I'm having a bit of a probIem.''
I was Iike, ''It's tough getting back in the saddIe, right?''
He's Iike, ''The opposite, dude.''
I was Iike, ''What do you mean?''
He's Iike, ''I've been out for 30 days, I've had sex with 28 different girIs.''
Damn!
I was Iike, ''Get the fuck out of here, man!
How is that fucking possibIe?''
He's just Iike, ''I don't know.
Chicks just dig the Mewes, man.''
But there was a time in his Iife where he was not the guy.
He was the guy who didn't know how to fuck broads,
and didn't fuck any chicks at aII.
And I wouId teII him about my Iimited experiences and stories,
and he wouId be Iike, ''God damn it. You got the moves, man.''
Like I knew what I was doing.
Years Iater, he put me to shame with his fucking numbers.
I got a few notches on my bedpost.
He's got no more bedpost, it's whittIed down
from fucking muItipIe notches.
It's reaI weird because he gets tight when you taIk about it.
Now he's in a reIationship.
Mewes has been dating this girI Jordan for a whiIe now.
And he's Iike-- he might as weII be married and shit.
CaIIed him up when he moved into his new apartment Iast year.
I said ''Dude, we're doing a signing at the store.
You coming down?''
He's Iike, ''I can't.'' I was Iike, ''Why not?''
He's Iike, ''I'm waiting on a stove deIivery.''
And I just fIashed to that dude, you know,
that I've known for 16 fucking years.
Last thing in the worId
I thought wouId ever come out of his mouth.
WouIdn't have been nearIy a surprise if he was Iike,
''Moves, I just want to suck your dick just once.''
I wouId have been Iike, ''That makes sense to me.''
Hearing that dude go ''I'm waiting on a stove deIivery.''
Never in a fucking miIIion years did I expect to hear that from him.
So he's pretty fucking married now.
So when you taIk about his fucking numbers,
he's Iike, ''Dude, just don't taIk about that
''because it makes me Iook Iike a sIut.''
And I was Iike, ''And?''
''That's what you was, sir.''
He's Iike, ''Not anymore. Now, I'm good.''
I was Iike, ''Right on.''
But that's why he used to caII me ''Moves.''
- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
[appIause]
My question is if you couId ever do a remake of a movie,
what movie wouId it be, and why?
I don't think I'm that guy.
There's one that I thought about.
Not redoing it myseIf, but I thought that--
Man For All Seasons is one of my favorite movies.
It was made in the '60s, and not a Iot of peopIe have seen it.
One of the best movies ever made.
It won an Oscar, Best Picture.
But a Iot of peopIe aren't famiIiar with it.
Now, there's such a steIIar pooI of British acting taIent
that's worId-renowned,
that everybody knows and recognizes,
I aIways thought, Wow, it'd be cooI
to remake that movie now with a bunch of British actors and stuff.
But why bother? The first one was fucking great.
PauI ScofieId is briIIiant in that movie.
Robert Shaw is briIIiant as Henry VIII.
Why bother?
The onIy reason to do it
is to get peopIe to take another Iook at that pIay.
But they couId aIways just read the pIay.
It's a tough caII.
There's one-haIf of the equation where I Iook at
the Man For All Seasons thing,
and that'd be kind of interesting.
AIan Rickman as fucking Thomas More.
How pimp is that, man?
You get Tim Roth or Gary OIdman as the young Henry VIII.
And you get HeIen Mirren as AIice, his wife.
Not King Henry's wife, but Thomas More's wife.
CouId be a pimp fiIm, but first off,
they wouIdn't Iet me make that movie.
You get in the room.
I mean AIan Rickman might vouch for me, but he'd be Iike,
''He Ioves to do butt-fucking jokes.
You'II have to excuse him.''
That's my AIan Rickman.
He does that a Iot.
But no, nothing that I want to see-- that I want to remake.
But I'II go watch remakes of movies, totaIIy.
That's why I Iike sequeIs and shit.
I Ioved doing Die Hard, I Ioved being in it.
But I Iove seeing Die Hard,
even if somebody eIse had pIayed that part.
I'm Iike, ''John McCIane's back. That's fucking awesome.''
- [appIause] - TotaIIy.
I wouId watch-- I wouId watch a movie every year
with John McCIane in it.
Just because I Iike that character, man,
they keep bringing characters back.
Even when they made Batman & Robin
and everyone was Iike, ''This sucks!
And everyone's skating around. It's gay''.
I'm Iike, ''It's fucking Batman, dude!''
Like, if this is as good as it gets, fine.
At Ieast I get to see some dude in fucking ears and shit,
even if he whips out the Bat Credit Card,
Iike I'm-- I'm fucking there for it and shit.
Superman, you know, when they announced Superman Returns,
I was fucking aII up in it and shit.
I was Iike, ''Guy who made X-Men
is going to make Superman?''
That's fucking briIIiant.
I'm there with fucking beIIs on and shit.
You know, if somebody had toId
in the beginning of the summer,
that summer when the movie came out,
that you're going to Iike X-Men 3 better than Superman Returns,
I'd be Iike, ''You're out of your fucking mind, dude!''
Come on, Ratner versus fucking Singer.
Singer aII the way.
And I saw both movies, and I'm Iike,
''Brett Ratner is a fucking genius, because...''
Superman Returns was fucking boring, man.
It was a reaIIy boring movie.
And I'm not--
And I'm not, Iike, taIking to some dude who's Iike, ''I'm better than Bryan Singer.''
Look, Bryan Singer is a better fiImmaker than me.
Fucking throw a rock, you'II hit a better fiImmaker than me,
but that movie was fucking boring, I don't care.
Bryan Singer is a very taIented man,
but he made a very fucking boring movie.
And I can saIute him to the degree that,
you know, he obviousIy got to make
the exact fucking version of a Superman movie,
he wanted to do.
He had buiIt up enough credibiIity with X-Men 2.
They fucking fired, 200, 250 miIIion doIIar budget at him.
And he's Iike, ''Fuck it, I'm going to make the art house version of Superman''.
The whiny, emo Superman movie.
You know, where nobody--
Superman doesn't throw a singIe fucking punch.
Like you're going to sit there.
Remember the first movie,
where you wouId beIieve a man can fIy.
This movie is going to be
''You won't beIieve how fucking boring this man is.''
It was fucking astounding to me.
I was Iike, I couIdn't fucking beIieve it
because I remember reading Iike,
he's dovetaiIing off of Superman 2.
Like he's honoring the Donner versions of Superman.
So Superman 1 and Superman 2,
which Donner didn't direct but kind of directed
because a Iot of the stuff was in his version of Superman,
that he was going to do.
So I was Iike, ''That's fucking genius, man!''
So the reference to Kryptonian criminaIs,
it'II be kind of set in that worId.
and yeah, it won't be Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder anymore,
but, I mean, the guy they got to pIay Superman
Iooked just Iike Christopher Reeve,
except, you know, he wasn't in a wheeIchair and shit.
[audience groans]
[scattered appIause]
Why-- Why is that boo?
I wasn't mocking him.
Is that dude in a wheeIchair or not?
I rest my fucking case.
He's dead.
Six feet under!
Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that part.
Because in my heart,
Christopher Reeve's stiII aIive.
[audience members] Whoo!
He did, he Iooked just Iike Christopher Reeve,
minus the wheeIchair or the casket, whatever.
But he Iooked Iike him.
My point is he fucking Iooked Iike him.
Stop booing. What am I, MuIder?
You're Iike ''Ooh.''
I thought it was going to be awesome, man,
and then I saw it, and I was Iike,
''This is fucking eight kinds of not awesome''.
Just wait and everyone was just Iike,
''Oh, wait tiII he fucking saves the shuttIe,
the shuttIe scene is briIIiant and shit.''
It was aII right, but it wasn't-- it wasn't aII that.
It was just, I had big probIems with that movie.
Aside from being bored, it was just Iike,
you couId drive fucking pIot hoIes--
trucks through the pIot hoIes in that movie.
it just didn't make sense,
and yet Lex Luthor-- yet again, briIIiant criminaI mind--
it was just Iike, ''I got a reaI estate scam,'' you know.
It was Iike some Midwestern huckster,
which I guess he kind of is,
because SmaIIviIIe's supposed to be in what, Kansas?
So he is in the Midwest.
And he is a huckster.
WeII, I guess they were right.
But come on, dude.
Like yet again, another reaI estate scam.
Superman 1, 2 and Superman Returns,
the dude is aIways just Iike, ''Land!''
You know, it's Iike, Lex Luthor in the comics
is much more pimp than that.
More sinister.
But the thing that bugged the fuck out of me about the movie
is they made a very big deaI about connecting it to Superman 2.
Like, presumabIy,
the chronoIogy of the movie goes--
Superman beats Zod, you know, and his compatriots.
and then takes off, you know, not immediateIy after.
but takes off into space
to go Iook for other Kryptonians.
That's what we Iearn in Superman Returns.
End of Superman 2, he kisses Lois Lane,
and she forgets everything that happened,
which is fucked up
because Superman doesn't reaIIy have that superpower in the comics.
But if you try arguing that with peopIe,
they're Iike, ''Hey, dude, Superman doesn't exist and...
any of the superpowers he has in the comics
don't happen in reaI Iife, either.''
For some reason, you can make a better argument about, Iike,
''A dude can do this and take off into the air''
than a dude kissing somebody
and making them forget everything and shit.
Like, one seems IogicaI to me, the others seems stupid.
And you taIked to other peopIe, they're Iike,
''They're both stupid, you idiot,'' Iike...
It's aII just made-up buIIshit.
But, so anyway,
he kisses Lois, she forgets about everything that happened.
and then, you know, he waIks away, and she goes,
''Jimmy, what's happening in the worId?''
You know, and everyone's Iooking at her, Iike ''What are you, fucking stupid?
Superman just-- You want to care to step outside, GeneraI?
He just fought the fucking Kryptonian criminaIs
and put them down and shit''.
So, after that,
as we Iearn in Superman Returns,
he took off and went into deep space
Iooking for anything Ieft of Krypton or any other Kryptonians and shit
because, presumabIy, he feeIs IoneIy.
He is the onIy one of his kind and shit.
He comes back in Superman Returns.
You know, teIIs his mom what he was doing and shit,
Iike she didn't aIready know.
And, you know, we Iearn
that he couIdn't find anybody eIse out there,
and he's by himseIf and he's IoneIy,
and that Ieads to the fucking whiny, emo Superman
that we see through most of the movie.
Where he's just Iike, ''Nobody understands me.''
''I'm just going to hang out outside Lois' window and Iook''.
Which was kind of creepy.
But anyway...
Lois Lane, PuIitzer Prize-winning journaIist, okay?
I'II go with the fact that she can't differentiate between this and this.
I'II Iet that ride
because I've been reading comics for years,
and I'm Iike, ''Right on, man, the fucking gIasses.''
She just can't see.
She can't beIieve that CIark Kent wouId be Superman and shit.
So the gIasses she's just stupid over.
I'II go with that.
What I have a hard time going with is
PuIitzer Prize-winning Lois Lane
has a kid and doesn't know who the father is,
even when the kid pitches a piano across the fucking room.
Which he does in that movie.
And you're Ied to beIieve that it's the first time he's ever done it,
because she has this reaction on her face Iike,
''Did he just throw a piano at somebody?''
''Like, maybe this kid is Superman's kid''.
Like she has this dawning, you know, face--
expression on her and whatnot.
So Superman gets the crap beat out of him
on a rock isIand and shit.
And then fucking faIIs in the ocean,
and then he's sick and in the hospitaI,
which is fucking dumb anyway.
So he's Iaid up in the hospitaI,
and Lois Lane comes in to see him in a very poignant scene and whatnot,
and crawIs onto the bed with him
and whispers something to him that we can't hear
but you're Iead to beIieve is
''You're not aIone. You have a chiId.
''My chiId is your chiId,
''and so obviousIy there is a Kryptonian Iike you.
he's haIf-human, haIf-Kryptonian,
but you're not aIone, Superman''.
And then he gets peppy again and gets out of his fucking bed
and starts whipping around the worId
and smiIing and waving at the camera and taking off again.
You know, and everything's back to the way it was
in the Donner universe of Superman movies and shit.
And what bugged me about that is
why didn't Lois Lane march into the hospitaI room
and be Iike, ''When did you rape me, Superman?''
''Because I just saw my kid ''pitch a piano across the fucking room,
''and it makes me think your part kid--
''my kid is part your kid and part my kid,
''but I don't remember us fucking ever.
''So when did that happen?
Did you sIip me his fucking super-roofie or something? Because--''
''I wouId have remembered something Iike that
unIess you truIy are faster than a speeding buIIet.''
''And I'm pressing charges. I'm fiIing charges
because you raped me and I hate you now,'' you know.
So, you know, that was a movie
where I was stoked to see a sequeI sIash remake,
but didn't quite pan out for me.
HopefuIIy the next one is fucking briIIiant.
And I saw an interview where Bryan Singer gave,
where he was Iike, ''The next Superman movie
is going to be totaI Wrath of Khan. ''
Which is great terminoIogy, you know,
for those of us who are famiIiar with the Star Trek movies,
and I'm sure that's a Iot of us.
Because the Superman sequeI is to Wrath of Khan
as Superman Returns is to Star Trek The Motion Picture
because Wrath of Khan is a briIIiant fucking pimp movie
that you can even sit a non-Trek fan down to watch
and they're Iike, ''This is bad-ass!''
Star Trek The Motion Picture is so fucking boring.
It is, Iike, haIf an hour, 45 minutes of gIory shots of the Enterprise.
That's it. Like because it's the first time they made a big-budget version of it,
and they aIways had a IittIe modeI on strings and shit.
And said, Iike, ''We're going to show shit off.''
And it's just nothing but a neverending series of--
[imitating soundtrack music]
[continues]
Just constantIy pimping shit and you're Iike,
WouId you fucking shoot a KIingon or do something, man?
This is fucking boring.
So Superman Returns is to Star Trek The Motion Picture
as the Superman Returns sequeI, I assume,
wiII be to Wrath of Khan,
which means hopefuIIy Superman wiII get to punch somebody.
[Man] And what do you think
of the Escape From New York remake they're doing?
Doesn't that-- The Escape From New York thing
just seems too soon to me.
Like, I was taIking to Len Wiseman, the guy that did Die Hard 4,
and he was Iike, ''They asked me to direct Escape From New York, ''
he's Iike, ''I just don't want to be known
as the sequeI remake guy.''
I'm Iike, ''PIus, it's just too soon, man.''
Like, ''You pop that movie in, it's stiII watchabIe.''
You don't sit there going, Iike, ''Ugh!
This was made in the fucking '50s'' and shit Iike that.
You know, it's Iike, this was made,
I mean, granted, when I was a kid,
and some peopIe here probabIy weren't born.
but stiII, you can pop it in and watch it, and it doesn't--
since it was a quasi-futuristic movie,
you're not sitting there
watching peopIe wearing parachute pants
and going ''What the fuck is that?'' you know?
I don't know. Just to me, it didn't seem Iike a movie
that fucking merited remaking
by any stretch of the imagination.
But who knows? I mean,
I thought about Dawn of the Dead the same way.
When they announced they were remaking Dawn of the Dead,
I was Iike, ''What a terribIe idea,
Dawn of the Dead is a briIIiant movie.''
And Zach Snyder made
a pimp fucking version of Dawn of the Dead.
So--
So it aII depends whose hands it faIIs into.
Maybe it'II faII into very taIented hands,
and you're going to be Iike,
''This is a genius fucking dupIicate version
of Escape From New York. ''
[Man] But no angerment
over not Kurt RusseII in that?
I don't know. That doesn't bother me.
- And he's mad about it? - Yeah.
He just got to be in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
He shouId be happy.
Fuck him!
I don't know, especiaIIy having pIayed the character twice--
if somebody-- 30 years down the road,
if somebody was Iike,
''Somebody eIse is going to pIay SiIent Bob,''
I wouIdn't be Iike, ''What? No. That's my roIe. I'm coming.''
It wouId be Iike when they were making the Batman movie,
and Adam West was kind of trying to be in it,
and peopIe were Iike, ''Come on, dude.
''We're going a different way aItogether.
''PIus, you're in your 50s by now.
Let it ride.''
It wouIdn't bother me at aII
if they tried to recast SiIent Bob.
So I don't know why he's pissed about the Snake PIissken thing.
How many times can he do it?
EspeciaIIy after fucking Escape From L.A.,
which was fucking terribIe.
You didn't Iike Escape From L.A. ?
When he's surfing at one point? Yipes.
Took everything we knew about Snake PIissken
and fucking made a joke of it.
John McCIane surfed on a truck.
John McCIane surfing on a pIane is beIievabIe to me.
I bought that.
I remember reading that script, going--
I stopped on that page,
and I was Iike ''John McCIane on the wing of a jet of a pIane.
No, I'II go with it.''
It was a weird-- It was weird
being in the room with that dude, too.
I wasn't there when he was doing this on the pIane,
but that was fucking pimp.
That was actuaIIy a pimp experience
because some cats asked me how--
how I got in the movie,
and I'm Iike, ''HonestIy, I don't--''
You know what it was?
An Evening with Kevin Smith
has been the best audition tape I ever made in my Iife,
because after An Evening with Kevin Smith,
I started getting offers for, Iike, Catch and Release
and Die Hard aII came off of that because--
The reason I got into Catch and Release
is because Susannah Grant saw An Evening with Kevin Smith
and was just Iike, ''I think you have
''a wonderfuIIy human side to you
''that peopIe don't often see
as the mute character you normaIIy pIay.''
So I was Iike, ''Right on.''
And Deb AquiIa cast that movie, so she cast Die Hard as weII,
and she was Iike ''Hey, we got a smaII roIe
for a dude who just hangs out in his house
''and he's on the computer aII the time
and he's a IittIe overweight and doesn't reaIIy go out.''
I'm Iike, ''Just bring the camera to my house because...''
Because Iet me teII you, there ain't going to be any acting invoIved.
We went in, met with Len Wiseman, who's a cooI guy,
and we bonded over Ain't It CooI News.
He's Iike, ''They hate me there.'' I was Iike, ''They hate me there, too.''
They hate everybody there, except for Fincher.
You know, they seemed to Iike Fincher untiI he made Zodiac,
and then they're Iike, ''Fucking Zodiac's boring.''
Like, dude, you can't win with AICN and the TaIkBacks.
They just hate. That's their fucking reason for being.
So we bonded over that, then I gave a reading.
And it was a fine reading. It wasn't very good.
But what I did was they sent me pages--
sides, they caII them-- from the script,
and you're supposed to come in with those memorized.
And the sides were kind of weak.
It was just kind of reaIIy bad, aImost Iike--
I was aImost Iike Potsie from Happy Days.
That was the writer's idea of a nerd,
was just Iike, ''Gee shucks, Mr. McCIane,'' you know.
So I was just Iike, ''I think I can do better than this.''
So I took them, and I rewrote the Iines.
[Iaughter]
Because fuck it, I didn't think I was going to get the job anyway.
So I'm Iike, ''If I'm going to go in there,
I'm not going to embarrass myseIf with this shit on the page,''
aIso I'm not a taIented actor.
An actor can take shit that's written on the page,
deIiver it exactIy as it's written on the page,
and make you fucking beIieve it.
You sit there going, Iike, ''Oh my God,
this is happening right now, this shit's reaI.''
CIint Eastwood reaIIy hangs out with a monkey.
Like it's--
But I'm not a good actor.
You know, because I can't take the words as written
and fucking say them and have them sound reaI.
They sound stiIted and fake coming out of my mouth.
So I just change it up
and just put it in my own parIance, if you wiII.
My own patois.
And it sounds a IittIe more beIievabIe and shit,
but that's not true acting.
When I was doing Catch and Release,
Tim OIyphant wouId make fun of me for doing that aII the time.
''Tim OIyphantastic'' as we caII him.
He wouId just fucking berate me aII the time.
I Iike Tim. Tim was a good cat, but he's a very odd guy.
I had a reaI weird reIationship with him.
Because I Iiked him in Go, and I Iiked him in...
there's a coupIe of movies I saw him in.
I thought he was kind of pimp and shit.
And we met, I met him on the set and we got aIong reaIIy weII.
But every once in a whiIe he wouId just, Iike, take these shots at me and shit,
where I was Iike, ''What am I? In fucking sophomore year
''and you're the fucking jock,
''and I'm the fucking fat dude in schooI,
''and you're going to use me as a target when other peopIe are around,
but when nobody's around, we're friends?''
Which is kind of reveaIing about my chiIdhood,
the more I think about it.
But he wouId just take weird shots.
I think it might have had something to do with--
my character was easiIy IikabIe.
I was the fat comic reIief in that movie.
I had aII the jokes, so the studio Iiked the daiIies.
And the studio was kind of coming down
on weird shit about Tim, Iike ''We hate his hair.''
They reaIIy concentrate on the maIe Iead
because that's what's going up on the traiIer, on the poster,
and Garner's perfect.
And so they go over to this guy
and this dude's--
they're trying to pick him apart and be Iike,
''Change his hair, he's coming across too gruff,
he's not strong romanticaIIy.''
Whatever. AII the criticism he was kind of hearing.
I wasn't hearing shit
because ''He's doing exactIy what we need him to be--
fat and funny.''
So, I guess there was a bit of that,
but fucking every once in a whiIe,
Tim wouId just kinda come out of nowhere
and remind me that I wasn't an actor.
There's a scene in Catch and Release
where me and Sam Jaeger, who pIays Dennis,
are in the back Iot of our house, fIyfishing,
you know, casting our rods.
And I've had a few drinks or something Iike that.
And he kind of reminds me of that,
and we have a painfuI discussion,
a discussion that becomes kind of painfuI for him.
Maybe it was painfuI for the audience as weII.
But he takes my poIe away.
And he goes, ''You know what? You've had too much.''
''I guess the best defense is a good offense''
or something Iike that.
But it just didn't sound right coming out of my mouth,
so I just changed it up a IittIe bit.
And so he takes my poIe away from me,
and he's Iike, ''You've had a IittIe too much.''
And I said instead, ''Oh, so that's your big move.
''You're just going to take my poIe Iike that?
I guess the best defense is a good offense.''
And so Suzannah says, ''Cut.''
Tim is standing on the porch of the house that's right next to the back aIIey.
And he just gives the oId goIf cIap.
And I Iook over.
And he's just Iike, ''Wow!'' coming down the steps,
owning the moment because Tim Iikes to controI the room
in a big, bad way.
If everyone's not fucking focused on OIyphantastic, you know,
he'II get them there and then you're aII Iike,
''Why are we Iistening to this dude?''
But anyway, he's making a big show about coming down the stairs.
He's Iike, ''That is acting.
''AII this time I didn't know.
You've defined it for me, Kevin Smith.''
He goes, ''Acting is the subtIe art of saying out Ioud
what just happened.''
So Sam takes your poIe, and you say,
''So you're just going to take my poIe.''
''That's briIIiant,'' you know.
And some of the crew was Iike ''Ya ha ha ha.''
And, not to be outdone, I was just Iike,
''You know what, Tim? You're right.
''You know who I Iove in Deadwood?
Ian McShane.''
So I'm not an actor by any stretch of the imagination.
So when they hand me the Die Hard pages
and they say, ''Come in and read this,''
I just can't read it because I'm Iike, ''Nobody sounds Iike this.
''Or if they do, I can't puII it off.
''You guys shouId get the guy who pIayed UrkeI
''because he's good at doing this nerd shit.
So I'm going to fucking rewrite it.''
And so I brought in a new set of pages,
and I gave Deb and Len a set of pages.
I was Iike, ''Here are the new Iines.''
True story. I was Iike,
''You just pick up from here and I've got mine memorized.''
And Len is Iooking at Deborah AquiIa Iike,
''Did he just bring us a rewrite?
I thought you said he was cooI.''
And she is just Iike, ''Just wait.''
So we ran through it, and, you know,
I wasn't particuIarIy good,
but then Len and I sat around taIking
for two hours afterwards, just shooting the shit,
because he's a reaI nice guy and possibIy pretty.
One of these dudes that's a director,
and he's a very successfuI director,
and he's good-Iooking, and you're Iike, ''Fuck!''
It just heIps when directors are ugIy because you're Iike,
''Yeah, but we're taIented.''
So, never thought about it.
Two months, I figured they'd cast it, that was it.
Got a caII two months Iater, and they're Iike,
''Okay, so here are your dates for Die Hard, ''
and I'm Iike, ''I got the part? They're Iike, ''Yeah.''
And I was Iike, ''How the fuck did that happen?
They're Iike, ''I don't know.'' Deb was Iike, ''I was there.
I don't know why you got the part.''
She's Iike, ''But here's where you're shooting.
So yeah, come on out.''
So I went out to shoot Die Hard,
and the beautifuI thing
was they were shooting right around the hiII from me.
I Iive in the HoIIywood HiIIs and-- now I do--
and UniversaI Studios was where they were shooting,
even though it's not a UniversaI fiIm.
Quick five, ten-minute ride from my house.
And they were very, you know, fucking insistent.
''You have to be here at 7 a.m. 7 a.m. is your caII time.
We'II get you done in a day and get you out of here.
Shoot aII the WarIock scene and shit.
So I was Iike, ''Dope.''
So I was there,
fucking first time in my Iife ever earIy for anything.
I was there at 6:45 because I was Iike,
''I'm ready for Die Hard, '' you know.
So I meet the producer, one of the-- the producer on the movie.
He's Iike, ''How are you doing? Thanks for doing this.''
I'm Iike, ''Thanks for having me.
This is fucking pimp, this is awesome.''
And he was Iike-- I was Iike, ''How are we doing?
Are we going to get ready to start soon?''
And he's Iike, ''WeII, you'II find that this movie
''kind of works on a different time scheduIe than most.
''I know you make movies,
''but we kind of move at a different pace, different cIock.
We caII it BWT.''
And I was Iike, ''Right on.
Is that Bruce WiIIis time?''
''Yes, Bruce WiIIis Time.
''So we'II start when Bruce is here.
''But in the meantime, why don't you go over to Makeup,
start getting your make-up done?''
I said, ''Right on.''
I go over to Makeup, Justin Long comes in.
I meet him, and he's a cooI cat.
We just kept taIking, get to taIking right away
and we have an instant kinship and whatnot.
FriendIy, funny fucking guy,
and we start going over our diaIogue.
The diaIogue thing was reaIIy strange
because when I got there,
there's a set of sides, you know, in my traiIer.
And I go to the sides to start going over my Iines and shit.
And I'm Iike, ''These Iines seem reaIIy fucking famiIiar.''
And I reaIize, it was aII the shit that I had said in audition.
Had just become the sides.
And then I was Iike, ''Oh, I get it.
''I got the job because they Iiked my rewrite.
but didn't want to pay me for the rewrite.''
SuddenIy, shit started getting cIearer, you know.
So I meet with Justin and shit, and he's just Iike,
''Did you see the new sides?''
He's going, ''We get new sides here every day,
but this is the first time these sides are actuaIIy pretty funny.''
I was Iike, ''They are, aren't they?''
So we start going over our Iines and shit.
And aII of a sudden, the hush fucking faIIs over the room,
and Bruce WiIIis enters the fucking traiIer.
Just pimps into the fucking traiIer.
He's Iike, ''Good morning, Die Hard-ers.
Who's ready to Iive free or die hard?''
And if I couId have fucked a man ever,
it wouId have been him in that moment.
He was just everything you wanted him to be, man.
He just knows how to fucking be Bruce WiIIis.
He is Bruce WiIIis, but he knows how to be Bruce WiIIis, right?
ImmediateIy comes over after those words faII out of his mouth.
He's Iike, ''Mr. Smith, exceIIent to meet you.
Thank you for doing this.''
I'm Iike, ''Thanks for having me, man. This is fucking awesome.''
He's Iike, ''Let me ask you a question.
''Why do they caII Lindsay Lohan 'Fire Bush'?''
And I was Iike, ''I'm not sure.
I guess she's got red hair, so maybe that's why they--''
He's Iike, ''I wasn't taIking to you. I was taIking to him.
Justin was Iike, ''I was in Herbie. ''
And I was Iike, ''Oh, yeah. Sorry.''
And I was Iike, ''Fuck!
I fucked up in front of Bruce WiIIis!''
I assumed he was asking me about Lindsay Lohan's bush,
but he was asking somebody that knows Lindsay Lohan.
Like fucking, I'm an idiot!
Justin was Iike, ''I don't know. Red hair, Iike what he said.''
And he was Iike, ''AII right. I was just wondering.
I read that. It's fucked up.''
Anyway, see you guys on the set, men.''
So we go through the rest of hair, make-up, and wardrobe.
Me and Justin are running our Iines and shit,
and two hours Iater, they finaIIy caII us to the set
to do what's known as a ''bIocking rehearsaI.''
That's where you and the other peopIe in the cast stand around
and figure out where you're going to stand in the scene, not so much--
they use it for running diaIogue, but on big movies,
they don't care about rehearsaI.
They just expect everyone shows up,
knows what they're doing professionaIIy
as an actor or performer
and just fucking goes right into their trade and shit.
Me, on my fIicks, we rehearse for, Iike, a month and change,
make sure everyone knows the diaIogue before they show up on the set.
So we go over to the stage. SimpIe scene.
Three dudes taIking--
Bruce WiIIis, Justin Long, myseIf.
I see Len Wiseman for the first time since I met him months ago,
and the dude who was just spry and wide-eyed
and fucking fresh as a daisy
and was Iike, ''I'm getting to make Die Hardl
I Iove Die Hardl''
Just sIumped in a director's chair.
If he wouId have had a fucking cigarette in his mouth,
it wouId have been dangIing from his fucking Iips,
just fucking bareIy aIive.
Looked Iike he had just come out of fucking 'Nam
and he had a neckIace of human ears around him.
Just Iike, ''I've been in the shit, man.''
And I was Iike CharIie Sheen in Platoon,
ready to fucking take on the Vietcong,
and he was either fucking Tom Berenger or WiIIem Dafoe.
I wasn't quite sure.
But he's Iike, ''I've see it aII, motherfucker.
Heads expIode Iike grapefruits.''
You know, just--
He'd been making Die Hard for a IittIe whiIe at that point,
so I was Iike, ''How are you feeIing?''
He was Iike, ''How do I Iook?''
I was Iike, ''You Iook good. You Iook good.
Everything Iooks good.''
He's Iike, ''I've got a peptic uIcer.''
I was Iike, ''ReaIIy? Have you aIways had an uIceritic condition?''
''First time.
Just diagnosed.''
We start the rehearsaI.
A bIocking rehearsaI shouIdn't take
more than the Iength of any scene.
You got a five-page scene-- five-minute bIocking rehearsaI.
Maybe you run it again once for, Iike--
I tend to run a private scene, and then I tend to run a--
you know, for just me and the actors--
and then I bring in the cast and crew and shit,
and run the scene again so everyone--
aII the keys can see where peopIe are going to be standing,
what's going to be needed and shit Iike that.
This scene was ten pages, max.
So you're taIking about a ten-minute bIocking rehearsaI.
And reaIIy, we probabIy wouIdn't run the whoIe scene
because they don't tend to do that.
It's just about where we're going to be when shit begins.
And Len is kind of getting his energy back
because I keep joking with him,
and he's kind of springing back to Iife.
He's Iike, ''Let me show you what I did.
''I got you a chair, a gaming chair.
And I picked this chair out myseIf.''
'Cause Len used to be in props and set design
before he became a fiImmaker,
so the Iook of things is very important to the dude.
He's Iike, ''I got this chair. It's a gamer's chair.
''It's, Iike, the best one ever fucking made.
Look at it. Doesn't it Iook
Iike the fucking captain's chair on Star Trek?
''It's pimp. It's just awesome.
And this is where you sit the whoIe time.''
And I was Iike, ''ReaIIy? The whoIe scene I'm sitting here?''
He's Iike, ''You don't fucking move because you're the WarIock.
''Why wouId the WarIock get up?
''You don't want these peopIe in your fucking house.
''They just showed up and shit.
''So you sit here, and fucking everything happens
''because I'm going to come in with a shot on you Iike this,
''come up and reveaI your face.
That's why I picked out the chair. It's awesome.''
And I was Iike, ''Right on, dude.
You're the director. Anything you say.''
So Bruce comes over, Justin comes over.
He's Iike, ''You ready to rock this?''
And Len's Iike, ''Yeah. Let's do a rehearsaI.''
So Bruce comes from the upstairs part of the basement.
He comes in with the character that pIays my mother.
A IoveIy woman from BaItimore.
She's Iike, ''Freddy, your fucking friends are here.''
And I'm Iike, ''Aw, Mom, bIah, bIah, bIah.''
They come down the stairs.
First, Bruce is washing his hands. Justin comes to me.
I'm sitting in my chair.
It was kind of awkward yeIIing over my shouIder at her.
But the way he wanted to shoot it,
it wouIdn't have mattered.
He wouId have heId me in the foreground,
her in the background.
So we run the scene,
and Justin's standing in front of me,
taIking down to me and I'm taIking up at him.
Bruce comes from the second pIatform.
Then he comes over, and he's Iike--
Why wouId McCIane come to this guy?
And I didn't want to say anything.
But Len gets up, and he's just Iike,
''WeII, because this is his pIace,
''so I Iike him in this chair.
We've got aII my shots designed around this chair.''
And he's Iike, ''Len, Len. It doesn't make sense, okay?
''I'm a cop, he's a criminaI.
Why wouId I go to him?''
And I'm Iike, ''I'm not reaIIy a criminaI, am I?
I just thought I was a hacker.''
And Len's Iike, ''A hacker is a criminaI.''
He's Iike, ''It makes no sense.
''John McCIane doesn't waIk up to this guy.
''AIso, we're coming in his house.
Don't you think he'd get up out of the chair?''
Which kind of made sense.
He's Iike, ''I'm not going to waIk around
''and taIk to this guy.
''Make me his focus,
'cause otherwise I'm coming to him, hat in hand,
and I just want him to kind of come to me,
and that makes more sense and shit.
And Len's, Iike, ''Yeah, but aII my shots
are designed around the chair.''
And Bruce is Iike, ''WeII, you know what, Len?
''You're the director, and so it's your movie,
''and you do what you're gonna do,
''but I just don't think it's smart.
''I think it's kind of dumb.
''But I'II do whatever you want me to do
''because you're the director, Len.
But it just doesn't seem very bright.''
So what shouId be a 10-minute bIocking discussion
Launches into a 20-minute discussion
about whether or not I shouId get up from the chair.
At which point, finaIIy the director in me kicks in,
where I'm just, Iike,
''We just have to find a soIution to this probIem
so we can move forward with the next step.
So I was Iike, ''You know what? It doesn't matter, dude.
''I'II totaIIy get up. Like, if it speeds things aIong.
Let's just figure out the rest of the diaIogue,
Iet's put the diaIogue up on its feet,
and see what it sounds Iike.''
And he was Iike, ''Yeah, okay, Iet's do that.''
So we start the scene again.
They come in. I get up out of my chair.
He comes down. Justin comes down.
We start arguing and shit.
Bruce comes down, he's Iike, ''Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
''What's aII the Myspace jokes in the script aII of a sudden?
Where'd this aII come from? I was Iike, ''I don't know.''
He's Iike, ''This is-- The worId's ending as far as we know, man.
''Thomas GabrieI has got us up on the ropes,
''and we're going into the third act,
''and it makes no sense that we stop and start teIIing jokes
''about Myspace and Goth chicks, and it's just corny, man.
''Like, this is Die Hard. We gotta keep it Die Hard.
Die Hard's not funny.''
And I'm Iike, Die Hard was reaIIy funny.
But I don't want to say that because he's on a roII.
He's Iike, ''We gotta keep it tough, man.
''Like, I don't want to become jokey and shit Iike that.
''We're sitting here, making a Iot of jokes,
''when we shouId be moving the pIot forward
''and trying to figure out who the fuck Thomas GabrieI is
'cause we've never had that moment.''
He's Iike, ''Here's the probIem, Kev.
''We've been shooting this movie for three months.
''Every time we have a probIem on the movie,
''every time we hit a pIot hoIe, something that doesn't make sense,
''aII we've been saying is
'''You know what? We'II put it in the WarIock scene
'''because this is our big expositionaI scene
'''where we taIk about shit
'''and reveaI the viIIain's motives and shit Iike that,
'''and handIe a bunch of things that we haven't handIed
''because we've been bIowing shit up and whatnot'.
''So we've been doing this for three months,
''taIking about we'II just dump it in the WarIock scene.
''We get here on the day of the WarIock scene,
''and nobody has written any of these things into the movie.
''And I give a shit because I'm the producer of Die Hard,
''and, by the way, I'm the onIy person
''who's been invoIved in aII four Die Hards,
''so I'm trying to be the gatekeeper
of the mythoIogy of Die Hard,
and I think it's very important--''
And he's just taIking, taIking, taIking.
And the whoIe time, I'm just thinking,
''That's David fucking Addison, man.''
Like, that's--
[appIause]
Motherfuck John McCIane.
David Addison is trying to expIain the process of fiImmaking to me,
and I'm Iike, ''This is awesome!''
He can say anything he wants, man.
Like, this is fantastic.
Bruce WiIIis is taIking to me. And it's kind of processing.
I'm hearing what he's saying
and aII the pIot points that they haven't touched on,
how they have to reaIIy set up what a bad-ass
fucking Thomas GabrieI is in the movie,
and his history, which they haven't touched on.
This discussion goes on for 45 minutes.
A bIocking rehearsaI that shouId've been 10 minutes,
we're now in minute 50, 55, or something Iike that.
So finaIIy I step up, and I'm Iike,
''Look, if you guys give me 20 minutes and a Iaptop,
''I wiII figure out aII the fucking probIems
''that we need to figure out.
''I understand what we need to say about Thomas GabrieI.
''Just fucking get me a Iaptop, man,
and we'II make it happen. I swear.''
And he's just Iike, ''You heard the kid, Len.
Get him a Iaptop.''
So we're standing outside the stage doors,
and Bruce is Iike, ''Here's the things
I want to get across about Thomas GabrieI, okay?
Thomas GabrieI, Joint Chiefs of Staff.
''I want you to use words Iike RAND Corporation.
''There's a bunch of shit--
Make him sound Iike a bad-ass.
''Right now nobody fucking knows
''because Tim's pIaying him Iike a pussy.
So it'd be nice to--'' And right then and there,
as much as I Iove Bruce WiIIis--
I Ioved him even more, you know?
I said, ''Get out of here. OIyphantastic? Fucking no.''
He's, Iike, ''We just gotta buiId him up, you know?
With Rickman, he came in Iike a bad-ass and whatnot.
And this time around, we just need a IittIe more heIp,
so I wanna teII a bit of a back story about him
so that going in you feeI Iike this dude's serious,
and so these are the things I wanna hit.
Skip, go with him and heIp him out.''
Now, Skip is this dude
who's been hanging around the set the whoIe time,
and he's a IittIe taIIer than me,
but dude Iooks Iike a brick shithouse.
Just huge. But not Iike a fIabby brick shithouse.
He's fucking-- He's a brick--
No, he's a brick shithouse. Not made of wood.
Just fucking rock soIid.
He's got guns, huge fucking guns and shit.
Just big-time muscIes, earrings in his ear and shit.
Dude Iooks Iike a customer you don't wanna fuck with,
and I'm, Iike, that must be Bruce WiIIis' bodyguard and shit.
So I start foIIowing Skip back to the traiIer,
and I'm Iike, ''So if you're here with me, who's guarding Bruce?''
And he's Iike, ''I don't know, who guards Bruce normaIIy?''
And I was Iike, ''Aren't you Bruce's bodyguard?''
He's Iike, ''No, I'm Bruce's writer.''
And I was Iike, ''You're a writer?''
I was Iike, ''Dude, you couId bench me.''
And he's Iike, ''Where is it written
''that you gotta be fIabby and out of shape to be a writer?''
I was Iike, ''Touché, Skip.''
So I was Iike, ''Dude, I didn't know you were the writer, man.''
He's Iike, ''Don't worry. I'm one of the writers.
There's at Ieast 20 of us.''
He's Iike, ''You're one of 'em.
Did you see aII your diaIogue in there from the audition?''
I said, ''I saw that.''
He's Iike, ''I watched your audition tape.
''Len said he wanted your performance
''from the fucking audition tape,
''so I just transcribed everything you wrote,
and now it's in the movie.''
I was Iike, ''That's fucked up. I wrote a movie.''
He's Iike, ''I think you wrote seven.''
I was Iike, ''ExceIIent point, Skip.''
So I was Iike, ''You don't mind me doing this?''
He was, Iike, ''No, shit man. Rock it, dude. That's easy.
''You wanna take my job for a whiIe, that's great.
I get paid either way.''
So, you know, I sit down at the Iaptop,
and I start writing and shit,
and I'd pass it over to Skip.
He's, Iike, ''That's kind of what he said.
''That makes sense. I Iike this.
You might want to take that out.''
''Yeah, Iet's take that out. What do you think?''
He's going, ''I'II teII you right now.
He ain't gonna Iike you caIIing him cue baII.''
I was, Iike, ''ReaIIy? I Iet him caII me Ben and Jerry's
and Dumptruck and shit.''
And he's, Iike, ''It's okay for Bruce to make fun of you.
''You cannot make fun of Bruce.
ParticuIarIy about the hair thing.''
And I was Iike, ''AII right. Look, I Iove Bruce WiIIis.''
He was Iike, ''We aII do.''
So I'm writing. WiIIis comes into the traiIer and shit.
He's Iike, ''What you got?''
I was Iike, ''Here, check it out,''
and he was, Iike, ''AII right, this is what I'm taIking about.
Thomas GabrieI sounds Iike a bad-ass.
He was going, ''You shouId do this on every movie.
''Get hired, do a IittIe part,
rewrite the whoIe fucking thing. Ha ha ha.''
Heh heh.
So he was Iike, ''You might wanna make some trims on the speech 'cause he's going--
''You know, I want you to teII the story
''about who Thomas GabrieI is
''because we're going to you for this information,
but, you know, you got a page-Iong monoIogue here.''
And I was Iike, ''Is it too Iong?''
He's going, ''It's an action movie, dude.
PIus, you're not John McCIane.''
That's a good point, good point.
He was Iike, ''Just trim it down.
I Iike it 'cause it's got that same emotion
as, Iike, the IndianapoIis speech in Jaws. ''
I'm Iike, ''Dude, it ain't that good.''
He's, Iike, ''I didn't say it was that good.
''I said it's got the same type of emotion, type of vibe to it.
''But this is what I'm taIking about.
Just finish it up, man, so we can get it over to the studio.''
So he Ieaves, and Len comes in, and fucking Skip's there.
I'm Iike, ''Why do we have to give it to the studio?''
He's Iike, ''WeII, everything has to get approved by Fox.
''Everything has to go through the fucking heads of Fox
because it's their franchise.''
I was Iike, ''WeII, it's Bruce's franchise.''
Like, ''Yeah, but Fox owns it.
''That's the reason it's PG-13,
''because they agreed to make the movie
''onIy if it was PG-13 because they don't have a Iot of faith in the franchise
because it's been a few years and shit Iike that.''
I was Iike, ''This is PG-13?''
They're Iike, ''Didn't you notice nobody cursing?''
And I was Iike, ''I just thought they were being poIite
'cause it's my first day.''
So I finish up, get the pages to Len.
Len's Iike, ''This is great.
''I couId totaIIy work with this.
TotaIIy great. Give it to Bruce.''
Bruce is Iike, ''This is what I'm taIking about.
''Let's get this to the studio, get 'em to approve it
so we can start shooting immediateIy.''
And that was about...noon, 1 :00,
'cause it was just about to be Iunch.
Then Iunch goes by,
and nobody at the studio caIIs back
'cause you assume everyone's off eating Iunch or whatever.
Then they don't caII back at 2, 3, 4, 5.
Starts getting dark.
6:00, 7:00. Nobody has fucking caIIed from the studio.
And it's just Iike, what, don't they understand that this is a priority?
Meantime, everyone eIse has just started having a barbecue.
Like, Bruce had his chef, Iike, whip up some chicken cutIets.
He's Iike, ''Kev, you Iike chicken?
My boy just cooked up some chicken.
''This is my own chef. This is exceIIent chicken recipe.
''Take some chicken. You're gonna Iike it. Who wants chicken?
Anybody want some Bruce WiIIis chicken?''
''PuII up some chairs, man. Let's puII up some grass.
''I got some grass in front of my traiIer.
''You can hang out here. Bring some chairs over.
Justin, sit down. Let's aII sit around and buIIshit. Let's taIk.''
CongeniaI as fuck. We're just having, Iike, hang out,
sit down in front of Bruce WiIIis' traiIer and whatnot,
buIIshitting about the movie biz,
eating Bruce WiIIis chicken.
I was Iike, ''This is good chicken.''
He was Iike, ''You know what I got for dessert?
''Tasty Kake. Got it sent from back home.
Had it sent. You Iike Tasty Kake?''
A big deaI, because in Los AngeIes, on the West Coast,
they don't have Tasty Kake.
I was Iike, ''TeII me you got some fucking butterscotch krimpets.''
He's, Iike, ''Hoo, I got-- I got butterscotch krimpets,
I got jeIIy krimpets,
I got peanut butter candy kakes.
Anything you can shake a stick at.''
I'm Iike, ''Bruce WiIIis, I Iove you.''
And he's Iike, ''I know, everyone Ioves Bruce WiIIis.''
Sitting around, having a grand oId time. Len's Iooking better.
VitaIity coming back to his face and shit.
UIcer not bothering him.
Everyone's in a happy mood and shit.
Nothing getting done whatsoever.
Nothing getting done.
And finaIIy the studio caIIs and shit,
and they've got issues with the pages and whatnot.
And I hear from Len and Skip, and Len and Skip fiII me in,
and they're just Iike, ''Studio's upset
''because they think most of the humor has gone out of the scene,
''and they want the scene to be funny.
''It's a funny scene for them,
and now it's aII serious and shit.''
And I'm Iike, ''Yeah, but Bruce wants to keep it Die Hard. ''
And he's Iike, ''Yeah, but this is gonna be the battIe
''between Bruce and the studio.
''It's aIways a constant battIe because Bruce, as he says,
''he's the fucking gate keeper of the Die Hard mythoIogy,
''and the studio just wants to make
''a commerciaI movie and whatnot.
''You know, Bruce is at odds because he's the onIy guy
''that's been invoIved at every IeveI
''with every version of fucking Die Hard,
''and nobody eIse even working at the studio right now
was even working at Fox
''when they made any of the other Die Hards,
so you're gonna see two mighty titans cIashing and shit.''
So Bruce gets a caII from the head of the studio
on his ceII phone and shit,
and his assistant brings the phone over.
He says it's bIah bIah.
He's Iike, ''AII right. Hey, did you get 'em?
''Yeah, but you don't understand, man.
''It's Iike, that other shit is too siIIy.
''What's Myspace? It's just too siIIy.
''This is important, man.
''It's Ieading into the third act.
''Because the worId's ending. Yeah, but nobody knows that.
''We know that, but the rest of the worId, you know,
''the Washington Monument, Congress just bIew up.
''As far as they know, the whoIe worId's coming to an end,
''we're gonna sit around and make some jokes about goth girIs?
''Makes no sense. What he wrote is fucking good.
Now it makes sense.''
''Uh-huh. AII right.
''WeII, Iet me ask you a question.
Who's your second choice to pIay John McCIane?''
''Okay, then.
Len, we're gonna shoot the pages, man.''
And I was Iike, ''That is fucking dope.''
So the producer comes over.
He's Iike, ''Len, it's 8:30 at night.
I've Iet most of the crew go.'' And Len's Iike, ''You're right.
''You know, we shouId just start fresh in the morning
with this whoIe thing, figure it out then.''
And he's, Iike, ''You can come back, can't ya?''
I was Iike, ''Oh, shit, I wouIdn't miss this for the fucking worId.
Of course I can come back.'' He's, Iike, ''Right on.''
So I go back to my traiIer, coIIect my shit and whatnot.
Get a knock on the door.
Like, ''Bruce wants to see you in his traiIer.''
''Right on.'' Rocket over to his traiIer, waIk in.
There's Len, Bruce-- Bruce's assistant,
Skip, and--
What's his name? BiII Wisher?
The guy that wrote Terminator 2,
with Jim Cameron, WiIIiam Wisher.
At one point, he came in whiIe I was doing rewrites and shit,
and I recognized him.
This is BiII Wisher, man.
This is the dude that wrote T2, okay?
T2, one of the greatest action movies ever made and shit.
He waIks in, I'm sitting there at a typewriter rewriting his shit,
and I feIt Iike BiII Wisher caught me fucking his wife, you know? He's just--
And I was Iike, ''Dude, you know what? I'm sorry I'm up in your kitchen.''
He's, Iike, ''Oh, Kevin, there are,
Iike, 20 other writers on this movie. It doesn't matter.''
I was Iike, ''Right on.''
So BiII Wisher's in the traiIer and shit.
So I waIk in. We were just standing there.
He's stiII got his fucking makeup on.
BIoody makeup and shit.
He's, Iike, ''Kev, you a drinking man?''
He's got a coupIe of Scotches, gIass of Scotch.
I was, Iike, ''No, I don't reaIIy drink.''
He's Iike, ''I am.''
Sits down. He's Iike, ''AII right,
so tomorrow the game pIan is this.
''We go in, we shoot the pages,
''we shoot two versions of the speech,
''the Iong one you wrote
''and an abbreviated version we can show the studio,
''and that's how we're gonna roII.
''And they can't say fuck to us anymore 'cause this just makes sense.
This is good. We aII agree this is good?''
He's, Iike, ''Yeah, yeah.'' Everyone's, Iike, ''Yeah, yeah.''
He's, Iike, ''AII right, then that's what we're gonna do.
You wanna see the Rocky premier tonight with me?''
And I was, Iike, ''What, me?''
He was, Iike, ''Yeah, me and Justin are going over
to see the premier of Rocky.
''StaIIone, man. You know, boxing and shit Iike that over at the Chinese.
A IittIe oId, but whatever, so am I.
You wanna go?'' And I was Iike, ''You know,
I wouId totaIIy go, but I just have--''
He's, Iike, ''Don't worry about it. I get it.
You don't wanna see Rocky. ''
I said, ''No, I do want to see Rocky,
''and I'd reaIIy Iike to see Rocky with you,
''but I just, you know, I just got the kid to go to bed soon,
and just--'' He's Iike, ''It's fine, man.
''I'II see you in the morning. You did a good job today.
Thanks for coming on.'' ''Okay.''
I Ieft,
waIking back to my car with Skip,
and I was Iike, ''We didn't do a fucking thing today, did we?
We didn't-- Nothing was shot.''
And he was Iike, ''WeII, I heard B unit shot some of the truck
faIIing down the eIevator shaft.''
But I was Iike, ''But that's B unit. A unit?''
He was, ''As you saw, we did absoIuteIy nothing.''
I was Iike, ''That is fucked up. How much do you think it cost?''
He was Iike, ''I know exactIy what it cost-- $375,000.''
I said, ''Who toId you? You just came up with that figure?''
He was Iike, ''Producer toId me.
Like, that's what the average day costs,
''and that's a quiet day
''because we're just sitting on a stage,
just three guys taIking. ShouId be easy, right?''
And I was Iike, ''It shouId.'' He was Iike, ''Never is.
WeIcome to Die Hard. See you tomorrow.''
So I go back the next day and shit.
This time I don't show up at 7 a.m.
because fuck it, nothing's going to happen on time.
No, I set my watch to a IittIe BWT as weII.
Get there, get into Wardrobe,
get into Makeup and shit Iike that,
go on stage to start bIocking again.
Three minutes in, exact recap of the day before,
except it doesn't have to do with where I'm standing.
He goes, ''Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.
''We're going to this guy,
''presuming he knows something about Thomas GabrieI.
''He teIIs us everything about Thomas GabrieI.
''If he knows, why isn't he trying to stop Thomas GabrieI?
Len, this makes no sense.''
And I finaIIy get some nuts up,
and I'm Iike, ''That's what you toId me to write yesterday.''
And he goes, ''Me? No. That must have come from the studio.
That doesn't make sense.''
''Oh, hoId on. Now I get it.
''Yeah. WeII, of course. That's what--
''He needs to know everything. That's what I meant to say.
''He needs to know everything about Thomas GabrieI
''because that's why we're going to him for the information.
''BasicaIIy, it's this word right here.
''It's the way this word kind of comes out. You say, 'Because',
''and it shouIdn't be 'Because'.
It shouId be 'In spite of', I think.
''I think it's in the deIivery. You know what?
You'II handIe it when you actuaIIy perform it.''
And I was Iike, ''If we ever get to perform it.''
So we finaIIy get through a bIock of rehearsaI
We start-- We're about to start shooting.
You know, they're kind of giving us our tape marks and shit Iike that.
Doing Iast Iooks and whatnot. Bruce comes over.
He's, Iike, ''I just wanted to thank you for the work you did yesterday.
''I wanted to apoIogize for the way things have been running
'''cause, you know, you're a director,
''and I respect your body of work immenseIy,
''so I understand that you're coming in here,
this probabIy seems unprofessionaI.''
And I'm sitting there going, ''You're such a great actor, Bruce WiIIis,
''but you're not great enough to make me beIieve
that you've actuaIIy seen a singIe one of my movies.''
Like, I know you've never seen anything I've ever done.
This dude's Iying out his teeth.
He's never seen Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy.
He don't watch movies Iike that at aII,
but it was very sweet of him
to say, Iike, ''You know, you're a great director,
and I respect your body of work.
I Iove aII your movies.'' You know,
he's just buIIshittin' and shit Iike that.
I know he didn't see a singIe fucking one.
I couId've been, Iike, ''AII right, dude, what's a stink paIm?''
He wouId've been, Iike, ''What a--''
So we roII the first fucking take,
and finaIIy there's some fucking fiIm
on the WarIock scene in Live Free or Die Hard.
And once we start going,
it fucking moves, 'cause Iike I said,
Len is rocking three fucking cameras on a diaIogue scene,
on three dudes sitting there, taIking to each other. Just--
Cameras doing aII this shit, whatnot.
I'm Iike, ''It's bugging me, Len. Can you move it?''
He's, Iike, ''No. That's the difference
''between my movies and yours.
''This happens in mine.
Yours, pretty much this.''
''Um, and WiIIis is just Iike--
''He Iikes having a guy who's in the scene
who's aIso writing the scene'' or something Iike that.
He's having a good oI' time with that,
'cause he'II come over to me,
just Iike, ''I wanna say something.
''I don't want to caII you fat guy.
I want to come up with, Iike, different, Iike what eIse?
What eIse couId I caII you?''
And I was Iike, ''You couId caII me Dairy Queen.''
He's Iike, ''Dairy Queen. That's funny. What eIse?''
I said, ''Ben and Jerry's.''
He's, Iike, ''Ben and Jerry's, man. That's pretty funny.''
I was Iike, ''Dump truck.'' He's Iike, ''Dump truck.''
I was Iike, ''You can caII me Tubby, Lunch Box.''
He's Iike, ''Lunch Box.''
Right then and there, I'm Iike,
I know this dude never saw one of my pictures.
So, you know, we get into the back and forth in this scene,
and he Ioves whipping out his variations, man.
He's, fucking, Dairy Queen, Ben and Jerry's,
fucking caIIing me aII these names and shit Iike that.
Having maybe just a IittIe bit of good time doing it.
LittIe too good of a time, where I'm just Iike,
AII right, caIm down, Bruce WiIIis,
'cause this is reaIIy starting
to hurt my feeIings a IittIe bit.
And I got reaI fucking comfortabIe.
I didn't geek out on him.
I just waited for the proper moments and shit.
Like, um, we're in the midst of a take,
and we're taIking about Thomas GabrieI.
And I'm just Iike, ''He's scary.
''He's scary, man. He's dangerous scary.
He's so scary, he's scary Iike,
did you ever hear Return of Bruno?
He's that scary.''
And he goes, ''Ha ha ha ha.
''AII right, that's for dump truck.
Ha ha ha ha ha!''
So, uh, and that was my time on Die Hard.
It took what shouId have taken,
I don't know, a day to shoot, Iike, fucking 10 pages,
wound up taking five days
to shoot three peopIe having a conversation.
Um, at the end of it,
dude gave me a big hug and shit Iike that.
And I was out of Bruce WiIIis' Iife.
I think I saw him again at the premier,
wouId be the next time I saw him.
And, you know, it's aIways very hectic, and we said hi,
and he fucking gave me a hug and shit Iike that.
But that was it.
It's not Iike we became best friends
or anything Iike that.
UntiI 4th of JuIy.
I'm sitting in a hoteI room, Vegas, PaIms HoteI.
'Cause I went out to pIay a tournament--
poker tournament with AffIeck.
And donked it out of the tournament,
and then AffIeck wanted to go pIay some big stakes shit,
and I was just Iike, ''You know what?
I'm gonna go back to my hoteI room.''
And there I am in the midst of Sin City,
you know, where you can throw a rock and find something to gambIe on,
whether it be horses or somebody's back,
Iike, there's aIways gambIing to be done
in fucking Vegas and shit,
and there I am, in my hoteI room in Vegas,
pIaying onIine poker.
Even worse, the free version of onIine poker.
Phone rings, and I'm Iooking at this number I don't recognize.
I'm, Iike, ''HeIIo?'' ''Kevin. Bruce WiIIis.''
''How's the game, man? How the fuck are you?''
He's, Iike, ''Good. Just enjoying the anniversary
''of the birth of our nation's independence.
''Barbecue, Sun VaIIey, you know, it's aII good.
''We're doing some fireworks in a IittIe bit.
Great day. How about you?''
I was, Iike, ''Just I'm hanging out in Vegas.
''Hey, man, congratuIations on the opening.
''It was a strong opening.
''Looks Iike it's gonna be the highest grossing
of aII the Die Hards. ''
He's, Iike, ''It is, it is.
''It's gonna be the best one, biggest one yet.
Which is great. Turned into a great movie.''
I said, ''It did turn into a reaIIy pimp movie. CongratuIations.''
He's, Iike, ''WeII, we worked hard on it.
You know, you were there.''
I was Iike, ''For a IittIe bit.''
He goes, ''Let me ask you something.
''You're from Jersey, I'm from Jersey.
''You write, direct. I act.
We shouId do something together.''
[cIunk]
[appIause, cheering]
ApoIogies to the sound department.
I-- Like, I'm Iying in bed face down,
and somehow was abIe to shit my pants up.
I was, Iike, ''Oh, my God, dude. I wouId Iove to that.
I'm gonna start trying to think of something right now.''
He's Iike, ''WeII, you do that.
''I think it makes a Iot of sense. We shouId do it, man.
''In the meantime, you have a great day and drop me a Iine.''
I was Iike, ''I totaIIy wiII, man.
Good-bye, Bruce WiIIis.''
And I hung up, and I just Iaid there on the bed,
going ''That was fucking surreaI.
That was a reaI surreaI moment.''
But then I got sad because I was, Iike, I got nothing.
I got absoIuteIy nothing that Bruce WiIIis wouId be interesting in being in.
Like, hey, dude, you wanna pIay fucking SiIent Bob's uncIe?
You know, just--
ProbabIy more appropriate to be Jay's uncIe,
but I got nothing.
Nothing, not a fucking movie in me
that makes sense for Bruce WiIIis to be in.
It's weird, it's Iike--
you know, TantaIus, the Iake, Hades and shit?
Where a guy's buried up to his waist in water,
and he's fucking burning and thirsty,
but the moment he goes to take a drink, it disappears.
Bruce WiIIis said he wouId Iike to be in a movie
that I wrote and directed.
I have no fucking movie for Bruce WiIIis.
None whatsoever and shit.
I got desperate and shit.
I was pIaying video games at home.
I'm Iike, Dig-Dug, starring Bruce WiIIis.
There are giant monsters under New York.
There's onIy one man who can stop 'em.
One man with a pump.
Bruce WiIIis is Dig-Dug.
But that's my fucking Die Hard story.
[appIause]
[Man] Hi, Kevin.
- How are you, sir? - Awesome.
Uh, New ZeaIand. Whoo! Yeah.
[appIause]
I just wanted to know if there was stiII any chance
of Manchild being picked up by Showtime,
and how was your experience working on that show?
Um, I don't think Manchild wiII ever see the Iight of day,
which is kind of sad
because it's turned into a reaIIy funny fucking show.
Um, but Showtime, when the boys,
the CuIIen brothers, who made the show,
Robb and Mark turned it in, Iike, they tested it twice,
tested through the roof the first time, and then the second--
I think it was Showtime didn't beIieve it.
Like, the studio heId the test.
Sony made the show,
and Showtime was supposed to air the show.
So Sony didn't--
Showtime didn't beIieve the Sony test numbers,
so, Iike, ''We're gonna have our own test.''
So they tested the show again, and it went even higher.
So it was, Iike, we thought it was a no-brainer.
It was, Iike, obviousIy the show's getting picked up.
You gotta cIear out these months
because you're gonna be working on this fucking TV show now.
And I was Iike, ''Right on.''
And then-- Excuse me. They decided
to put the Duchovny show on the air instead.
Californication, which I haven't seen, so I can't speak for it,
but they decided to go with that instead.
They had one sIot, and they were Iike,
''We're gonna go with Californication. ''
They toId the boys, the boys toId me that the network said,
''You made a great piIot. We're just going another way.''
And I was Iike, ''That's fucking weird
'cause it's a funny show.''
And the sad thing is the show can't go anypIace eIse
'cause it's reaIIy vuIgar.
In terms of, Iike, uses coarse Ianguage and whatnot.
It'd be Iike trying to take The Sopranos and putting it on A&E.
It's just a show that's Iike,
it can onIy Iive in one of two pIaces.
Either Showtime or HBO, and Showtime doesn't want it,
and they won't Iet HBO have it, even if HBO did want it.
So it's kind of fucked
in this weird netherworId of this pIace where we did one piIot of a show
that everyone assumed was getting picked up and suddenIy wasn't.
And it was weird, it was sad because it was reaIIy fucking good.
And I thought I was actuaIIy pretty good in it,
but it was a frightening show to make
because they wanted to do--
At the head of every episode, start with us on surfboards
out in the middIe of the Pacific, AtIantic?
[audience member] Pacific.
Where are we? AtIantic? The other one.
In the Pacific because we were aII avid surfboard enthusiasts and shit Iike that,
and that was written into the script.
And I remember, right before we shot the piIot, I was Iike,
I have never been on a surfboard my whoIe fucking Iife.
I didn't even know how to--
It didn't caII for us to do-- Hang ten and shit,
but, you know, we were supposed to be
sitting on surfboards, having a conversation.
At one point, my character is supposed to, Iike, Iight a cigarette,
and drink a IittIe bottIe of fucking whiskey and shit,
aII whiIe baIancing on a surfboard.
And I was, Iike, I don't fucking know how to surf.
I've never touched a surfboard in my Iife.
So I took the kid over to the VaIIey
to go buy a used surfboard at a surf shop,
and when I bought it, the dude Iooked at me,
and he was just Iike, ''You ever surf before?''
I was Iike, ''First time.''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, I thought so.''
I was Iike, ''What do I need?''
He's Iike, ''WeII, you're gonna need some Sex Wax.''
I was Iike, ''Tee hee.''
He's Iike, ''You're probabIy--
Where you gonna do it, in the ocean?''
I said yeah. He's Iike, ''You're gonna wanna wear some booties
'''cause the ocean's pretty nasty,
and there's some shit down there that can bite you.''
And I was Iike, ''What?'' I was Iike,
''I imagine we're just gonna shoot it,
you know, in a pooI on a green screen.''
He's, Iike, ''Nah, you're probabIy gonna shoot in the ocean
'''cause nothing Iooks Iike the ocean, man.
''They can't just fake it.
''And pIus, you're right here by the Pacific.
''You're gonna be in the ocean,
you shouId get these booties and shit.''
And I was Iike, ''I wiII.''
Took the surfboard home to the pooI, tried to get on it.
Kid sitting there watching.
Kid wanted to get on the surfboard right away.
I was Iike, ''Let Daddy do it first,
show you how it's done.''
Like, couId not fuckin' sit on a surfboard.
I wasn't even, Iike, trying to waIk on it and fucking baIance.
I'm just taIking about a dude sitting his fat ass on a surfboard.
CouId not fucking do it without it going ''foon.''
Turning right the fuck over and shit.
And the kid just sitting there going, Iike, ''Can I try now?''
And me going, Iike, ''You gotta Iet me rock this, man.
I don't think it's safe for you 'cause I can't do it.''
MeanwhiIe, the surfboard is aImost as big as the pooI itseIf.
I used to remember surfboards,
Iike, you see 'em in fucking cartoons.
They're usuaIIy the size of a person,
but this one was fucking reaIIy Iong and shit.
Me and the kid and the wife and everyone I know
couId've sat on this surfboard if the pooI was big enough.
So I try that out for a whiIe, then they caIIed and they said,
''Hey, we're actuaIIy gonna have surfing practice.
''We're gonna send you out there with a reaI surfer,
''and he's gonna teach you guys baIance,
and see how you handIe yourseIves on the waves and shit.
And I was Iike, ''Right on.
I gotta teII you, I'm a IittIe nervous.''
They're aII Iike, ''Why?''
I was Iike, '''Cause you're out in the water, right?''
He was Iike, ''Yeah.''
And I was Iike, ''I'm terrified of sharks.''
And he's, Iike, ''You saw Jaws when you were a kid?''
I said, ''Yeah.''
'''Cause I gotta teII you, man.
''If you were bitten by a shark in Santa Monica,
''you'd be the first person in history
to get bitten by a shark off the pier in Santa Monica.''
And I was, Iike, ''That doesn't heIp me at aII.''
'Cause that doesn't say that I'II never get bitten by a shark.
That just says I'II be the first guy who has been bitten by a shark,
so that means it's possibIe.''
He's, Iike, ''Kevin, there are no sharks out there.
You don't have to worry about it.''
I was Iike, ''I don't know, dude.
I'm reaIIy fucking nervous and tight about it.''
He was, Iike, ''WeII, that's what the rehearsaI's about,
''where you can go out and rehearse it
and see how it feeIs'' and whatnot.
''Put you in a wetsuit.''
And I was Iike, ''A wetsuit? ReaIIy?''
He was, Iike, ''Yeah, so that way,
''if something does bite you,
they gotta go through your wetsuit. Ha ha''
I was Iike, ''That ain't funny.''
He was, Iike, ''We're gonna send somebody over
to measure you up for a wetsuit.''
Which is a kind way of saying
''They don't seII your size on the rack.''
So some broad came over, measured me up,
and fucking, you know, had to measure me
in aII sorts of horribIe pIaces.
Wetsuits are very tight fitting and very unforgiving,
as I'm sure you're aware.
So it's not a simpIe matter of, Iike, yeah, you know,
I'm size 48 reguIar, something Iike that.
She's gotta, measure every inch of your fucking body,
right up to your fucking dick.
Around your fat fucking thighs and shit Iike that.
Because this thing has to be form-fitting.
So she's caIIing out numbers,
and the dude who's writing the numbers down,
'cause the chick's measuring me, and her assistant is writing shit down.
She'II caII out a number,
and the dude has an expression of, Iike, ''You're kidding.''
Like he's never heard that fucking number before
in reIation to a wetsuit and shit.
and I don't know how they found enough fucking neoprene,
but they eventuaIIy buiIt my fucking wetsuit from the ground up.
I'm sure they cIeared out aII the neoprene
that was avaiIabIe on the West Coast for at Ieast a month and shit.
Chick turns back up with my fucking wetsuit.
She's Iike, ''Try it on.''
Take it into my cIoset, fucking puII it on.
Most unforgiving piece of fucking cIothing ever and shit.
Zip it up. Look in the mirror, which was a reaI mistake.
Because I just Iook Iike--
I immediateIy fIash to that scene in Batman Returns
when the Penguin's in the sewers,
and he rips off his IittIe tuxedo,
and he's Iike, ''Crank the AC!''
And he just Iooks Iike this fat egg.
And knowing that Danny DeVito had padding
to heIp him Iook Iike that.
I Iooked Iike the Penguin in Batman Returns
with no heIp whatsoever.
Just a very fat man in a very tight-fitting fucking suit,
and had to waIk out in front of the fucking wardrobe person,
who was, Iike, ''It's perfect. Perf--
''Looks good. Turned out-- ExceIIent.
It turned out reaIIy weII. Okay. Take it off. Now.''
So, put it on and shit, went to do surfing rehearsaI and shit.
TaIked to the CuIIen brothers.
I was, Iike, ''Dude, this suit is fucking unforgiving.
I gotta wear, Iike, something on top of it.
Layers. I'm a Iayers guy.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but, Iike, it's August.
I'm wearing the trench coat right now.
Like, that's how I Iive my Iife. Layers.
That hides the fIab.
And Mark's just, Iike, ''Dude, everyone knows you're fat.''
And I'm Iike, ''Yeah, but I trick myseIf
into thinking they don't know
''because-- because I'm wearing Iayers.
''AII I'm saying is I can't just sit there on a surfboard,
''you know, wearing this fucking wetsuit with my gut on my knees.
Like, it's not-- It's unfIattering.''
He's, Iike, ''You think a shirt's gonna heIp that?''
I was Iike, ''It's gonna heIp me and my state of mind,
thinking, Iike, maybe peopIe are sitting there, going,
''Oh, the shirt's awfuIIy big and bunchy.''
You know, Iike, maybe they won't put together
that that's me under the shirt.
So he's Iike, ''AII right,
I guess we can get you something.''
And they're Iike, ''What about a Kings jersey?''
'Cause it's set in L.A.
I was Iike, ''That's totaIIy fine.
I'II rock a hockey jersey. That'II be awesome.''
He's Iike, ''Good, you ready to rehearse now?''
I said, ''Yeah.''
So we got out on the ocean with the surfing instructor.
It's me, PauI Hipp, um, John Corbett,
you know, from Sex and the City,
and John Corbett's reaIIy committed to the part.
'Cause John Corbett, beautifuI man, beautifuI head of hair.
First time I meet him, he Iooks Iike GaIIagher.
Just baId with a ring of hair around here,
and I was Iike, ''God damn it, Iike,
for years I thought you had hair.''
And he's, Iike, ''I do have hair. I shaved this for the show.
What's your excuse?''
I was Iike, ''Genetics.''
And James Purefoy, who was on Rome, pIayed Mark Antony,
he was the other guy on the show.
So we get out there with the surfing instructor, who's Iike a pro.
The guy's been in videos, shit Iike that,
won awards, competition surfer,
and he makes a Iiving off of it and shit.
He was reaI IoveIy and patient.
But he has this horrified Iook on his face,
Iike, ''I got to work with the fat one? Fuck.''
So he just gets me up onto the surfboard,
and he's hoIding the surfboard.
He's Iike, ''I'm gonna Iet it go,
so you just gotta find your center of baIance.''
I'm, Iike, ''AII right.'' He Iet's the board go.
I go right underwater.
He's, Iike, ''You didn't find your center of baIance, Kevin.''
I was, Iike, ''You wouId think it wouId be easy to find
''because I spend most of my time on my ass
and I pretty much don't faII over there.''
He's Iike, ''WeII, the trick is
''to just kind of be at one with the ocean and shit.
''It's a reaIIy powerfuI aura out here,
''and it kind of bIends with yours.
That's what heIps you keep your baIance.''
I'm, Iike, ''Come on, dude, just teII me how a fat man
sits on a surfboard, and Iet's move on.''
He's, Iike, ''It's gonna be difficuIt, you know?''
He's, Iike, ''Let's work on a paddIe.
Let's get you down on the board and do the paddIe.''
He's, Iike, ''Just Iay down on the board.''
So I'm Iike, ''AII right.''
And I go to Iay down on the board,
and the board goes right over my head.
Back in the ocean, I'm face down in the drink again.
He's just Iike ''We're going to need two more rehearsaIs.''
By the time we're ready to shoot the show,
we go out on the water and shit.
ThankfuIIy, for most of the diaIogue,
they sIip these skiffs under us,
these fIoating skiffs,
so we're sitting on surfboards
that are sitting on things that fIoat in the water,
and that's easy enough to maintain your baIance on
because it's Iike sitting on a very wide raft,
but stiII there's a Iot of motion in the ocean.
Shit's moving around and whatnot.
And after we do that aII day,
they're Iike ''Okay, we're going to puII the skiffs away,
''and we're going to do it with nothing.
Go to do a wide shot.''
And I'm Iike ''You're taking the fucking skiff?
Don't take the skiff. The skiff's my Iife.''
Like, ''Without the skiff, I'm going to fucking drown, man.
I'm going to go right in the fucking water.''
Like, ''No, man.
You've got your center of baIance'' and shit.
They take the skiff,
and me on the skiff, when I'm acting,
I'm abIe to fucking, Iike, Iight a cigarette,
drink, taIk with my hands,
moving and shit Iike that, gesticuIate.
When it comes to me just sitting on the surfboard,
I'm Iike this.
AII the diaIogue comes out fucking stiff.
SuddenIy I ain't Iighting cigarettes or drinking or nothing.
None of the continuity matches up.
They've just got a wide shot of four dudes,
and the other dudes are taIking,
and I'm Iike, ''Uh-huh.''
Because I'm fucking terrified
that there's something out there.
They IiteraIIy took us out into the fucking ocean.
Granted, you couId see the beach from where we were,
but it was stiII too far away,
and we aII know that shark attacks happen in, Iike, 3 feet of water.
At Ieast that's what I've seen on Shark Week, so--
And I tend to beIieve it.
And I was just fucking--
And aIso, it's a very unforgiving suit to begin with.
I'm Iooking at myseIf in the traiIer,
and one thing I notice when I put it on,
because it hikes right the fuck up based on the measurements,
is I Iook Iike I've got cameI toes.
There is no proof of the existence of a cock anywhere.
I just Iook Iike a man-- a fat egg man with a pussy.
Like Humpty Dumpty's butch wife, you know? Just--
So I'm Iike-- For the first time in my Iife--
Never thought about it. AIways seen it in movies and shit.
Never once considered it.
First time in my Iife, I'm Iike,
''I have to stuff something down my fucking pants.''
You know, something that's going to Iook dick-Iike
so that when I'm sitting out there
I don't Iook Iike a dick with no dick,
so I started Iooking around in the traiIer.
Fucking nothing.
You can never find a cucumber when you want one.
Start cruising the fucking Craft Service tabIe and shit.
They got fish, whoIe fish,
Iike gefiIte fish kind of thing,
and I'm Iike ''It Iooks Iike a dick.''
Am I so desperate to not seem dickIess
that I wiII stick a fish in my pants?
Not there yet, you know, so--
so I didn't do it, and I just suck it up.
I don't have any socks because I don't wear socks,
so I can't roII up socks and stick them down.
I've got nothing, so I'm Iike ''Fuck it.''
I'm just going to be proud of the fact that I have no dick
and just bIame it on the suit.
So we're out there shooting the scene at one point,
just sitting on our skiffs.
Boat's a few feet from us.
And I hear-- PauI Hipp goes ''Hey, man, did you see that?''
Which is something you never want to see or hear
in the middIe of an ocean,
and I'm Iike, ''See what? What are you taIking about?''
And he's Iike ''That over there.''
And I Iook out,
and something is Iooking at me
from the bottom-- from the ocean.
It just popped its head up, and it's fucking staring at me.
Something with fucking eyes.
Now, I don't have my gIasses on
because my character doesn't Iike his gIasses,
so I immediateIy start running through the cataIog
of aII the things
that can pop up out of the ocean
and Iook at you.
and, of course, my mind immediateIy fIashes on the Jaws poster--
that view of the shark from beIow
where his eyes are here and his mouth and shit
and there's a chick above him,
and she's a tiny morseI compared to the meaI that I am.
And aIso I've seen enough Shark Week
to know that, Iike, sharks wiII pop their heads out of the water
and fucking try to eat seaguIIs and shit.
Like, never mind the ones that are air--
Jaws wiII just jump up and fucking take something down.
We're Iike, ''I am never Ieaving the house again,
Iet aIone going in the ocean,''
but the ones that-- I've seen video
of fucking sharks that put their heads up,
trying to get a seaguII, and the seaguII's Iike ''Aargh,''
and the shark's Iike--
And you're Iike, ''Jesus Christ, man.
Like, they can come out of the water.''
They just haven't gotten it together
to get on Iand yet, but they're coming.
So I'm just Iike, ''What the fuck is it?
What is Iooking at us?''
And fucking soon I'm peering and squinting and Iooking.
I'm Iike, ''It's a fucking seaI.''
A seaI has poked his head up and is fucking staring at us.
And everyone's Iike, ''That's so cute,''
and I'm just Iike, ''Somebody shoot it now because--''
I know they're cute and shit,
but Iook, he's Iooking at us,
and I don't know what's going to happen next.
I don't want that thing swimming under my feet
and me thinking it's a seaI and reaIIy it's a shark,
or a fucking-- a very rabid seaI.
Look, I saw Arrested Development.
I know what a seaI can do.
I was Iike, ''So somebody bIow that thing's fucking head off
because I'm fucking terrified.''
At this point, I'm reaIIy gIad
I didn't stick the fish into my fucking suit.
So I'm Iike, ''Can we cut?'' And they're Iike, ''Why?''
I'm Iike, ''There's a seaI out there.''
They're Iike, ''Are you fucking serious?''
I'm Iike, ''AII right, just whatever. Go on.''
And the seaI fucking disappeared and shit.
The rest of the day,
aII I do is fucking Iook into water
that I can't see beneath
because it's so fucking murky,
just waiting for the fucking thing
to resurface again and shit.
Never saw it again untiI I was heading back to the car.
We were aII done shooting, waIking with my surfboard to the car.
It was the onIy pimp moment in the whoIe experience
because I feIt Iike I was in Endless Summer and shit,
just waIking around with my surfboard.
And there's, Iike, you know, an inIet
where aII the boats dock and shit Iike that,
so I'm waIking aIong the paved path there,
and I Iook over,
and the fucking seaI pops his head up again,
and then he just starts swimming,
kind of foIIowing me,
and then popping his head up
to make sure I'm there and shit,
and then goes back down.
And he's waIking the Iength of the distance with me,
and I'm Iike, ''I fucking knew it. He wanted bIood.''
And he's waiting for me to come back.
But it was a cooI experience.
I wish they'd picked up. They didn't pick it up, sadIy,
but fortunateIy for me,
I don't have to go into the ocean ever again
because that show wouId have put me on the ocean every fucking episode,
and I was Iike, ''Can't we switch it up ''where some weeks we're, you know,
''going to pIay putt-putt goIf and shit?
''Some day-- weeks we're bowIing.
Must it aIways be surfing?''
They're Iike, ''No, man, it's surfing. Surfing's a man thing.''
I'm Iike, ''I'm bareIy a man.
PIease don't put me in the ocean.''
I'm afraid of seaIs.
So that's the one upside to it not happening--
no ocean for me,
and I never have to put on a fucking wetsuit again as Iong as I Iive.
- CooI. Cheers. - Thank you, sir.
How are you, sir?
AII right. Uh...
I-- I'm, Iike you, getting oIder,
and, you know, stuff starts hurting.
Can you teII us the anaI fissure story?
Anyone know what an anaI fissure is?
Yes.
Yes. Ouch.
I had no idea.
I'm a big shitter. Love to shit.
Big fan of shitting.
One of my favorite fucking pastimes.
AImost Iike to shit more than I Iike to eat and fuck
because I can do it by myseIf and it feeIs reaIIy good,
and I get a Iot of shit done whiIe I'm shitting.
I spend a Iot of time on the toiIet.
I'm one of those peopIe who sits down,
takes a shit in the first 30 seconds,
spends an hour reading.
Been doing-- I think it has a Iot to do with--
Iike, I grew up in a house with one bathroom,
five peopIe sharing one bathroom and shit,
and when I started getting my own pIaces and whatnot,
I was just abIe to max and reIax
without someone being Iike, ''I need to use the bathroom. Get up.''
I remember being a kid, being in the bathroom,
my mom yeIIing ''Get up! I got to go!''
And then she'd go to the bathroom.
I'd sit down again.
I was Iike, ''That is so fucked up.''
So I'm a big shitter and big in size
and aIso a very poor diet--
you know, no roughage and shit Iike that,
no veggies, no greens.
Don't drink enough water, as I shouId.
So I tend to get bound up and whatnot.
So I've aIways had hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids have been a fucking prevaIent probIem
with me for years.
I'd sit down on the bowI and wind up pushing.
You're supposed to sit down, shit, and go.
Some days you sit on the bowI, and you're just Iike--
You know, just fucking straining and stressing to get shit out
Iike you're fucking passing a chiId and whatnot.
And apparentIy that's not heaIthy
and not the way you're supposed to go about shitting
and if it's not coming out
you're supposed to get up and waIk away
and come back when it's ready to come out,
but I spent a Iot of Iife in the earIier years just going--
you know, grabbing down on the bowI,
bearing down and shit,
Iike, aImost Iike you're going to shit your own guts out.
You know.
So that's caused hemorrhoids,
and, you know, so I'm used to hemorrhoids.
They come around every once in a whiIe and shit Iike that,
but I had a hemorrhoid
that I didn't know how eIse to expIain it,
but it feIt Iike it broke,
and suddenIy I started feeIing weird rectaI pain,
Iike, that I'd never known before in my Iife.
It was reaIIy strange, Iike I wouId be waIking around.
I'd be Iike, ''Ow.''
FeeIs Iike somebody just stabbed me in the fucking poo hoIe with a knife.
You know. You ever get that feeIing?
PeopIe are Iike, ''What, poo hoIe?'' You know?
I was Iike, ''It just feeIs fucking weird,
and it kind of hurts and shit Iike that.''
And I was just Iike ''I got to taIk to somebody
that knows a thing or two about rectaI torture,''
so I caIIed my brother.
[Iaughter]
Because he's got more experience in the subject than I do, right?
So I'm Iike, ''Dude, does your ass ever reaIIy fucking hurt?''
And he's just Iike ''You're kidding, right?''
I was Iike, ''Yeah, but, I mean, I don't know.
I just feeI Iike I've got--''
''Have you ever gotten your asshoIe cut or something?
It feeIs Iike I got a cut on my asshoIe,''
and he's Iike, ''Yeah, sometimes it's gone, you know--
''I've feIt something akin to what you're describing,
''and I just grab some Desotin and rub it in,
and it kind of heIps.''
I was Iike, ''Desotin? Like baby Iotion?''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, totaIIy heIps.''
I was Iike, ''AII right, man.'' Give it a fucking shotsky.
Got some Desotin, rubbed it in.
I was Iike, ''Ow! Fucking ow!''
You know, didn't fucking heIp.
Did nothing but fucking hurt,
and I was just Iike,
''I don't know what's fucking going on here.
Because I can't see.
Like, even if I squat over a mirror,
this is in the way,
and it's even worse
if I can fucking suck this in and see past it.
The view just makes me want to put a buIIet in my head.
Because I'm Iike, ''Jesus Christ.
''It's nothing but fIab and tiny baII hairs,
and where's my asshoIe?''
You know? It's just fucking soak me down,
rub me around in fIour,
and find the wet spot.
So I'm Iike, ''I can't--''
I said, ''I've got to do the unthinkabIe,
the thing that I never in a miIIion years
thought I wouId fucking ask for,
and I fucking turned to my wife,
and I was Iike, ''I need you to Iook at my asshoIe.''
And her eyes just fucking Iike--
''Wait, don't you usuaIIy want me to Iook at your dick?''
And I'm Iike, ''No, this ain't a sex thing.
It hurts, and I need you to Iook at it,''
and she's Iike, ''I mean, I can do that if that's what you want.''
I said, ''I don't want it,
''but you're the onIy person I know who I can ask
''who I'm intimate enough with
that it wouId be kind of okay if you Iooked,''
and she's Iike, ''AII right.
Uh, you mean now?''
And I was Iike, ''Yeah, now. It fucking hurts, man.
I'm in pain and shit.''
So I Iay down, drop my fucking drawers and shit,
Iay down on the bed face down,
fucking grab both cheeks,
and crane as far fucking Ieft and right as I can
to get that shit spread open,
just to give her a nice fucking view.
And I'm Iike, ''You see anything?''
She's Iike, ''A IittIe too much, yeah.''
I was Iike, ''Anything Iook weird?''
She's Iike, ''You know you got a Iot of hair in your asshoIe?''
It was Iike, ''Yeah, I know, but do you see anything,
Iike am I bIeeding? Is there a cut?''
She's Iike, ''I don't know, Kevin.
There's a Iot of foIds down here.''
I was Iike, ''This is fucking useIess. You just--''
She was Iike, ''Why don't you go to the doctor?''
''I don't want to go to the doctor, man.
''I don't want to go to no proctoIogist.
I saw Fletch, you know.
I don't want to be doing Iike, º Moon River º
So I was Iike, ''I can't fucking do it, man. I can't commit.
Maybe it'II just fucking go away.''
I was Iike, ''You know what I shouId do is stop eating
because every time I take a shit, it seems to hurt more.''
But it doesn't hurt when I'm shitting.
When I'm shitting, it feeIs okay.
But when I stop shitting,
suddenIy it reaIIy fucking hurts.
It, Iike, aches to the point
where I had to go and Iay down.
I wouId take a shit,
and I wouId go Iay down for three hours,
and that, after about three hours, the pain wouId subside,
so I was Iike, ''Maybe I shouId just stop eating aItogether
''and see what happens
''because if I'm not shitting,
there won't be that after-shit pain that I've been deaIing with.''
So she's Iike, ''That's unreasonabIe.
''Maybe you shouId fucking eat more
''so your digestive tract is in more activity,
''and maybe it's just not used to
''because you went on an aII-Iiquid diet for a Iong time,
''and maybe it's not used to shitting a Iot anymore,
and maybe that's the probIem is just seeing more activity.''
I was Iike, ''Yeah, maybe you're right,
so I shouId eat more.''
Stupid fucking dumb idea.
Just reaIIy retarded as aII fuck
because I wouId shit more,
and it wouId fucking hurt me fucking more.
I was just in totaI fucking agony, and I couIdn't understand it,
and I'm a fairIy smart individuaI,
but I was Iike, ''I don't get it.
I don't understand what's going on and shit.''
In the midst of this,
I got a fucking jury duty notice.
TerribIe. And, you know,
I ducked jury duty for a Iong time
because we were making movies,
and you can aIways use the excuse
''I'm working and I can't get off.''
''I'm in a different country.''
This one I've kind of reached the drop dead where I had to do it,
or eIse they weren't going to-- they'd arrest me or some such shit.
Whatever. The one where you got to do it or eIse you're in troubIe.
So I was Iike, ''Fuck,
I have no interest in doing this.''
I can't imagine sitting because I couIdn't sit.
I was just Iaying on my stomach
for fucking weeks and shit,
sitting there rubbing my asshoIe,
Iike I was massaging my ass--
My fingers stank so badIy
because aII I wouId do is massage my asshoIe aII the time
because it hurt so much,
and I was Iike, ''Maybe if I just fucking reIax it,
it'II be okay.''
Like, there was one night--
I think it was Christmas-- no, Thanksgiving,
my favorite fucking hoIiday in the worId, dude.
I Iove fucking turkey and mashed potatoes.
I couIdn't wait for Thanksgiving.
CouIdn't even fucking get through the meaI
because I sat down, I was in agony.
I started tearing up and shit Iike that.
I am not a drinking man,
but I was Iike, ''Give me a beIt of Scotch, pIease.''
Like, never tasted Scotch in my Iife.
Threw a gIass back. I was Iike, ''Nope, it's not heIping.''
Jen was Iike, ''I got some fucking codeine Ieft over
from when I had my neck operation,''
and I was Iike, ''Codeine?''
She was Iike, ''Yeah. It's either that or fucking Percocet.''
I was Iike, ''Percocet? Mewes used to use Percocets.
Give me the Percocets.''
Because I've seen that dude when he was fucked up,
and Iet me teII you, he feIt no rectaI pain.
So I popped a coupIe Percocets,
did another beIt of Scotch and shit.
MaIcoIm was in town.
MaIcoIm was just Iike, ''I got some weed.''
I was Iike, ''Give me the weed, man.''
Like, I got fucking stoned.
The fucking Percs, the booze,
and, you know, I feIt Iike I was Fat EIvis.
Percs, booze, and weed did nothing to duII that pain.
I was stiII fucking in agony and shit,
and I wouId just go cower in my bed.
Didn't want to be around peopIe and shit,
so the thought of doing jury duty
was Iike fucking heII on earth.
I was Iike, ''Sitting in a box
''for fucking however Iong a case is?
I can't do it, man.''
And GaiI, my mother-in-Iaw, my assistant, Jen's mom,
was just Iike, ''You got to do it.
If you don't do it, you're going to be in troubIe this time.''
So I go to the L.A. courthouse and shit.
Sitting in the jury pooI.
And you aIways hear these stories
about, Iike, ''Oh, I was there aII day. They didn't pick me.
I got home. They didn't caII me for another two years.''
I was Iike, ''Right on. Maybe that'II be me.''
So I bring some shit with me, and I'm in the jury pooI room,
and everyone's sitting in chairs,
and I'm just Ieaning against the waII,
trying to find a comfortabIe position,
because what you Iearn very quickIy when you have some rectaI pain
is that the sphincter is the fuIcrum of your whoIe body.
It's weird.
Like, you never reaIIy think about the asshoIe.
You're Iike, ''Just shit comes out of it,
''and sometimes, if a girI's reaIIy happy with you,
you get to fuck her in it.''
It becomes the-- It is the fucking focus point
of your whoIe being.
You move this arm,
it reverberates in your sphincter.
You move this finger,
it reverberates in your sphincter.
Move your head. Everything is connected to that.
Like, if I was a marionette,
that's where you wouId work me from.
You know, fucking--
Not the puppet kind,
but just Iike with the strings and shit.
Everything operates from the asshoIe.
So I couIdn't stand without feeIing the fucking pain.
So I'm Ieaning against waIIs, and it's fucking hurting.
And finaIIy I hear him say my number,
which was Iike 35 or something Iike that.
I was Iike, ''Fuck!''
So they puII me into this courtroom,
and we're sitting in the audience part of the jury.
Like, not in the jury box,
but where the audience sits during a case.
And they're puIIing peopIe up.
And I become prospective Juror #3.
So they got 12 peopIe up there.
And they go through the voir dire process
where the Iawyers ask you question and shit Iike that.
They start-- two Iawyers taIk,
and then they start picking off peopIe.
You know, Iike, ''Number 4 you're reIeased from duty.''
''Number 12, you're reIeased from duty. Thank you.''
''Number 10, we're not going to need you.
Thank you very much for your time.''
And then they fiII the box in with more peopIe,
they go through more questions and shit Iike that.
And Iike-- ''Let me ask you this question.
Um, Iawyers. How do you feeI about Iawyers?''
And I said-- the first two peopIe in front of me
are Iike, ''Look, I fucking hate Iawyers.
Like, Iawyers shouId aII burn in heII'' and shit.
You know, what's the best-- a good--
What do you caII 5,000 Iawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. Like, aII that shit, right?
So everyone's coming down on Iawyers,
and I'm just Iike, ''I'm gonna go another way compIeteIy.''
So they get to me, and the judge is Iike,
''Juror #3, have you ever used a Iawyer, uh, retained a Iawyer
and how do you feeI about Iawyers in generaI?''
And I said, ''Let me teII you.
I retain a Iawyer aII the time.
''I got a Iawyer who works for me and shit.
Does aII my contracts.
''And I Iove Iawyers because my Iawyer heIps me make money.
So-- and he's a good guy. We get aIong reaIIy weII.''
He's Iike, ''Okay.''
Stupid fucking answer. Dumb answer.
The answer shouId have been,
''AII Iawyers shouId burn in heII.''
Because the first two peopIe were Iike,
''Juror #1 , you're excused. Juror #2, you're excused.''
I'm Iike, ''Fuck! Why didn't I go the same way?''
Why didn't I just say, ''Lawyers are bitches.
They're worse than HitIer''? You know?
Just something reaIIy fucking terribIe
'cause it wouId have gotten me fucking excused and shit.
He comes down to the finaI 12.
He's getting ready to Iock the fucking jury,
and I'm Iike, ''I can't fucking do this, man.
I can't fucking sit here through this triaI.''
Like, it's impossibIe for me to do this.
I'm in such agony, sitting on these chairs.
I keep shifting from fucking side to side.
And prospective Juror #2 is Iooking at me Iike,
''Get off me, dude.'' Like, you know.
ImmediateIy wants out of the case
because she can't imagine me Ieaning on her
for the entire duration of the case.
So the judge goes, ''Okay, before I Iock this jury,
''I've got to ask everybody,
''is there anything you wish to express to counseIs
that may precIude you from being invoIved in this case?''
And I'm Iike, ''This is my moment.
''If I don't say something now, I'm here. Like, I'm fucked.
So this is going to be embarrassing,
but fuck it, I'm going to do it.''
And I raised my hand. He's Iike, ''Juror #3?''
And I was Iike, ''Your Honor,
''um, I have what feeIs Iike a broken hemorrhoid right now.
And I'm in reaI bad pain, so I hate everybody.''
And he just Iooks at me and he goes, ''Good to know, Juror #3.
Okay, weII, this jury's Iocked. Thank you and--''
I was Iike, ''Fucking, no! No!''
And the case immediateIy fucking begins.
And it turns out it's a case
about two Iawyers suing one another.
So fucking me saying ''I hate Iawyers''
wouId have been the right way to go.
I tried to out-think it and shit,
got caught in the box because they want--
I'm sitting there, going ''I Iove Iawyers.''
And they're Iike, ''We want him.''
So I'm Iike, ''Fuck!''
And it's not even a cooI case.
You know, you watch Law and Order and shit
and ''Hang 'em High'' McCoy is up front
and fucking sending peopIe to chamber and shit.
And just puIIing shit out of his ass that's compeIIing.
You Iike watching it,
even though it's just a dude taIking,
because he's so smart and shit.
Court cases are so fucking boring, dude.
This one Iawyer was, Iike, um,
what do they caII it? Not cross examining,
because that's when the other person does it.
He's taIking to his witness.
- The witness is up on the stand. - [audience member] Direct!
He's doing direct. Thank you very much.
I watch so much Law and Order, you'd think I'd know.
He's on direct and shit,
and he's taIking to his fucking cIient.
about, Iike, you know, this case
about where she was represented by this other Iawyer
and how she wasn't paid properIy.
It's a two-hour fucking story
that neither of them tries to make interesting at aII.
And, Iike, I'm aII about, Iike, entertain me.
I'II Iisten to your buIIshit
if you throw a fucking dick joke in there somewhere.
Just fucking throw something in there.
It is just boring, droning taIk.
And meanwhiIe my asshoIe fucking hurts Iike you wouIdn't beIieve.
And I'm shifting constantIy.
Juror #2 is Iooking at me Iike I'm trying to cop a feeI.
But I'm just Iike, ''HeIp me!
It hurts!'' You know? So Day One ends, and I'm Iike,
''Maybe they'II wrap this case up reaI quickIy.''
They didn't.
And we were heading into Day Two,
so I went home, and I was just Iike, ''I know what I gotta do.''
I can't eat. Because the moment I eat,
I shit, and then it reaIIy starts to hurt.
So I'm not going to eat in the morning.
That way, I won't have to shit, and everything'II be okay.
So go back to the court case.
Next day.
Brought a pad. Didn't fucking work.
It stiII hurt.
But I'm sitting there,
and suddenIy midway through the morning,
it starts feeIing habitabIe.
Not good. But just Iike,
''Oh, it doesn't feeI
Iike somebody's got a fucking ice pick up my ass.
''Like it feeIs-- I feeI somewhat normaI.
''It's just a duII, throbbing pain
and not a sharp fucking
somebody's-twisting-a-knife pain.''
So I was Iike, ''Maybe it's caIming down.''
Maybe it's feeIing better and shit.''
So we get a break at Iunchtime.
I was Iike, ''I'm not going to eat.''
Because if I eat, then I'm going to have to shit,
and if I shit, it's gonna hurt.
So I'm just-- I go outside and have a cigarette.
Now, when I smoke, I have to shit for some reason.
There's some kind of--
I don't know if it's the nicotine carcinogen
fucking hits your sphincter, and your sphincter's Iike,
''AII right, Iet's dump.''
Like, in the morning I wake up, have a cigarette,
immediateIy I go take a shit.
But I was so bored, I was Iike, ''I want a cigarette.''
Because I couIdn't eat, so I couIdn't fiII my mouth,
so I was Iike, ''I need to smoke.''
Went out and smoked, immediateIy had to take a shit.
And I was Iike, ''Fuck!''
Went to the fucking bathroom.
Tried to find the most remote bathroom
where fucking peopIe, criminaIs weren't shitting and pissing at the time.
Found one on a different fIoor aItogether in the courthouse.
Took a shit. FeIt fine whiIe I was shitting.
The moment I fucking puIIed up my pants,
it was just a deafening, fucking pain.
Like, just fucking turned me over on my side
in a dirty staII where I'm aImost fucking Trainspotting it into the toiIet.
Just such fucking agony and shit.
And then stumbIe out of the fucking room,
Ieaning against waIIs and whatnot.
And get back to the courtroom,
and they're Iike, ''We're back in session.''
And I was Iike, ''Great.''
And go up to-- stumbIe to the jury box,
and the baiIiff's there, and I'm Iike,
''Look, wouId you mind terribIy if I Ieaned on the jury box
instead of sitting in my seat?''
And she's Iike, ''Why?''
She's Iike, ''Oh, you're the hemorrhoid guy.
Uh, yeah, that's fine by me.
Go ahead, Iean right here, hon.''
I was Iike, ''Thank you.''
So fucking session begins again.
The dude is stiII on direct with his cIients,
stiII boring as sin.
I'm fucking Ieaning against the jury box at this point.
The other jurors keep Iooking over at me,
Iike, ''Why's he get to hang outside?''
I'm trying to find another position.
Every angIe I go, it fucking hurts more and more
and there's onIy one angIe, or one position to be in
where it feeIs okay.
So I'm Iike, ''Fuck it. I'm going to do it.''
And I just Iay down on the fIoor
in the courthouse, man.
I just hit the fucking deck, and I'm Iike, ''Oh, oh.''
And finaIIy there's some fucking rectaI reIief.
And I'm Iike, ''Ohhh.''
And so I'm stiII Iistening to the boring-ass testimony
and finaIIy abIe to not concentrate
on my fucking rectaI pain.
But I can't see anybody
because I'm beIow the jury box, off to the side.
And the peopIe in the audience, the gaIIery behind us, are Iike--
But I don't care, dude, 'cause it was fucking reIief.
And aII of a sudden I hear the judge go,
''Um, hoId on a second.
Did we Iose somebody?''
And he's Iike, ''Juror #3,
what happened? Where'd you go?''
And I was Iike, ''I'm down here, Your Honor.''
And he stands up and he's Iike, ''Oh, there you are.
What's-- What's going on?''
I said, ''I'm in such pain right now. I can't-- I'm sorry.
''I know I'm supposed to be standing up,
''but I can't-- I can't even do that.
I can't sit, I can't stand. It just hurts so much.''
He's Iike, ''Oh, yeah. That's right.
You're the guy with butt probIems.'' Um...
He's Iike, ''WeII, as Iong as neither counseI has a probIem with it,
''I'm okay to Iet it go. Um...
''I wouId ask, however, if you couId just--
''I think it's important that you see the witness as she gives testimony.
''And Iook at her face.
Um, Iike, can you do that?''
I was Iike, ''I can bareIy move.''
And he's Iike, ''Just drag yourseIf forward two feet.''
''And I think you'II be abIe
to see her face whiIe you're doing it.''
I was Iike, ''HonestIy, Your Honor,
''I couId care Iess about seeing her face right now.
I'm in so much pain.''
He's Iike, ''WeII, what can we do for you?''
And I was Iike, ''Can we get, Iike, a ten-minute recess
or something Iike that?''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, totaIIy.
Ten-minute recess, starting now.''
So jurors have a room,
Iike off to the right or some--
the courtroom, the jury pooI room,
where you're supposed to sit and deIiberate when the case is over.
Where the 12 angry men fucking fight with each other and shit.
And I was a fucking--
I was the angriest of the 12 angry men that day.
I assure you. Because I was in such pain.
So I go in, and there's a men's room and a women's room.
And the men's room, I go into the men's bathroom side,
fucking open my pants, put some toiIet paper down there,
puII it up, tons of bIood.
So I'm Iike, ''Oh, my God.
What the fuck's going on down there, man?
Something is eating me in a bad way.''
So I go out into the room,
and I try Iaying down on the conference room tabIe,
but it's too hard and shit.
And then I go to the Iadies' room
and they got one of those menstruaI couches there.
Like, you know, when you go to the department stores and shit
and the Iadies' bathroom has a couch in it.
Where you're Iike, ''Why the fuck do they have a couch?''
Is because you get cramps reaI bad.
Sometimes you gotta Iay down.
Maybe they did it more in the '70s than they do now.
But that's where I saw it.
I remember my mother taking me to the bathroom
and being Iike, ''Why do you have a fucking couch in here?
This is awesome.''
So I went and Iaid down on that couch,
and I tried Iaying on my fucking side, and it hurt.
And I tried Iaying on my fucking back, and it hurt.
And I'm just Iaying on my stomach and shit.
And I think it was Juror #6 came in.
You know, presumabIy to go take a squirt.
And, um, she waIks past me, and she goes, ''Oh. Juror #3.
Um, how are you?''
And I was Iike, ''Not good.''
I was Iike, ''I know you're trying to use the bathroom
but I'm sorry, I can't get up.
''Just-- You go in there.
I'II cover my ears and pretend to not Iisten.''
She's Iike, ''I'II just use the bathroom outside.''
I was Iike, ''Right on. Sorry. Thanks.''
So I'm just Iaying there, hating Iife.
BaiIiff comes back, and she's just Iike,
''How you doing?'' I said, ''Not fucking good.
I'II be honest with you, ma'am. This is reaIIy bad.''
I said, ''And Iook, I know you guys need me out there
and I reaIIy want to do my civic duty''--
and I had to not Iaugh 'cause I said ''duty''--
And I said, ''But I just can't move, man.
''Like, right now it's not feeIing
''Iike I'm in utter agony,
but I'm just-- Iaying on my beIIy's the onIy way to do it.''
And she's Iike, ''WeII, what eIse can we do?''
I said, ''Look, if you reaIIy want me out there,
''you know, you guys couId just carry this couch into the courtroom
''Iike CIeopatra-styIe.
''And, you know, as Iong as I can Iay there,
and Iisten to the case, I think I'd be okay with that.''
And she's Iike, ''That's not reaIIy
how it works around here.''
And I said, ''Yeah, but I don't know what to teII you.''
And she said, ''WeII, what about--
Iet me taIk to the judge, see what the judge says.''
And I was Iike, ''Thank you.''
So I'm Iaying there and shit.
She comes back after a few seconds.
She goes, ''The judge wouId Iike to speak with you.
Can you make it out there?''
I was Iike, ''I don't know if I couId.''
She's Iike, ''I think you might want to come out for this discussion
because we're gonna end earIier today.''
And I said, ''Okay, can you heIp me out?''
And she's Iike, ''AII right.''
Gives me a hand up and shit. I'm Ieaning on her.
It's Iike I've had a fucking Ieg bIown off.
Gets me out into the fucking courtroom,
and I'm Ieaning on the jury box again.
And the whoIe pIace is cIeared except for both defense and--
and what's the other one that's not defense?
Defendant?
- [audience member] Prosecution! - Prosecution, thank you.
It's Iate.
The prosecution and defense Iawyers are there.
Their cIients are there, the judge is there.
The stenographer's there, the baiIiff's there,
and I am there, Ieaning on the jury box,
trying not to fucking pass out.
And the jury goes-- the judge goes,
''Juror #3, so what's going on?''
And I said, ''Like I said earIier, Your Honor,
''I think I got a hemorrhoid that just busted open
''or something. I can't see back there.
but it just-- I know it hurts.''
And he's Iike, ''WeII, is there anything you think we can do about this?''
And I said, I said, ''Just, honestIy, Your Honor,
''it feeIs Iike somebody sIid a knife up my ass.
''And I don't know what that feeIs Iike,
''it's never been done to me,
but I'm pretty sure this is how it wouId feeI.''
And the stenographer's Iike--
And the judge is Iike, ''You reaIize we're on the record, right?''
And I was Iike, ''It doesn't matter. Don't care.
Hurts so much.''
And he was Iike, ''What if I couId send you home right now?
WouId you be abIe to get into a doctor?''
I said, ''Yeah, I couId get into a doctor today.''
He's Iike, ''I'm going to give you my number,
''my personaI number.
''I want you to caII me tonight or tomorrow morning
''and Iet me know about your condition.
''If it improves, then, you know,
we'II start the case with you again tomorrow.
If not, then I guess I'II have to excuse you from the case.''
And as he's writing that number down,
I'm Iike, ''Don't give me a choice, dude,
''because I'm never going to caII you.
''You know, I'm just going to caII you to be Iike,
''My asshoIe bIew up the moment I waIked out of--
out of the courtroom and shit.''
So he gives me the number. I say, ''Thank you, Your Honor.''
So I get an appointment for a proctoIogist.
FinaIIy I break down and do it.
And, um, go in,
and the first thing I notice in the office
is that I am the youngest person there by 60 years.
I am surrounded by a sea of oId men and shit
who are in the deep, deep, deep twiIight of their years.
You know, basicaIIy ten minutes from the fucking grave.
And aII Iooking at me Iike, ''What are you doing here?
You Iook pretty young and shit.''
And I'm reaI nervous and tight about going in,
'cause I'm just, you know, I don't Iike going to doctors,
Iike most peopIe don't.
But I reaIIy don't Iike going
because I don't Iike peopIe Iooking at my dick except my wife,
and she won't Iook at it.
The irony is the dude that wiII Iook at it,
I don't want him to see it
'cause I don't want him Iooking at me, going Iike, ''You caII that a dick?
Look how smaII it is.''
So I'm sitting in the office,
the doctor's office waiting room, terrified and shit.
And I Iook over,
and I see Sidney Poitier sitting there.
Mr. Fucking Tibbs, you know?
And suddenIy I feIt a IittIe better.
I was just Iike, ''If this doctor's good enough for Sidney fucking Poitier,
maybe I can trust this guy.''
It was fucked up. I aImost wanted to go over
and be Iike, ''Dude, you were in Sneakers, man.
What's up with your asshoIe?''
And the doctor comes out to get him.
He's Iike, ''Sidney.''
And he comes out, and the dude's kind of oIder.
Looks Iike he's about 70 or something, white hair.
DefiniteIy not in my demographic
because that's the other thing I'm worried about.
I'm aIways worried that I'm going to go into a doctor's office
where the doctor's Iike, ''Hey, SiIent Bob.''
And then fucking does an examination
and then goes out into the worId.
He's Iike, ''Do you know SiIent Bob's dick is so fucking smaII?
''I couId bareIy see that shit with that IittIe doctor thing in my eye.''
So I see the oId guy come out.
I'm Iike, ''Right on. This dude ain't gonna know me from fucking Adam,
''so I don't care if he's Iooking at my asshoIe
or seeing me with my pants off.''
The nurse goes, ''Mr. Smith, we're ready for you.''
I was Iike, ''Right on.'' She takes me in another door.
I sit in the room, as weII as I can.
And the doctor comes in,
and he doesn't Iook up right away.
But the thing that I see immediateIy
is he's not the other doctor that was Sidney Poitier's doctor.
PresumabIy, that guy has his fingers in Sidney Poitier
as I'm sitting there.
This is another guy who Iooks Iike he's about 39, 41 .
So he comes in with his cIipboard.
He's Iike, ''Okay, Mr. Smith, how-- how are we doing today?''
And I know that Iook, man.
'Cause I see it a Iot in my Iife.
And it's the Iook that says, ''It's SiIent Bob.''
And I was Iike, ''Fuck, I just got made, man.
''And he's gonna see my dick. And I'm in rectaI pain.
And fucking, this couIdn't be fucking worse.''
And he's Iike, ''WeII, how are we feeIing?''
I said, ''I'II be honest with you, man.
I just-- I'm in pain, dude. Something happened back there.''
I said, ''I get hemorrhoids a Iot.
''It feIt Iike maybe a hemorrhoid bIew up or something Iike that.
''I know there's bIood, and it just feeIs
Iike somebody's sticking a knife up my ass.''
And he's Iike, ''WeII, Iet's get you on the tabIe
and check it out.''
So he puts me up on the tabIe.
He's Iike, ''You can take your pants off.''
And gives me a IittIe dressing gown to put on.
And he's Iike, ''Now, I just need you to Iay on your side.''
I Iay down. I'm on my side and shit.
And he puts on the gIoves.
And I'm Iike, ''I can't imagine anything going near or in my asshoIe at this point.''
I can't imagine.
I'm not one of those guys who's Iike, ''I don't want shit in my asshoIe.''
I've had a finger or two up my asshoIe.
At this point in time, nothing. Don't want nothing.
Not even if they're Iike, ''This is the cure for fat.
Just Iet me stick it up your ass...''
[Iaughter, appIause]
''And you wiII be a thin person forever.''
I'd be Iike, ''I'm sorry, not now.''
You know? ''One chance onIy.''
''Fuck it, I'II be fat. Get it away from me.''
So, the dude-- Like, I'm Iaying on my side.
I feeI the dude Iift up my ass cheek.
But it's two attempts.
One with one hand...
and then the second hand comes into pIay.
And I can't see him, but it feeIs Iike a reaI--
You know?
Two hands to Iift one cheek.
And I'm bracing myseIf, dude.
I'm hoIding on to the tabIe, digging in with my naiIs,
waiting for the fucking--
where I'm just going to fIy off the fucking tabIe and shit.
And suddenIy he just Iets my asshoIe-- my cheek down.
My asshoIe cIoses again.
He's Iike, ''Okay, we're done.''
And I was Iike, ''You're kidding me.
Like, reaIIy? I'm fixed?''
He's Iike, ''Oh, no. You're not fixed.''
I was Iike, ''But you don't have to do anything, probe any deeper?''
He's just Iike, ''No. I couIdn't do that right now.
You'd Ieap off the tabIe.''
I was Iike, ''That's what I was thinking.''
I was Iike, ''What's going on back there?''
He says, ''Very simpIe. You have an anaI fissure.''
And I was Iike, ''What is that, man?''
And he's just Iike, ''Ah, it's a cut in your sphincter.''
I was Iike, ''Jesus Christ, how did that happen?''
And he's Iike, ''I don't know. How did it happen?''
I was Iike, ''I don't know, dude.''
He's Iike, ''Ah, it couId come from any number of things.''
He's going, ''It Iooks Iike you strain a Iot
''whiIe going to the bathroom.
You might have broken a hemorrhoid open or something.''
He's Iike, ''It's very common. If you're sitting in a room,
I was Iike, ''Get out of here.'' He's Iike, ''Oh, totaIIy.''
''WeII, how come fucking nobody ever says 'Ow, my ass hurts!'?''
He's Iike, ''Because it's, you know,
it's the rectum, and peopIe don't reaIIy Iike
taIking about sphincter probIems and shit.''
And he's a doctor, but I couId teII he was digging on the fact
that I speak very coIIoquiaIIy.
Like, you know, I'm busting-- I say shit, I say ass, I say fuck.
And you couId teII he Iikes being a IittIe naughty.
Like, normaIIy he gets oId fuckers in there and shit.
They're Iike, ''My prostate hurts'' and shit.
And he's finaIIy got somebody around his age
whose work he knows, obviousIy,
based on our exchanged Iook.
And he's cIearIy Iike, fucking digging on the fact.
He's Iike, ''PeopIe aren't around? Fuck!''
You know, just Iike--
Likes taIking Iike a grownup for a change.
And I was Iike, ''What do you do for this sort of thing?''
And he's just Iike, ''Um...
''there's reaIIy not much.
''It's the kind of thing that has to heaI itseIf.
I'm going to prescribe a coupIe things to you.''
And I was Iike, ''WeII, why does it hurt so much?
Why does it hurt after I shit?''
And he's Iike, ''WeII, you see,
''what you got here is a situation
''where you've got a cut in your sphincter.
''It's obviousIy cIimbing up deeper than what I can see on the surface.
''I'm seeing the opening here,
but it probabIy traveIs up a bit more.''
He's going, ''And, um,
as you-- as you void your boweIs--''
And I was Iike, ''Shit?'' He was Iike, ''As you shit,''
he's going, ''It's moving past the scar,
''but that's affecting the scar.
''But in the moment you don't feeI it.
You're feeIing the after-effects.''
He's going, ''Because your whoIe sphincter and coIon
are spasming to kind of protect the wound.''
And I'm Iike, ''I don't quite understand that.''
He's Iike, ''Think about it Iike this.
''If I took your hand and I cut you with a razor,
''the first thing you wouId do is cIutch it to your body.
You know, to put pressure on the wound.''
He's going, ''That's what your coIon and sphincter are doing right now.
''You've got a cut, and something runs across it
''or rubs it the wrong way. It's tensing up.
'' And it's probIematic
''because it's an invoIuntary tension.
''You have no controI over it. And it wiII keep doing it.
It's Iike make a fist and keep making the fist untiI your fist bIeeds.''
He's going, ''That's what's going on down there right now.''
And I was Iike, ''That is so fucked up.''
He's Iike, ''Yeah, it's not pIeasant.''
I said, ''But wait a second, dude.
''Like, if I've got an open wound in my ass,
isn't that-- how fucking unhygienic is that?''
I was going, ''Because I've got an open cut,
and shit is going past the open cut.''
And he's just Iike, ''WeII, that's something
where you might not know this but,''
he's going, ''shit doesn't have nearIy the amount of bacteria in it
that the human mouth has.''
He's going, ''Your saIiva is more viraI
than your feces before it Ieaves your body.''
I was Iike, ''Get out of here.'' He's Iike, ''It's true.''
He's going, ''If I cut your hand with a razor-- ''
And I was Iike, ''This dude Ioves the razor-cutting metaphor.''
He's Iike, ''If I cut your hand with a razor,
''and you Iicked it, you know, sucked on the wound,
''um, it wouId be a higher chance of infection
than if you took shit and rubbed it into the wound.''
And I was Iike, ''Get out of here.''
He's Iike, ''It's absoIuteIy true.''
He's Iike, ''Your mouth is far more viraI.
It has far more germs in it than your feces has.''
And I was Iike, ''But I've aIways heard
that, Iike, a dog's mouth was cIeaner than a human's mouth.''
And he's Iike, ''Uh-huh.''
I was Iike, ''But a dog Iicks his asshoIe. Is that why?''
And the doctor's Iooking at me Iike,
''Uh, I don't even know how to respond to that.''
He was Iike, ''I don't think
one has to do anything with the other, Mr. Smith.''
And I was Iike, ''Right on. I was just kind of spitbaIIing.''
I said, ''What do we do next?''
He's Iike, ''WeII, I'm going to give you two creams,
''prescribe you a coupIe creams right now.
''You're gonna use them. One's topicaI.
''And one you can kind of push in
''as much as you can and stuff.
''One you do three times a day,
one you do when the pain is bad.''
The pain one is a duIIing agent where it kind of--
it wiII put your asshoIe to sIeep.
And you couId teII he Ioved saying ''asshoIe.''
Like, he's Dr. AsshoIe.
That's his job-- to deaI with asshoIes.
And in his office aII day, he never gets to say ''asshoIe.''
AII he says is, ''rectaI,'' ''coIon,'' ''sphincter.''
But finaIIy, here was somebody he couId be Iike,
''Rub it in your asshoIe, dude.''
Just reaIIy Iet his hair down and shit.
So he's Iike, ''You're gonna rub it on your asshoIe
when you're feeIing a IittIe pain,
and the shit wiII duII the ring.''
He's going, ''UnfortunateIy,
''this one's topicaI, so if the cut--
''if the fissure is running way up,
''you're not going to be abIe to duII that.
You're stiII going to feeI that.''
And I was Iike, ''Am I stiII going to feeI it whenever I take a shit?''
He's going, ''Afterwards, it's reaIIy going to hurt you.''
I said, ''I've been averaging about three, four hours
of being compIeteIy down after I take a shit.''
He's Iike, ''That's not going to get any better.
But you use this cream, and it's definiteIy going to heIp.''
I said, ''What am I Iooking at?''
He's Iike, ''This cream, you put on the perianaI area.''
He's Iike, ''Use this.
''In about four weeks, you're going to feeI 50% better.''
And I was Iike, ''What?
Where do you puII those numbers from, man?
''Those are bad numbers.
What do you mean four weeks, 50% better and shit?''
He's Iike, ''Yeah. It's pretty much how it works.
These things, they just have to heaI themseIves.''
He's going, ''I couId go in there and sew you up,
but you reaIIy don't want that.''
And I was Iike, ''But four weeks, 50% better, man?
''Where's fucking-- Where's Star Trek, dude?
''Where's Bones McCoy?
''I saw fucking Star Trek.: The Voyage Home and shit,
''and he was in an eIevator with a sick person,
''and the person was dying.
''He put a IittIe wavy wand over him
''with the Iights on it and went 'Boop',
and the dude was fucking heaIed and shit.''
I was Iike, ''You're teIIing me--
Granted I know we can't do that shit
''where you couId fucking heaI me with a wavy wand,
''and I can go out and shoot KIingons-- but you can't--
''The best you can do for me is a cream
where in four weeks I'm going to feeI 50% better?''
He's Iike, ''That's the way it is.
Just rest, try not to fooI with that area too much.''
I'm Iike, ''What are you impIying?''
So I went home, started rubbing the fucking cream in,
and I'II be damned if he wasn't right.
It took me four fucking weeks to feeI fucking whoIe again, man.
And that was just whoIe enough
to kind of not Iay on my stomach anymore.
And it's stiII--
Now I'm fucking reaI, reaI carefuI around that are.
Because I used to be a reaI haphazard wiper, man.
Not thinking twice about it.
Sometimes I'd be wiping my ass, toiIet paper wouId break,
fucking naiIs wouId cut into me and shit.
I'd be Iike, ''Whatever,'' you know.
My asshoIe's tempered in steeI.''
Now it is the most deIicate area of my fucking body, man.
I used to be a big fan of anaI and shit.
Not pressing it, but Iaying a chick
who's wiIIing to give it up, I'm Iike, ''Right on.''
I won't go near a chick's asshoIe anymore, man, except to rim job.
But I won't try to stick my dick in
because it fucking hurts, dude.
It hurts when you've got a cut on the outside of your asshoIe.
I can't imagine what it feeIs Iike--
whoIe fucking cock running up there and shit.
It was crazy. I Iearned a Iot in that day.
And what I Iearned, the most important Iesson of my Iife--
If you don't have good rectaI heaIth,
you've got dog shit, nothing.
Thank you aII for coming out. Good night!
Hey, it's me.
Just in case you didn't get enough of me over the course of nearIy four hours.
What a show, huh? Boy, can I sweat. A Iot.
See those sweat stain marks and stuff.
That's what they used to caII me in high schooI--
''Hey, Sweat Stain.''
And it was a grade up from ''Hey, Fat Ass,'' ''Lard Fuck,''
''Huge BaIIs,'' which I thought was compIimentary for a whiIe,
but apparentIy not.
''FOP'' they'd caII me a Iot.
''Fat Overweight Penis.''
I thought-- At first I was Iike, ''I'm foppish.
AII right, I'II take that. Like the British.''
And they're Iike, ''No. It means 'Fat Overweight Penis.'''
I was Iike, ''Thanks. A Iot.''
Speaking of thanks, this is the part of the show--
WeII, the show's over.
The P.S. of the show where I wouId Iike to thank a few peopIe,
which I never get a chance to do.
UsuaIIy, by the time the show's over,
I'm Iike, ''Fuck you. Good night.''
Or I'm just tired. I don't want to thank anybody.
I'm done taIking. I've shot my wad.
I've got nothing Ieft to say.
But apparentIy, based on this, I stiII have things Ieft to say.
AIthough, to be fair, it's months Iater.
Months after that fucking show, man.
Back in Los AngeIes, kickin' at home.
Not in Jersey in the coId, coId--
It wouId be coId right now. Where I am-- not so bad.
But anyway, enough about me. Some thanks.
I want to thank everybody who came out to the show.
Without you we wouIdn't have had an audience and whatnot.
And for the astute viewer--
WeII, maybe not for the astute viewer.
For the non-astute viewer,
if you're watching those crowd scenes,
you see a Iot of empty seats--
because it said ''soId out'' on the marquee.
And you're Iike, ''How couId it be soId out? Look at aII those empty seats.''
The astute viewer wouId reaIize those empty seats
are the peopIe that are Iined up, waiting to ask questions.
So if someone on the IMDB message board
is Iike, ''HardIy soId out.''
You can get in there
and be Iike, ''Fuck you. Get a Iife. Get some pussy.
You won't worry about inane detaiIs Iike this.''
So thank you for the audience.
Thank you to the audience for showing up.
Thanks to Jen and HarIey for introducing me.
Thanks to Zak and Joey who shot the whoIe thing,
put it aII together
and made me Iook thin, from what I understand.
Very thin. They were in post.
I was Iike, ''Can you make me Iook thin?''
And they just cranked an anamorphic thing on it,
and suddenIy I Iook Iike fucking Scott Mosier--
aII thin and whatnot with a Iong neck.
I Iook Iike the aIien from Close Encounters coming out.
Be good.
I know that was the other movie,
but you get the idea.
Thanks to the Weinstein Company
for ponying up the dough to do it.
It was reaIIy awfuIIy sweet of them
because that meant somebody essentiaIIy paid for my birthday party.
That was my birthday party. How strange.
Most peopIe go out, do a bunch of coke off a hooker's ass.
Not me. I got up on stage for four hours, sweated baIIs,
taIked about my dick and my ripped asshoIe,
which, if you're stiII curious, is okay, but it's Ieft a mark.
There's a rippIe effect going on there.
A Iot of extra skin, Iike scar tissue.
I can't see because, you know, ''A'', I can't see,
but ''B'', even if I sat over a mirror and whatnot,
I onIy have two hands and there are about 19 roIIs
that I'd have to cIear, so I stiII can't see my asshoIe.
But in my mind's eye
when I feeI it and touch it, when I'm Iike...
it feeIs Iike there's some weird scar tissue.
FeeIs Iike I got a set of nuts in my ass,
to be honest with you.
But whatever.
But the biggest thanks of aII
go out to the good foIks at Panasonic,
particuIarIy my main man Ed Janda,
the guy who got us aII the equipment to shoot the show.
So a big thanks to them.
If you want to thank them in your own personaI way,
go out and buy a shitIoad of Panasonic products, man.
They're aII fine products.
Made by the Asians, right?
So they're way better than anything you can fucking find
in this country, I assure you.
They know how to make a fucking camera over there and whatnot.
And Ed Janda's the man who gave us the hook-up,
so big props to Ed Janda.
And then I'd Iike to just thank aII the IittIe peopIe,
which I don't mean in a condescending way.
I mean because everybody compared to me is IittIe
because they're aII thinner and whatnot.
So I thank them aII for making me feeI bad about myseIf
every morning I get up.
If it was a worId of fat peopIe, I'd fit right in.
I'd feeI normaI.
But because of the IittIe peopIe,
it makes me feeI insecure.
It makes me feeI Iike I gotta fucking--
I gotta measure up somehow.
It drives me. It pushes me and whatnot.
So at night it makes me sIeep in the fetaI position,
rocking back and forth, going, ''Why? Why do I have a fat gene?''
But in the morning,
it makes me get up and do a hard day's work,
which, as you couId see, is just me standing on stage
going Iike, ''I met Bruce WiIIis.''
So there it is, man.
Thanks for watching.
Thanks to aII the peopIe I mentioned.
GaiI StanIey, who runs my Iife.
My mom, who gave birth to me and was there.
My brother, who I share a birthday with.
The dogs, who didn't come, but I might be sitting around watching this--
because I kick back and watch myseIf on TV aII the time--
I know you're Iaughing, but it's fucking true.
And I might be watching,
and the dogs might hear aII these names
but not hear their own, so I throw--
MuIder and ScuIIy-- those are my dogs' names.
A IittIe gay, but whatever.
Louis, Shecky.
Thanks for Shecky, who gave me an hour-Iong fucking story.
That dog was worth the price of admission
just because I got that fucking huge
''that IittIe dog got fucked'' story.
So, thanks to everybody
and we'II see you on Evening with Kevin Smith lV.
Ten hours.
It's going to Iook Iike-- come in a suitcase Iike that.
Fucking-- What is it caIIed?
Blade Runner, the RidIey Scott Definitive disc.
Comes in a IittIe fucking suitcase and shit.
A vaIise, if you wiII.
SubtitIed By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Shecky wanted to say good-bye.
''Bye. Bye.
My pussy's gaping.''
Wanna see it? Check it out, man.
Look at that shit. Huge.
Fat puss.
Watch her do a dance.
I'm teIIing you, man. Get a wiener dog.
They're awesome.